Cosy crimes and gritty sagas by Corrie Blog editor Glenda, published by Headline. Click pic below!

Sunday 9 January 2022

Five Things We Learned In Corrie This Week

Cover your tracks.  Nobody in Weatherfield should drive a car.  Firstly, everyone you know, everywhere you work, and everywhere you shop is within a 200 yard radius; what are you going to do, get in the Fiat 500 to nip to Dev's?  Secondly, there's nowhere to park a car, especially since Sally and Maria went off on one.  You slide your Fiesta into a nice little spot outside the salon and suddenly Maria's there with a sledgehammer smashing your windscreen and screaming at you for polluting her Liam's lungs.  Thirdly, the minute someone gets behind the wheel, with location filming and everything, you know something horrible is going to happen.

So it was this week when Faye went out for a little driving lesson and managed to kill Unlucky Alf a pensioner.  One minute she was pootling along and kangarooing, the next thing she was doing sixty in a twenty zone and Ted was sprawled all over the tarmac.  It looked like he was going to be fine for a while, but then he dropped dead, and suddenly Emma and Faye were embroiled in a cover up.  For those of you keeping count, this is the second time Faye has accidentally inflicted GBH on an innocent man.  It's becoming quite the habit.  If she manages to avoid prison for this one, who knows where her reign of terror will take her next.  Trimming the hedge at number 4 and accidentally decapitating Steve McDonald?  Having a quiet pint and unintentionally glassing Jenny Bradley in the throat?  

People who say that prison is useless and does nothing to reform a person should pay heed to Faye's progress.  Ted was barely cold and she was whipping out the bleach to wipe down every surface in the place to destroy the evidence, like Thandiwe Newton in Line of Duty.  That's a talent for covering up your crimes that she could've only learned from Big Sandra in C Wing.

Say goodbye.  We're entering the fourteenth month of Sarah-Lou being surprised that Adam has a full and fascinating sexual past.  This would be a convincing storyline if:
  • she hadn't lived on the same street as the Barlows her entire life and therefore knows all about him
  • she didn't have a, let's be frank, somewhat chequered love life herself
  • Adam Barlow didn't look like that
She petulantly informed Adam that until he went back in time and erased all his former lovers she'd be taking the Pill.  I was thrilled that after thirty-odd years Sarah-Lou has finally learned what contraception is; I'd appreciate it if she could take a moment to explain it to the rest of the Street, perhaps as a PowerPoint presentation or on flashcards.

Sarah-Lou's insecurities stem from the fact that Lydia keeps ruining their fun Prosecco evenings by lurching into shot and sulkily staring at Adam across the cobbles.  You know how you could avoid this, Sarah?  Stop seeing Lydia.  You've known her five minutes, can the obvious lunatic and chat to your husband instead.  Unfortunately the opportunity has passed because Carla has decided she needs a PA (personal assistant, not a Prince Albert) and Lydia has slipped into the role, along with her mad-eyed stare and fondness for getting ratted at eight in the morning.  Underworld's staffing levels continue to be absolutely baffling; there are now more people in the office than there are stitching knickers.

Control-H every time.  There was a staggeringly unrealistic moment this week when Tim had to ask Craig to delete his browser history for him.  Tim Metcalfe is a middle-aged married man who works different shifts to his wife and is therefore home alone quite a lot of the time; he absolutely knows how to clear his search history.  He probably does it without thinking.  Anyway, for once Time was covering up a relatively innocuous search as he looked into angiograms. It appears he has terrible heart problems, but for some reason, he doesn't want to tell his wife and daughter.  This is causing problems because Sally is on heat, buying a Butler in the Buff costume for Tim to wear.

"It has a magnetic catch for easy release," she purred in anticipation.  Sadly Tim refused, denying us the opportunity to see him wearing nothing but a tiny pair of pants.  I wonder what that would've looked like?

Goodness how did that get there.  Presumably Tim will continue to keep his major surgery a secret for no real reason at all, meaning that he'll have to come up with an excuse to explain why he disappeared for a day and came back with incision scars.  The plus side is Aggie is involved, holding his hand during the consultation, and Aggie doesn't seem like the kind of woman who'd let a man suffer in silence.  She'll hopefully nip round to Sally's for a coffee and drop a load of unsubtle hints that she really, really, should ask Tim how his heart is.  I'm all for it, because anything where Aggie becomes even better mates with the Metcalfes is fine with me.

Think pink!  Speed Daal's makeover continued apace, the insurance money having presumably rained down on them even though it's been Christmas.  The orange has been canned and replaced by a lot of plastic plants and pink neon; it's looks very "influencer" and Instagram ready.  I wouldn't be surprised if there's a "selfie spot" and complimentary ring lights.  On the plus side, the new Speed Daal sign is a lot smaller and out of the way, so hopefully we'll no longer get those unfortunate moments when someone stood in front of the Authentic Pakistani Street Food bit and half that sentence was cropped by the camera.

This was all the backdrop to Zeedan and Marrium reconciling thanks to her telling him how to stop his paintbrush drying out by using clingfilm.  I don't think that was a euphemism.  They were so obviously potty for one another, and slipped back into their romance so easily, it was hard to understand why they'd split up in the first place after only a few months of marriage.  Ah yes, I remember now: plot.

Grandmaster Flash is in the house.  Look, I'm going to be honest here; I don't buy that Sam didn't already know how to play chess.  He's a highly educated precocious boy - that kind of kid attracts older relatives wanting to pass down their chess knowledge.  There'll be a family gathering, and most of the cousins will be running around with water pistols or hammering at the XBox, but quiet Uncle Sidney will have seen something in the clever boy and will take him aside to show him his rook.  (That sounded a lot filthier than I meant it to, I'm sorry).  The point is, chess is a game that is only taught by nerds to nerds, and Sam will have been indoctrinated into its strategic ways long before Roy and Mary took hold.

This is all irrelevant anyway because I wouldn't have given up the chess scenes for anything.  It was all delightful, from Roy and Mary's sparring ("the master of strategy versus the queen of cunning and spontaneity"), to her singing I Know Him So Well while she contemplated her next move, to Nicky Tilsley sitting at the back the whole time looking confused.  I was entirely unsurprised to learn that after only three days of lessons Sam could absolutely kick his dad's backside at the game; to be honest I half expected Sam to have to gently pull a knight out of Nicky's nostril.  Perhaps my favourite moment was Roy comprehensively destroying a ten year old then absolutely refusing to dial back his competitive instincts.  That's it Roy, crush the child; teach him that life is unfair now before he has any hope.  Good man.

The author was taken to one side and taught chess by his cousin Michael when he was seven while the rest of the family looked on in amusement.  If you want to challenge me to a game contact me on Twitter @merseytart, but be warned: I'm absolutely useless.

All original work on Coronation Street Blog is covered by a Creative Commons License


Humpty Dumpty said...

Great reviews as always, Scott. Roy will have taught young Sam a lesson, just as he predicted. Last shot of Sam was of him looking up that chess move and he'll get his own back on Roy. I'm disappointed that a current storyline is a rework of another very recent one. Abi persuading upright citizen Roy to keep quiet about a crime otherwise she'll end up in prison has been reworked as Faye persuading upright citizen Emma to do much the same. It's a very strange storyline, anyway. Faye and Emma were in Tim's Streetcar cab. Surely he wouldn't have wanted to risk an insurance claim and lose his livelihood.

Sharon boothroyd said...

Great post.
I too, don't understand why Tim won't tell Sally about his heart problems. There is no real reason to keep it to himself.
I also don't understand why Craig and Fay are forced to move in with Emma and Ty.
Craig's a full- time copper, Fay's a full- time sales person at Underworld (although her and Michael don't seem to have much to do - I thought sales staff had to be pretty self- motivated and generate sales - clearly, I'm mistaken).
Why can't they afford a small 1 bed flat? I don't think they are very well matched - they are hardly love's young dream!
Why was Lydia given the PA job? Surely Sarah would be better candidate?
Couldn't Lydia fill Ty's exe's job (the name has slipped my mind) after her fall from drunken grace?

Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...

Sarah is the manager, so if she is offered a PA job, it is a step down.

Anonymous said...

That's what I thought, thanks for confirming this. Also I like Craig and Faye together, and what does loves young dream actually look like?
Craig did say it would be cheaper to move in there so they put the rest of their money towards a deposit on a place of their own. All this has been mentioned during the shows

Anonymous said...

When Sarah was chastising Adan for having a love life before her,I wished that Adam reminded Sarah that her ex Gary lives on the same Street is her landlord at Underworlds and that Sarah lied to protect Gary about Rick's death thus compromising Imram's and Adam's investigation into Rick's and Rana's death.

I see nothing wrong with Roy beating Sam [who was a poor loser]in chess.
I didn't like Nick's attitude expecting Roy to let Sam win,the boy needs to learn that he can't get his way all the time.

Sue said...

Didn’t Faye take Alina’s job at the factory although I don’t really know what her & Michael do there. Where did the PA go to as I don’t think there’s ever been one. If Sarah is the manager what does Carla do there.? do the workers still have shares that Carla gave everyone or did Carla take them back when Johnny gave her the money to buy Nick’s share.
The Sarah, Adam, Lydia storyline is tedious. Lydia is making a bigger deal out her past relationship with Adam and why could she care now after 10 years. But it makes for the plot of breaking up another marriage
But then Emma & Faye storyline is tedious just hope it ends soon
I think Nick wants to Sam to win the chess games to make him feel better

CK said...

Why is Sarah believing some person she just met over her husband. If Adam said it was a fling and not serious, why is she believing this person? Who cares anyway, Sarah is finding problems where none exist.

Charles said...

So Tyrone is now sharing a flat with two twenty somethings and a teenager but he's still got to sell his house so Fiz can move somewhere more suitable? Utterly ridiculous.

maggie muggins said...

Thanks for the giggles, Scott! Corrie has a lot of material to laugh at these days, but not in a funny way. Feels like so many stories are just rehashed over and over. When oh when was that photo of Tim from? Was that on Corrie, or another show? Gosh.

As for the boy wonder, Sam - I thought he already knew how to play chess to some degree. I was under the impression that the cafe scenes were a chance for him to hone his skills with Roy and Mary. Anyhoo, whatever because your humour more than covers over so many cracks in dialogue!

I love how Emma and FayE put their running shoes on newspaper in the middle of the room. Hi-lar-i-ous!

Anonymous said...

Why does Sarah did what she did... Something that a lot of us wonder about largely about people.

According to Corriepedia, Carla is just the owner, while Sarah is the Manager, and the last PA was Beth in 2018.

coconno196 said...

Don't remember that. Beth would be a useless PA. Didn't she try for promotion recently, attending client meetings? Or have I made that up?!

Louby said...

It's one of those Corrie oddities, that if someone needs a job, one just magically appears at one of the local businesses. Realistically, why would you give a job to someone who had just been fired for being drunk on the job?

These Five Things posts are brilliant at capturing everything that's ridiculous about modern Corrie, and for now, that's most of it! I'll look forward to next week's review; having seen some spoilers I decided to not bother watching!

Cobblestone said...

That photo of Tim - or rather, of the young Joe Duttine - is from Kevin Elyot’s 1994 play, ‘My Night With Reg’. It was very good, as I remember; both very funny and very moving. Anthony Calf and the late John Sessions also starred in it.


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