I'm so tired. There was a point during this week's Corrie where I turned to my long-suffering partner and asked, "why are we still watching this programme?" Because it was dreadful. The dialogue, the plots, everything. There was a strong streak of stupid running through all of it, where perfectly normal storylines - a boy becoming ill, a trial, a relationship break-up - were infused with daft twists and contrivances. I'm not sure what it was, exactly, that prompted my question; it may have been when Liam earnestly asked his mother "Why can't people just ride bikes?". Yeah, go and tell your stepdad that next time he does a house clearance he has to cart the wardrobe away on a BMX.
Maria became a one woman campaigner for the environment, Greta Thunberg in D&G denim, although in a really hyper-focussed way. She decided that Liam's asthma was all the fault of one single van that Underworld owned. Not their main van, because Sarah pointed out that it was a hybrid; no, a previously unseen second van, one that didn't have any Underworld branding on it, almost as if they'd bought an old wreck cheap for the purpose of Maria smashing it up. Which she did. Like I said, stupid. Sometimes I wonder if storylines are conceived purely so they can have a dramatic preview picture. There's no real reason for the violence, it's just something that they can release to Digital Spy the week before to make the show look EXCITING. Presumably, once she'd finished on the Underworld van, Maria was going to take her crowbar to Kevin's diesel-belching tow truck. And the Weatherfield Wayfarer. And her husband's knackered old van. No?
Her job done, Maria then strode off down the middle of the road. Because apparently Coronation Street is so clogged with polluting vehicles that it's killing Liam's lungs, but also, there's not a moving vehicle to be seen and you can walk in the highway. Urgh, it was all so ridiculous and pointless. What's wrong with a storyline about Liam getting asthma? Why does it have to be violent and smashy and confrontational? Ah yes, I remember now. Because this show is stupid.
Only a couple of episodes later this previously unmentioned house became incredibly important to the plot. What are the chances of that, eh? Freshly dumped by Michael, Grace remembered she was a horrible person and blackmailed Ed and Aggie, demanding the house or she'd take Glory away to far-off Hull where they'd never see her or their granddaughter ever again.
Hour and three quarters along the M62 by car, two hours on a direct train from Piccadilly, just saying.
You know what the Baileys need? A solicitor. Stop pussy-footing around Grace and letting her dictate terms. Get to the Family Court, get a child arrangements order. In fact, go the whole hog and apply for sole custody. Michael has a good job, a nice home and a supportive family; Grace is a loon who served jail time for pretending somebody else's baby was hers. Cut the manipulative witch out of your life completely.
Age ain't nothing but a number. This is Hope Stape, born 9th December 2010.
And this is Jack Webster, born two months earlier on the 6th September 2010. Yes, that strapping lad is about to turn eleven. I assume this is a side effect of the sepsis; he lost a foot, but was injected with a massive quantity of testosterone as compensation. Jack also seems more mature with his plans for vengeance; while Hope simply burns down the homes of her enemies, Jack takes to the internet to spread information. He posted about Corey's upcoming trial on a Tommy Orpington forum; I really want to know who is frequenting that forum, and how many of the users are currently subject to restraining orders.
Jack got a visit from a very good looking policeman as a result as he was told that naming Corey might have been prejudicial to the trial. That's nonsense, of course. Corey and Kelly haven't been publicly named because they're young offenders - it's got nothing to do with the case itself. If they were adults their names would have been in the press when they were arrested, and they would be a matter of record once the trial began. If Jack posted Corey told me he definitely did it, also he was dripping with blood, they're all covering this up pass it on, then you might possibly argue that it was prejudicial, but all he did was say Corey was up in court and Tommy Orpington was going to defend him. Still, it's all moot anyway, because Jack deleted the post and that was the end of it.
If it works once, do it again. In the opening scene of Monday's episode, Imran was up incredibly early. He explained to Toyah it was because he was so stressed about Kelly's trial.
In the opening scene of Wednesday's episode, Imran was up incredibly early. He explained to Toyah it was because he was so stressed about Kelly's trial.
And in the opening scene of Friday's episode, Toyah was up incredibly early. She explained to Imran it was because she was so stressed about Kelly's trial. See how they mixed things up to keep it interesting? In fairness, Toyah was also worried about her relationship with Imran because she suddenly values Abi's feelings more than Kelly's. Remember, it was Toyah who desperately wanted to be a mother for years, and who presumably lead the whole fostering idea because she had such a strong maternal urge. Now she's chucked all that out the window and abandoned Kelly because she's worried about annoying a woman who I'm not sure she's ever exchanged more than three words with. It's certainly grounds for her to give Imran ultimatums about their partnership.
Please tell the author why he should even bother any more on Twitter @merseytart.
