Five Things We Learned In Corrie This Week

Give the people what they want.  Jane Lowe appeared as a guest star in Wednesday's episode; I missed her character name, but I think it was "Exposition Woman".  Meanwhile, Sue Devaney continues to slay as Debbie Webster.  And yet, for some unfathomable reason, the two actresses were never put on screen together.  This is an obvious crime.  For those of you too young to remember classic children's television programmes, both women starred in Jonny Briggs - no, not The Mike Baldwin Story, but instead the simple light-hearted story of Northern folk that aired on Children's BBC in the mid-80s.  Jane played "Mam" and Sue was "Our Rita" and the show entered the hearts of Gen X'ers across the nation.  To this day there are middle-aged people with children and mortgages who hear the words "my mother" and have to resist the urge to add "who's a nurse."  So why didn't the producers have these two fine actresses meet up?  It didn't have to be much, and it couldn't have been more contrived than Dora the Explainer following Johnny halfway across town to find out why he was stalking her.  Just their paths crossing slightly; Debbie could've held the door open for her in the cafe.  A brief smile between the two of them and that was it.  You'd have made a lot of old people very happy.  (Now I'm going to have the theme tune in my head for the rest of the day). 

It's Groundhog Day!  Did you enjoy that storyline last Christmas where a revenge-obsessed gunman held a bunch of characters hostage?  Yes?  Did you enjoy that storyline two weeks ago where a revenge-obsessed gunman held a bunch of characters hostage?  Good, because here it is again!  Yes, Scott and His Awful Name finally pulled off the crime of the century as he stole some poker money off Ray and his pervy mate.  I somehow thought it was going to be a bit more lucrative than just a couple of blokes with a pile of tenners - a full casino fantasy, lots of high rollers, croupiers and showgirls.  It was all a bit small-scale, but apparently it was good enough for Scott.  Obviously it all went wrong as Craig let himself in through a hitherto unseen fire escape at the back of the Bistro (does that mean he ran all the way round to Tile Street from outside Roy's?).  Craig soon received a bullet in the shoulder as punishment; I've seen enough films to know that a gunshot wound in the shoulder is nothing.  James Bond gets one every other film.  Mind you, this is a Corrie bullet wound; Shona got shot in the stomach at Christmas and she somehow ended up with brain damage so presumably Craig's fractured shoulder will lead to him developing athlete's foot or something.  

Having shot an actual policeman, Scott quickly fled to... the ginnel.  And then he pretty much stayed there all week, pausing only to nip into the Rovers to make threatening grumbles on the quarter hour.  I've heard of people returning to the scene of the crime but Scott only just stopped short of setting up a camping chair outside the Bistro.  It all ended with him taking Jenny hostage, because apparently gun violence is the only thing that happens on this Street these days.  The UK has one of the lowest rates of gun crime on the planet, and it could be about fifty percent lower if we just nuked Weatherfield.  I'm calling for a mortarium on these storylines for at least five years, but I accept that's probably just a dream; Dylan probably found that gun Eileen dumped on the Red Rec while he was playing football and he's going to celebrate Bonfire Night by blowing Hope's head off.

Still it was good to see that even deranged, desperate psychopaths have a deep respect for the two metre social distancing rule.

Memories are long, and also, short.  Of course the whole Scott saga lead to another schism in the marriage of Jenny and Johnny.  Jenny was deeply disturbed to learn that her husband had been a wrong 'un back in 1980, back when she was - let me check - nine years old.  Is she really that bothered by his slightly dodgy criminal past?  Even the story of the injured security guard - which has been built up over the past six months to be some sort of horrific murder spree - turned out to be Johnny clipping him with a car and breaking his arm and hip.  I mean, it's not like Jenny has ever run someone over with a car - oh wait, yes, she did, drunkenly smashing into Liz at Christmas in 2018.  But apart from that, she's never committed a crime - oh, apart from when she kidnapped Jack while wearing a wig.  

My point is, nobody in this Street has entirely clean hands - if you got rid of all the characters who'd committed a crime it'd be six episodes a week about Ruby and Peanut the dog.  Get over it Jen, and go back to being a fabulous old lush.

Don't distract Roy from his Scrabble.  The second lockdown is bad news on a lot of levels, but on a purely selfish one, it means all those characters who were shielding the first time are going to vanish again.  So that means the characters who formed the undoubted highlight of this week's episodes - Roy and Evelyn and Arthur - are all going to be missing from our screens.  Arthur, obviously, we're not too bothered about - I said he was married right from his first appearance and nobody should ever upset Evelyn - but no David Neilson and Dame Maureen Lipman is going to be heartbreaking.  Their Scrabble game was the best bit of the episode, two fun characters chatting and being lively and interesting, and we don't get enough of that these days.  When the vaccine does come in I hope they prioritise soap legends over all those doctors and care workers; never mind those people saving the lives of the sick and vulnerable, I consider Barbara Knox a far more important key worker.

Keep your head down.  Can you imagine being the chef at Speed Daal?  You're just trying to make a living, craft a bit of Pakistani street food, get through your shift without burning a bhaji.  And yet every day you turn up at work to find the owners standing in the middle of the building screaming abuse at one another.  Talk about a toxic workplace.  Don't tell me they haven't tried dragging him into their arguments too - you can just imagine Geoff saying "you agree with me, don't you?" while Alya does that crazy stare.  Time to update your CV, mate.  At least flipping burgers in McDonalds doesn't come with a side order of psychological warfare.

The author is thinking of opening an estate agency in Weatherfield, as everybody in the Street seems to think the only way to sell a house is to phone a mysterious woman and accept whatever offer she makes.  If you'd like to invest contact me on Twitter @merseytart.

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