Cosy crimes and gritty sagas by Corrie Blog editor Glenda, published by Headline. Click pic below!

Saturday, 30 July 2022

Five Things We Learned In Corrie This Week

Change, my dear, and it seems not a moment too soon.  I've been complaining about Stephen for - let me check - twenty six years now.  He has showed up, time and time again, and hasn't once been interesting.  Alma wanted to cop off with him.  Nicky ran off to Canada with him.  He offered David a job, then changed his mind and gave it to Sarah-Lou.  In all that time he hasn't once shown a grain of charisma, charm, or spark.  Clearly the producers have finally listened to me and in Wednesday's show they gave him a personality: unfortunately it was the personality of a mad person.  Suddenly the tedious Canadian was standing in the middle of the Street and screaming.  He was threatening.  He was a lunatic.  Kevin should've taken the wrench to his forehead instead of the car, because clearly he'd had some sort of knock on the head and had become an entirely different person.

Stephen was furious because his new car wouldn't work.  Why he owned a car anyway I'm not sure; he'd only been in the country two days, and his home is in Milan or Canada (I can't remember which one).  I'd have thought he'd have rented one, but no, apparently he went to a second hand dealer on the way in from the airport and when his Jag didn't work properly he gave it to Webster's Autos to sort out instead of taking it back to the dodgy salesman who'd sold him a pup.  The shenanigans meant Stephen missed his very important meeting that was worth a whole £25,000.  There was a tram stop right behind you the whole time, Steve.  And at the other end of Victoria Street, a cab office, with two cars waiting outside.  Fortunately he soon calmed down and by Friday's episode he was back to being as boring as ever.  Surely there's a suitable character midpoint between "sentient puddle of water" and "the Incredible Hulk, but wearing a tie."

Age ain't nothing but a number.  Jack had his last day at primary school this week despite him clearly being about 47.  I understand that it's difficult to find a compromise between a child who is the same age as the character and one who is mature enough to cope with the storylines but Kyran Bowes is fifteen years old - a full four years older than Jack.  He's closer in age to the actress who plays Kelly than to the girl who plays Hope.  No wonder Kevin's having such trouble with him - he's a moody teenager.

I will say that it's probably inadvisable to put Jack with other children who are supposedly his own age.  They tried their best with the camera angles but when he was surrounded by baying children he was a clear foot taller than all of them; it was a surprise that he only beat up one of them because he could've clearly taken the rest with one hand behind his back.  At least now he's at Wethy High he'll be able to slip in amongst Max and Liam and he won't look quite so much like one of those creepy adults who go back to school undercover because they can't handle being a grown up.

Dress to impress.  If you're reading this Harriet Bibby, I want you to know I'm on your side.  I support you.  And if you want my help finding a solicitor to sue the costume department at ITV Studios, I'm happy to assist.  Because clearly someone there hates you.  Summer hasn't worn a single outfit since her head change that wasn't in some way hideous.  Perhaps she wouldn't have so many body issues if she didn't dress like she'd just been released from a prison in Amish Country.

Look at that!  She wore a green jumpsuit to a job interview!  Is she parachuting into jungle territory when it's over?  Carla didn't take her seriously because of her sketchy CV, but really she should've been concentrating on the fact that someone who wanted to work for a clothes company clearly had trouble dressing herself.  God only knows what Summer's underwear looks like - I suspect they make Ena Sharples' stout bloomers look risqu√©.  By the way, yes, here's another intelligent woman giving up a life of promise to work in the knicker factory, and can we please, please stop doing this?  It's getting depressing that any woman who has any kind of brain must be punished for it and forced to spend her days listening to Kirk breaking wind along to Heart FM.  

In Friday's episode Summer - a girl with a good looking boyfriend, an empty flat, and a desire to get losing her virginity out of the way as soon as possible - decided to tempt Aaron while wearing a granny cardigan and trousers.  It says a lot about the horniness of teenage boys that Aaron was still well up for it.  He promptly cancelled the holiday on her so she could work on her low self esteem.  I think he was more embarrassed at being seen on a beach in Barcelona with an 18 year old girl wearing a woollen bathing suit that covered her from head to toe.

It's deja vu all over again.  Debbie's money problems continued as she scrabbled around trying to find the money to pay Ed.  You know what I'd do Debbie?  Not pay him.  No, really.  He's not actually been awarded any money at all - she's trying to stop him going to court.  Well, let him go to court.  That'll take months, by which time you might've scraped the cash together, and there's always a chance he'll lose the case.  Or perhaps explain the situation to Ronnie - who is, let's not forget, Ed's brother - and maybe he can have a quiet word, and get them to accept instalments, or a lower figure.  It does raise the question of how Paul and Ed are going to work for zero money at all while they build Ronnie's houses as apparently they're both immediately desperate for cash the second the work stops coming in.

Debbie has hit upon a totally original and unexpected idea to raise the money: an insurance scam.  Wow, we haven't seen that before.  Perhaps she could ask Leanne for hints since she burned down Valandro's for the cash.  Or perhaps Ryan could give his mum a ring, because Michelle faked a robbery at the bistro back in 2017, and she got away Scot-free.  Of course, she is the Exalted Queen of the Universe, and therefore the police wouldn't dream of prosecuting her, but she might have a few hints.

So yes, Ryan's back in the programme, and he's caught up in a dodgy crime.  That wasn't really how I wanted him to come back into the show.  (Admittedly I mainly wanted him to come back into the show wearing nothing but his pants but you can't have everything).  He's desperate for cash ever since his DJ'ing equipment fell into a sinkhole, and his job at Speed Daal disappeared the instant he tried to interfere in Alya's love life.  It's making me a bit worried because, to be honest, ever since Michelle and Ali departed Ryan's sort of drifted round the periphery of the show, not really doing anything or having a reason to stick around.  Making him commit an armed robbery seems like a handy way to send him to prison or on the run to the Costa del Crime and losing Ryan Prescott and His Lovely Arms would be a shame.

Life isn't fair.  There's a great bit in the film Misery where Kathy Bates loses her mind shouting about the unfairness of those old timey serials.  She tells a story about how one ended with a cliffhanger of a car going over a cliff with the hero inside, but in the next episode, the hero rolls free.  She stood up and shouted that it wasn't fair, that he didn't get out of the cockadoodie carI have a great sympathy for Annie Wilkes because fairness is a contract the viewer takes out with the creators of fiction.  We'll take on board what you do so long as you don't go crazy and treat us like idiots.  You can take us into the realms of the improbable but there still needs to be a thread of respect.

This all struck me when Phill turned up at Fiz's house with a signed annulment in Monday's episode.  Friday had ended with him spitting hatred at Fiz and Tyrone, real fury and anger, promising that he'd make their lives a misery, that he'd make them suffer, that he'd never sign the annulment.  And then in the very next episode he shows up and says, never mind, here you go, have a nice life.  That's cheating.  That's a cliffhanger that wasn't paid off right.  Either have Phill sign the annulment or not.  Don't make us go into the weekend wondering how it'll be resolved and then copping out.

Similarly, Wednesday's episode ended with Stephen striding into the police station, his face filled with rage, saying he wanted to make a statement about the damage to his car.  He got a big significant close up as he simmered on the bench in the reception.  And then on Friday we learned he'd done...nothing.  He'd withdrawn his complaint, wouldn't be pressing charges, and all that fretting Kevin had done was for naught.  What a waste of time for us as viewers, and what a cheat.  Why not take it further?  Blow up the Rovers Friday night, then reveal on Monday that it was actually a virtual reality simulation on Jack's computer?  Have Aadi drop dead at the end of one episode, then have him say "lol, not really," at the start of the next one.  Simply make up any old nonsense and refuse to follow it through.  It might get people tuning back in for a while, but soon they'll learn to stop caring what happens in a cliffhanger, knowing it doesn't really matter.  Everything will be fine in the end.  He'll get out of the cockadoodie car.

Could Madame Sienna's photoshopper please contact me via Twitter @merseytart?  I have way too many aging lines on my face in my photographs and I want them to turn me into Casper the Friendly Ghost.

All original work on Coronation Street Blog is covered by a Creative Commons License


dhvinyl said...

I came back to the cobbles a month ago after a six month sabbatical, spurred on partly by the return of Spider Nugent and largely because my heroine Maureen Lipman was up front and enjoying the scripts I’m sure she writes herself.
Now, a month later I’m seriously thinking of ‘heading out’ (as one reviewer enjoys telling us) again. For goodness sake most most of these younger characters disappear, halve the cast and concentrate on a few strong story lines that have continuity and sense. I was lured back in vain! Jonathan Harvey- I used to worship you and your writing. Now you’re in the chess pit with all the others! For goodness sake, rise up and force the top brass to get us back to the Coronation Street we knew and loved.

Anonymous said...

Very funny steve! I have also given up watching the 'show' but continue to follow the shenanigans by reading your 'five things' - you really should become a corrie scriptwriter, I'd definitely switch on again for that! keep writing these posts, they're excellent! :)

CK said...

Great update as always. In fact I only read your updates and have stopped actually watching the show. It's sad really as I used to enjoy it and now it's just tedious and plain dumb. The same lame storylines replayed over and over. The actors having to plod through ridiculous plots. Really Fizzzz went back to Tyrone after all that? Summer at the fac-tree? She's working there instead of sitting for the exam again after all that? Blech

Anonymous said...

I would like to make one correction,the house that Fiz is now living in is Tyrone's house not hers!

coconno196 said...

Love your comments about Jack and cliffhangers.

Charles said...

Tyrone and Fiz were never a particularly endearing combination and I can't say that the way they've treated Phill has done much to convince me otherwise.

The new Jack and Vera? I don't think so.

Also, what's happening with Spider? Is he coming back or was that it for his return?

Anonymous said...

Maybe Summer was a big fish in a little pond and she knows that everyone will discover she is a small fish in a big pond if she goes to uni. Personally I was hoping she would go so we could forget about her.

I love 5 things, thanks for the giggles.


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