Five Things We Learned In Corrie This Week

If you can't do it right don't do it at all.  According to the venerable Corriepedia, there have been 97 weddings in the show (not counting the ones where nobody got hitched).  There have been all sorts of marriages - tearjerkers, marriages of convenience, comedy nuptials.  But this week's marriage of Gary and Maria was probably the first one that was embarrassing.  Social distancing restrictions to the show made the whole thing a farce, and not the good kind, as the audience was left staring at the threadbare nuptials and wondering why on earth they bothered.  The producers had a three month break in filming to come up with something that could look good on screen, and if this is the best they could manage, they probably shouldn't have bothered.

Having a couple who supposedly live together say their vows while two metres apart was just daft, not to mention the fact that there was no "you may kiss the bride".  David demanding to see their rings couldn't compete.  Then there was the sparse guest list.  Would Maria really get married without Liam there?  (Gary doesn't count, because as has been previously established, his kids don't exist).  They couldn't even find a decent excuse for him not to be there - again, Liam supposedly lives with Maria and Gary, so it's perfectly ok for him to be at the wedding.  Why was Kirk there, but not Beth or Craig?  Why didn't Gary's sister Faye show up?  She was in last Friday's episode, listening in on Sally and Geoff's argument and set the same day, so we knew she was about.  She wasn't even there as a member of staff, meaning there was apparently no-one to stop the guests from grabbing those expensive bottles of vodka off the shelves.  They should've had Gary take Maria on holiday to Gretna Green or something, or simply return from the registry office to confetti from their friends in the Street, rather than subject us to this.  This is Gary's first ever wedding on the show, and I wanted better for him.

Also if in future they could avoid putting ladies in long dresses this close to candles I'd very much appreciate it.

Get out while you can.  That is the expression of a woman who is genuinely starting to worry if she'll ever see daylight again.  A little global pandemic can't put Daniel off from being as creepy as possible, and he forced Nicky to put on that manky cardigan and eat mash with him.  All the time she was eyeing the exits and trying to back away slowly.  It's interesting to think that Nicky, who, as a sex worker, has probably indulged some of the most depraved male fantasies in her time, is taking one look at Daniel and thinking "this guy is really weird".

She has at least started restricting his Cardi-time, claiming that she has to get two buses to her next client (you're earning £150 an hour love, get a cab) and that she's booked up for the rest of the week, but it doesn't seem to be putting Daniel off.  Block his number, Nicky.  If you're not careful next time you'll end up stuffed with sawdust and perched on the end of his sofa, sewn into that cardigan forever.

Be a dirty thirty.  Paul's suffering a small crisis as he's about to turn thirty, which on the one hand I can very much relate to, as I had one too, but on the other hand I'm forty-three now so shut your yap you whining foetus.  He told Alina Pop! he wasn't yet ready for cocoa and Inspector Morse, making me wonder exactly how exciting he thought life with a vicar was going to be; the Church tends to frown on their reverends turning up to Sunday service hungover and reeking of poppers.  He also felt let down by Gemma, who didn't seem to want to celebrate their birthday either, but it was actually a subterfuge as she was planning a surprise party for them both.  There was something sad to me about Gemma planning a surprise party for her own twin, knowing full well that nobody else was going to do it for her so at least she could make Apollo happy.  Then she tried to tap Bernie and Cathy for contributions and I realised why nobody wanted to give her a big do.

The new lineup of Charlie's Angels is a bit lacking.  So Todd's back, sort of, having found a stamp in the Delamere Forest and used it to mail a demand for cash to Eileen.  (And yes, he did mail it, despite that girl claiming she hand-delivered it; the envelope had a postmark and everything).  I did enjoy the stakeout on Victoria Gardens, mainly because they didn't seem to know what Todd looks like these days either.  The three of them poked their heads up like meerkats every time a vaguely well-put together man in his thirties wandered past, as though they knew he'd look different for some reason.  Mary assumed a pair of Blanche's old sunglasses to conceal her identity, a foolproof plan.  Sean hid himself under a truly tragic baseball cap - no man in his forties should ever wear a baseball cap; it reeks of "I have a bald patch but I'm afraid to admit it to myself" - as though that would somehow mask the overpowering glow of his silver jacket and luminous shirt.  He was unsurprisingly hopeless at surveillance, running off to the hitherto unmentioned toilet in the kebab shop after about three minutes.  He should've done what Billy did, and simply relieved himself in the street.

Todd, of course, didn't turn up to grab the money, with it instead being some girl who burbled a story about finding his bag and phone and trying to con Eileen, or something - it didn't really make much sense.  I guess this means we'll get a few more episodes of intrigue before Todd v2 finally shows his new face.  Hopefully in that time Billy will tell Paul what's going on, because there is literally no reason at all for him to hide it from him, and this is just going to create an annoying argument later.

You may be affected by the storylines in this week's episode.  I came away from this week's Corrie sad and depressed.  Abi's storyline had filled me with a sense of real despair.  I wasn't bothered about her getting her arm crushed by an engine block, or her missing out on saying goodbye to The Twins - on the contrary, I hope that their exile to Australia means we never hear about them again.  There's only so much of Seb screwing up his face under a pony tail I can handle.  No, what really upset me was this:

 
It looks like we're getting a DRUGS storyline, folks, and those are always, always, terrible.  I might have to stock up on the heroin myself just to get through it.

There were a lot of storylines in this week's shows, but sadly the scenes of Tyrone cavorting round his house naked must've ended up on the cutting room floor.  If anyone at the production team would like to forward these deleted scenes on to me you can do so via Twitter @merseytart.

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