Coronation Street Weekly Update, July 6 2009

Hola mi amigos, dos cerveza por favor. With just over a month and a half to go before my Spanish holidays I’m starting to learn the lingo. I’ve got as far as the essentials as you can tell and am raring to impress with my new learned language. But without any further ado, here we go with this week’s Coronation Street update. Ole!

This was the week of a Coronation Street birth, a beating and a bit on the side – and I’m not sure which was the hardest to watch. Let’s start at the very begining, it’s a very good place to start. When you watch Corrie you begin with “Aye up, chuck” and when you puff and pant and give birth to your baby in the cleanest disused beach hut you’re ever likely to stumble across on a deserted beach, you begin with Maria Connor and Tony Gordon. They walked Ozzy on the beach and the sign said “Breakwater” so Maria’s did. Maria screamed at Tony. Tony screamed back. Ozzy ran rings round the pair of them, stole the scene and out of nowhere appeared a woman walking her own dog too, conveniently placed to take Ozzy off Tony’s hands leaving both of them free to deliver baby Liam. So that means Tony killed the old Liam and brought the new baby Liam into the world but Maria’s too dim to know, care or question. It’s in the genes, just look at Kirk, who turns up at th’ospital with an It’s A Girl pink balloon when his sister’s just given birth to an it’s a baby boy. Maria brings Liam home and Tony’s got the place tarted up with flowers and a teddy bear. Maria’s wondering already if she can cope without him when he moves back into his flat but she’s got Audrey, grandmammy and grandaddy floying in from Oireland and of course, the wisdom of Kirk to help her settle into a slummy mummy routine. I’m surprised Claire Peacock hasn’t been round there with the Peacock book of childcare offering to Shake n Vac Maria’s carpets.

Down the road there’s love in the air at the Grimshaw house when Eileen spends the night with Jesse. Problem is, he still lives with his folks. I know, and at his age too, and Eileen gets more of a grilling than the bacon from his mother in the morning. Another Grimshaw in the grip of passion is Jason who ends up spending more than the night together with Tina, they’re planning to get mortgaged and do a property up like they do on those house programmes on the telly and then sell it for a profit, like they don’t. Jason’s light bulb is too low wattage to rearrange these two words: Crunch. Credit. He doesn’t care, he’s got Tina, she’s got him, they’re Weatherfield’s fittest couple, the Posh n Becks of the Manchester suburbs. Nothing can stop them - but David Platt tries. When Tina tells David that she’s with Jason now, he’s upset, you can tell.

When Joe tells David not to give Tina a hard time about her being with Jason now, he’s upset you can tell.

And after David throws bricks from the builders yard at Jason down on the cobbles, he’s upset you can tell. But when he breaks down in tears in his granddad Ted’s arms later at Gail’s house, my Corrie-hardened heart almost broke. I was upset, can’t you tell?

Over at the factory, Rosie’s between the two thorns of Mr Strong and Mr Gordon as she’s now a stake-holder in the knicker factory. She wants to design her own pants, sexy ones, not belly warmers like her mother wears. (Sally wears pants?) Luke and Tony pay Rosie lip service (Luke more so than Tony), they’ve got her money now so they’ll listen to her ideas but it doesn’t mean they’ll let her have her way. She’s promoted to Executive Chair Sitter or something big in the office and she’s over the moon although she’s doing the same clerical job she was doing before, just in a new frock. “It’s Miss Webster, to you all, from now on,” she demands of the staff and her mother on the factory floor. Sally radiates with pride while all the other factory girls and Sean, you know, don’t.

Speaking of Sean, Jason drags him along to the gym where he spots a tasty geezer lifting weights. This was really funny, it’s what Sean does best, as he tried to lift the weights like he’d been doing it all his life when the heaviest thing he’s lifted before was a new cotton bobbin for his sewing machine. Sean’s in the gym jacuzzi with a smile on his face when the new fella, Leon, jumps in with him and guess what, he’s gay too, which fair cheers Sean up but confuses him when Leon wants to know all about Jason instead of Mr T.

At the Windass house this week, with the absence of Gary in the big house for a crime he sort of didn’t commit although he did, you know what I mean, Mr W proposes to Mrs W on the sofa. I know, I thought they were already wed too but apparently not. She’s taken his name, she’s borne his child but Anna Windass, mother of Eee Gary, isn’t the legally married wife of Eee Gary’s dad, Eddie.

More romance hit the Street this week when Emily and Ramsay grow close. You have to say that once the characters get over 60. They grow close. Between 50 and 60 you could say they get it on. Between 30 and 40 they’re allowed to have red wine and as much passion as they can stay up late for, and the under 30s are at it like rabbits but the over 60s, especially when it comes to HRH Mrs Bishop, Saint Emily of the Street, well, she grew close to Ramsay this week.

And finally this week, boring story (for this Corrie fan) of the year so far is Kevin and Molly. You’ll forgive me I hope for not giving you the red! hot! passionate! details that the tabloids are pumping out about Weatherfield’s unlikeliest and unloveliest relationship of the decade but it’s just so very wrong. Kevin wouldn’t do this, not to Tyrone, not with Molly, although yes he may well have a fling to get back at Sally for all the times that she did and he didn’t. But Kevin and Molly together is wrong, wrong, wrong. And it’s still going on, that’s all I’m going to say, except that Sally wants Kev to arrange a birthday party for her, invite “nice people” along and to have finger foods and nibbles. The only nibbles will be Kevin on Molly’s cleavage and the only finger food Sally’s ever eaten comes in a pack of ten, coated in day-glo orange breadcrumbs, with a whiff of the sea and Pollock about it.

And as a PS: I was intrigued to note this week that The Kabin sold a boxed game of Luxury Tiddlywinks. Luxury Tiddlywinks? Does it come with velvet tiddles and satin winks?

And that’s just about that for this week.

Find out more about these Coronation Street Weekly Updates.

Coronation Street writers this week were Chris Fewtrell, Simon Crowther and Joe Turner.

Glenda
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