Cosy crimes and gritty sagas by Corrie Blog editor Glenda, published by Headline. Click pic below!

Saturday 8 August 2020

Five Things We Learned In Corrie This Week


If music be the food of love, play Daydream BelieverDoes anyone honestly believe Carla can play the recorder?  Nobody that glamorous spent their childhood banging out Annabella, Annabella, Have you seen my new umbrella in front of a bored parents' evening.  Even as a five year old, I'm sure she was wearing stilettos with her school uniform and smoking Player's No 6 in the sandpit to ensure she had a deep husky voice in adulthood.  The other kids were larking around on the climbing frame, and she was busy painting her nails with Crayola and batting her eyelids to get the older boys to buy her Haribo.  I hope she won't cave into Peter's pressure to perform, not least because he pulled that recorder out of the attic at number one, and who knows how long it's been up there.  It was probably Tracy's originally and the minute she blows down it the desiccated corpse of a long dead spider will come shooting out the end.  (I did like it when Carla asked Peter if he knew that "old song" Daydream Believer.  Fun fact: Peter Barlow is two years older than the Monkees classic).


**** Tha Police.  This week, Alya finally snapped and threatened to shove the business end of a broom right up Geoff's backside.  No doubt Monday's episode will begin with the police turning up on her doorstep and arresting her for GBH, because they only investigate nonsense, not real problems.  Weatherfield Police really are the worst.  There's Ginge up there, who's shown a remarkable lack of interest in Paula Wilcox vanishing off the face of the earth; she only interviewed Geoff because she thought she might get a free naan bread out of it.  How about checking Elaine's phone?  Seeing where the sim card was last picked up?  Or simply going round to her house and knocking on the door?  No?  Too much effort?


Then there's Blondie here, who decided to interrogate the victim of a hit and run.  She barked questions at Sarah-Lou throughout Monday like she was auditioning for Broadchurch and at no point did she ask her anything about the car that hit Gary and sped off.  Number plate?  Colour?  How about the fact that she actually saw the driver?  Nah.  Instead she was far more interested in Sarah-Lou's private life, her telephone habits and trying to get to the bottom of why Gary would be on a road that's exactly halfway between his house and his work.  And even then she couldn't really get much of an effort going; Sarah was burbling out incredibly unconvincing half-truths and flat out lies and she didn't bother following up.  The real crime in these episodes was clearly committed by the detectives themselves, as they both had impeccable haircuts that they definitely didn't do themselves in lockdown.  Slip a stylist a tenner for a non-socially distant blow dry, did you girls?  Honestly, you can't trust anyone.


There's a face from the past (not that one) under the viaduct.  Sally nipped under the railway bridge so she bellow private information at Paula Wilcox from two metres away, all the time wearing her Gwen-from-Eldorado marigolds, and we got a shock.  Yes, that weirdly photoshopped poster of Chesney and Gemma is still up!  This is despite them comprehensively trashing their reputation and being dumped by Freshco.  Either the supermarket's promo team is particularly lax or they've left that one up deliberately just to annoy Gemma.  I bet while she's been stuck at home with nothing to do except vlog there have been at least six updates where she does nothing but lay into Freshco for making her look like a blow up doll.  It'd be a better use of her time than wandering into the pub and making Abi feel rotten for wanting her kids to have a better life.  You was dumping your kids on a bus and fantasising about shoving them in the washing machine a few months ago, love, wind your neck in.  Someone needs to get under there and pull that poster down.  While they're at it, they can nip round to Victoria Street with some weedkiller:


Look at the state of that pavement!  Never mind "nature is healing", it's starting to take over back there.  A few more days and you'll need a machete to hack your way through to the tram stop.


Jenny delivers.  With Rita in quarantine, she turned to her sort-of-daughter to keep her topped up with provisions.  Hotpots?  Yes.  Vodka and tonics?  Naturally.  Rice wine vinegar?  Erm... I'm not sure what Reet needed that for; it seems highly unlikely that the legendary Mrs Fairclough (you heard) would be making herself a stir fry.  She seems like much more of a pie and potato kind of woman.  I suspect she'd actually run out of booze, and was too embarrassed to ask Jenny to get her another litre of cheap red because it was only an hour and a half since she got her V&T.  As it was, Jenny forgot to get the vinegar anyway, so she'll be deprived.  She'll have to ask Ryan, who has also transformed himself into a delivery service during the crisis.  He was taking prescription medicines to elderly ladies.  I bet they're thrilled when they see him come down the path, and manufacture all sorts of odd jobs for him to do in the hope he'll get all sweaty and take his top off.  Faye was also doing her bit for the community, delivering the food from the restaurant, though how she was doing this without a car or even a moped I'm not sure.  You don't really want a congealed korma.  Perhaps she's a very fast walker.


Craig's half the man he used to be.  While most of us have spent lockdown in front of the telly, cramming Magnums into our mouth and counting the walk to the wine rack as our once a day exercise, Colson Smith has put us all to shame by losing what looks like ninety per cent of his body weight.  He still has that sweet round face and sticky out ears, it's just now they're perched on top of a rake-thin body.  Let's have a look from the side, shall we?


Blimey.  Sensibly they didn't try to explain away his new appearance in-universe, as the only possible reason for such a severe and sudden weight loss would be extreme plastic surgery or perhaps a bout of norovirus.  I hope this doesn't change his personality.  Remember Molly Dobbs?  She was a jolly, chunky young girl, charming and lovely and fun, until she lost all the weight and started running marathons.  Next thing you knew she was leaping into bed with Kevin Webster and breaking Tyrone's heart.  Don't drop your niceness along with your trouser size, Craigy.

Apparently Kirk can guzzle a bag of pork scratchings in 14 seconds.  What can you swallow down in record time?  Let me know on Twitter @merseytart.  Keep it clean.





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12 comments:

Anonymous said...

Your bit about Carla is hilarious, that's exactly how I imagine she spent her childhood! There's no way she can play the recorder!
Haha I too thought it was a bit rich of Gemma saying all that to Abi when she's spent the last few months dreaming about getting rid of her quads...
This week felt uneventful, not much happened,but your reviews are always entertaining, so thanks!

Anonymous said...

I wondered why was Gemma in the pub in the first place?
Shouldn't she be in quarantine with her quads and Joseph?
It's getting ridiculous how Gemma is shoehorned in every episode and she has the gall to be holier than thou to Abi when she left her babies on a bus and didn't go to the police when Clayton was harassing her.
If Gemma went to the police about Clayton wanting her to steal money from the kehbab shop,Kylie would still be alive and she and David living in the Bahamas

Anonymous said...

Sadly one thing I've learned this week are the writers have sunk to a new low having Gary exploit Oliver's terminal illness when he lied to say that was the reason he didn't raise the rent so he can look goof to Nick and especially Sarah when in reality Gary is bribing Sarah to keep quiet about killing Rick so no one will realise Gary is the one not Rick who sabotaged the factory roof which led to Rana's death
Oliver's storyline is hard enough to watch but for the writers to have Gary exploit a terminally ill child so he can get away with two murders is disgraceful.

Anonymous said...

I remember the show runner hyping Gary up as a 'supervillain'... he's super pathetic, and this story's super boring... but he's no supervillain.
This week we had Geoff, Gemma and Gary. In short, a terrible week.

Humpty Dumpty said...

Good of you to try and make sense of these episodes, Scott. The whole Elaine/Philippa back story's getting more far-fetched by the minute. She arrives unaccompanied but terrified, lurks on the street where she can be spotted. Did she tell anyone where she was going or perhaps the next thing is her partner will come looking for her. And is that the first time Tim's seen a photo of his mother (with him as a toddler?) which Geoff has possibly kept in his wallet for the last 50 years? Probably not a genuine photo but, thankfully, Carla and Peter lifted the episode with some humour.

dhvinyl said...

Scott, your writing is beyond magnificent, laugh-out-loud stuff, and gets our Sunday mornings (I read them in bed to the wife!) off to the best of starts. My one hope is that the script-writing team, Jonathan and all the others, look forward to it as much as we do. I’d like to imagine them round the studio table saying, ‘let’s see what Scott does with this scene !’

Sharon boothroyd said...

Great post, Scott!
Fay doing speed dhaal deliveries - did she use Geoff's car?I don't know he had one and I don't know if she has passed her driving test.
Fab to see a slimmer Craig - as you say, he's put us all to shame!
I hope they give him a love interest now.. how about Nina (who hasn't done anything constructive, apart from make sarky remarks at the cafe) Izzy, Alyah, Fay or even an older woman, such as Maria? If Gary is going to ditch Maria on their wedding day, she'll be heartbroken and need a shoulder to cry on...

Nina (not that one) said...

Izzy would count as ‘an older woman’ too as she is about 13 years older than Craig, Alya is happy with Ryan and Maria is far too old and been round the block too many times. So it’s down to Nina or Faye. Or just to astound us all it could be someone who doesn’t live on the street.

abbyk said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
abbyk said...

Craig and Faye are pals from her pregnancy days but I think the ‘ship’ has sailed. I’d like to see him with Nina and rediscover his interest in art. Hobbies make characters more interesting.

coconno196 said...

Oh yes, Craig and Nina do have art in common and it would be nice to see Craig pursue that again. I don't mind him being a cop, at least he doesn't work in the factory or various eateries!

Anonymous said...

How about getting Craig and Emma together? I doubt she will end up with Seb

GRITTY SAGAS BY CORRIE BLOG EDITOR GLENDA YOUNG, PUBLISHED BY HEADLINE. CLICK PIC BELOW!

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