Five Things We Learned In Corrie This Week

HAVE IT.  Back in March this year, ITV made an announcement: Tracie Bennett would be returning to the show as Sharon Gaskell.  All right-minded people were excited.  Six-time Oliver Award nominee (two wins) Tracie Bennett!  Astonishingly camp human being Tracie Bennett!  Returning as Sharon Gaskell, a character whose history with the show went back so far her co-stars in her very first episode included such legends as Len, Hilda and Ivy!  This couldn't be anything less than thrilling!

And then she arrived.

It turned out she wasn't returning for an emotional reconnection with her former foster mother Rita; that was dealt with in about eight minutes.  Instead what we got was two months of Sharon barking into mobile phones, loitering indiscreetly, and shouting "WHAT WOULD LEANNE THINK OF THIS?" at people on the Street who had no idea who she was.  I think Amy dropped her homework by the bus stop one time and Sharon was straight in there to demand she phone Leanne and insist she returned to Weatherfield to help her pick it up.  It was, in short, nonsense, a colossal waste of a good actress, a terrible, interminable storyline that went round and round in circles with ever escalating levels of stupidity.  Finally this week we got Harvey's trial, and at the very least a promise of redemption as Sharon testified.  

But no.  Suddenly this woman who's been petrified of Harvey since April turned into a wicked gang boss, decided to metaphorically give him the finger in court and establish herself as the Ma Baker of Weatherfield.  Oh, and attempt to swindle ten grand out of Rita on the way out the door.  It was as if the writers had looked back over their work and thought, "have we ruined this character enough?" and decided no, what was needed was a final knife through Sharon's brain that transformed her into a ruthless psychopath.  She was last seen heading for the tram stop with a day pass and a wheely suitcase and - though it gives me no pleasure to say this - I really, really hope that's the last we ever see of her.  Which probably means she'll return at Christmas to get Roy addicted to amphetamines and to blow up the community garden for that feelgood Festive episode.

Incidentally, congratulations to Will Mellor's agent, who managed to get him appearance fees for Wednesday and Friday's episodes even though he had, in total, two lines (in fact all he did on Wednesday was glower).  Nice work if you can get it.  

The path of true love never runs smooth.  Needing romantic advice, Emma turned to Tracy, which makes me wonder if she's had a Shona-style bang on the head.  Tracy advised her to play the long game with Curtis in the Bistro because that's the best way to snag a man.  You might think she's talking out of her hat, but when you think about it, she first developed a crush on Steve back in 1989, and here she is just thirty years later married to him, so who's laughing now?  Emma actually followed her advice and played it cool with Curtis even though any rational human being would take one look at him, remove all their clothes, and invite him to play with any part of it he wanted.  Seriously, he is a trainee doctor who works part time to fund his studies and who looks like this:

In fact the most unrealistic part of the storyline was Curtis himself being awkward and shy around Emma.  People who look like that aren't anxious in romantic situations because quite simply nobody has ever said no to them so they have no fear about it whatsoever.  Emma and Curtis finally hooked up for a quiet glass of wine in the Bistro, and it was quite lovely, and I hope they continue to have a nice happy relationship that's charming and rewarding and doesn't involve secrets.

Save Carol!  When Carol returned to the show she had sorted her life out: she was well-dressed, had a place of her own, was off the drugs.  One month of Double Glammy and she was slumped on the bench in the community garden full of skag.  This what happens when you get Sean Tully in your life; all those years of me complaining that he'd dropped her like a stone and it turned out she was better off without him.  He was even hopeless when she was overdosing - he cancelled the ambulance in favour of Doctor Gaddas attending to her, and when he was told Carol needed to be watched to make sure she was ok, he took her round to a friend's house and left her there.  Sean, your posh Red Bank flat is literally right across the road; worried she might get blood on your carpet, did you?  We've never seen inside Sean's flat but if his interior design skills are anything like his fashion stylings I can only imagine it looks like Lady Gaga exploded in his front room.

Sean decided to abandon Double Glammy; of course, Sean being Sean, he made sure he had an audience to announce this - I'm surprised he didn't take to that balcony at Underworld and proclaim it to the world like Eva Peron in over tight jeans.  He enlisted Daniel to write an article for the Gazette, because Daniel's a journalist again, apparently?  I don't know when he finds the time to fit it in, what with his baby and his studies and tutoring Sam and having intensely homoerotic conversations with Paul while they are both only wearing towels.  Having destroyed Double Glammy in the press - and taken Daisy down with him - I wonder where Sean is going to live now?  He won't be able to afford that posh flat, and I'm sure Eileen has enjoyed not having him around.  Maybe he'll end up homeless again.  If he does, I hope Carol will wander past him on her way to her new fabulous job, spot him curled up in the doorway of Morrisons, and give him ten pence.  Then never give him another thought.

Don't give up the day job.  Look, we all deal with trauma in different ways, and as someone who regularly uses humour as a way of avoiding dealing with human emotions, I sympathise with Todd's need to crack gags inappropriately.  But still, I was really surprised Billy didn't snap and demand that he drop the low-rent stand up routine that he persisted with throughout Monday's episode.  Joke, joke, joke, while Summer's got tubes up her nose and syringes in her arm; it was like being in a hospital waiting room with Lennie Bennett.  

So yes, Summer is officially diabetic, and it was announced to us with all the subtlety of a Public Information Film directed by Michael Bay.  "They asked if I'd seen the four Ts," said Billy.  "Toilet, thirst, thinner and tired."  I'm surprised he didn't turn to the camera and urge us all to write it down because we'll be tested later.  Summer took the news badly, which adds further evidence to the pile that Summer II is nowhere near as hardy and resilient as Summer I.  Summer I would've taken this news in her stride, written a thesis about it, and probably organised an awareness campaign in the car home from Wethy General.  Summer II looks quite wobbly and scared.  I don't know why, Katy Harris had diabetes and managed it perfectly well, and Katy Harris was stupider than concrete.  All Summer has to do is not murder her father and blame it on her mother and then eat a bag of Silver Spoon and she'll be fine.

Everybody loves a bit of T&A.  Tyrone and Alina have reached the "tacky tattoo" stage of their relationship so you know it's love; nothing says full commitment like getting the Romanian flag branded on you for the rest of your life.  It definitely doesn't scream of insecurity and desperation.  When Ty and Alina Pop! eventually split up - come on, we all know it's going to happen - I wonder what he'll do with his tattoo?  Perhaps he'll spend the rest of his life telling people he's a big fan of Romanian midfielder Adrian Mutu (yes I had to look that up).  It definitely means we won't be seeing Tyrone in shorts very much any more, much like David does very few shirtless scenes because they have to paint his TINA tattoo on him every time.  Alina, at least, has got hers on the small of her back, so there's little chance of her being reminded of it once the relationship goes south.  This is the spot where people usually have a "tramp stamp" - I'll just leave that there.  She is apparently pregnant now, because of course she is.  Can we turn the abandoned gym into an STI clinic, or at the very least put baskets of condoms on the bar of the Rovers?  Nobody in this Street ever uses contraception, ever, and leaving aside the many accidental babies that have resulted, they must all be absolutely riddled.  All they ever do is leap into bed with one another at inappropriate times.  Fifty per cent of Doctor Gaddas's appointments must be to prescribe penicillin for the latest gonorrhoea sufferer.

We at least got closure on the issue of Kirsty this week, as she suffered a brain aneurysm and died alone in her flat.  Sadly her father can't be traced, which means we won't get David Lonsdale back in the show.  Presumably this is because if two Peter Barlows are on the same set at any one time the Blinovitch Limitation Effect will kick in and Salford will be obliterated in an explosion. Kirsty has long been one of those loose ends that hovers over the show; while Ruby and Tyrone remained on the Street there was always a possibility that she might turn up on their doorstep.  Now Tyrone is left organising her funeral - given their past together, he'd be forgiven for chucking her in an old Amazon box and leaving her on the corner for the binmen to pick up, but he's clearly a nicer person than I am.  "How will I tell Ruby?" he wailed to Fiz.  You don't need to worry Ty, Ruby's completely vanished from sight - it's not likely to come up.  Just chuck it casually into conversation when she finally returns to the show to celebrate her 18th birthday in 2030.

Seriously Curtis, my DMs are open @merseytart.  We can get past the fact that I am literally old enough to be your dad, promise.

---

---

All original work on Coronation Street Blog is covered by a Creative Commons License