Coronation Street Blog: Five Things We Learned In Corrie This Week

Saturday, 14 August 2021

Five Things We Learned In Corrie This Week

Everyone's a critic. In Wednesday's episode, Nina unveiled her tribute to Seb, a lovingly crafted mural of him amidst a brand new vegetable garden.

Reader, I laughed.

I laughed so hard I had to pause the programme while I regained my composure. Look at it. LOOK AT IT. The wash of colours, like a vase of coloured sand on your nanna's sideboard. The blank face that bears no resemblance to Seb whatsoever. The HASHTAG. It's astonishingly awful. No wonder Abi smashed it up; she claimed it was because she found it upsetting, but it's entirely possible she was possessed by the spirit of the late Brian Sewell and had to fight against it on behalf of good taste.

The vegetable garden was quickly reassembled, making it the largest memorial on the Street yet. Surely it needed some kind of planning permission? I am certain it overhangs onto the cobbles on Victoria Street, so Weatherfield Highways Department might want a word. It now joins Maxine's bench, Tina's raised beds, and Maddy's mural commemorating young people who've been unnecessarily killed in the show. The memorials are getting bigger and bigger every time - if, say, Amy is murdered in a couple of years, they'll have to demolish the kebab shop to build a flaming Eye of Sauron to overshadow the others.

Get in, get it done, get out. Do you ever wish you could see in the writer's room at ITV? Find out exactly why a storyline hits the airwaves? Because the whole "Shona hit and run" storyline was so rapid and, ultimately, pointless, I found myself wondering if it had been brought in as a replacement for something else. Perhaps there was meant to be a plot with Max and the Platts, and they still can't get kids on the show; perhaps someone was forced to self-isolate and they dropped out quick. I just find it hard to believe that they thought "Shona runs Todd over in the middle of the night, drives off, and the Platts are then blackmailed" was something that could be adequately over and done with in four episodes.

Very little about the story made sense, starting with Shona even managing to get up the speed to smack into a human being in that narrow little alley, and moving onto why Todd was wandering around near Coronation Street at 5 AM in the first place. I presumed George lived miles away, which is why we've never met him before; it seems unlikely that Todd would be in the area. By the end of Monday, we'd discovered he knew who hit him; over the course of Wednesday, Todd put a blackmail plot in motion, the police got CCTV footage, they matched a paint fleck on the car to Todd's jeans, and they arrested David. Then Todd said "never mind, total mistake, it was someone else" to the police and they let David go and we heard no more about it, to the extent that David and Shona weren't even in Friday's episodes. It was fast and stupid and carried an air of desperation that I don't think was deliberate.

Special shout-out to Craig for managing to plumb all-new depths in uselessness as he actually apologised before he arrested David. You know how you can avoid the embarrassment of arresting friends and neighbours, Craig? Stop patrolling the area where you live, a policy which I believe is in place in literally every single other police force in the United Kingdom, for good reason. Alina also called him personally to grass up Fiz, and he was present to arrest her with DS Straighthair; that's Fiz who is the sister of Chesney, who he used to live with.

Gratitude is appreciated. Ok, how did the conversation between Daniel and Denise in Wednesday's episode go?

"Hi Daniel. Do you want a house?"

"Thanks mum."

"Cool."

And then Daniel wandered over to the bar and ordered some pork scratchings. At least pretend to be overwhelmed, Daniel. He said "hmm, guess I'll rent it out" to Paul and then never mentioned it again. You're sharing a two bedroom flat with an ex-con, Daniel. At the very least flog it and use it as a deposit on somewhere decent. Not that I want you to move out of your flat with Paul, because I like your weird alpha-omega relationship, but let's be realistic.

His new acquisition (has Denise won the lottery? Has she married Robbie Fowler? How does she have a HOUSE to give away? Never mind) attracted the attention of Daisy, who remains a deeply unpleasant humanoid. She immediately placed her vagina on the bar of the Rovers and offered it to Daniel because she's not even slightly subtle. This is why she went to Speed Daal and tried to wind up Alya, and also why her Chicken Keema was 84% saliva.

House prices are dropping. I know Red Bank has come along and stolen a lot of its thunder, what with flashy lawyer Adam Barlow setting up home there with Sarah-Lou and (possibly) Harry, but Victoria Court is, theoretically, still the posh bit of this part of Weatherfield. So I can only the imagine the delight on the faces of the residents' association when Billy set up a soup kitchen in their garage bay. Still, you go where the need is, and let's face it, you can't move on the Street for homeless people. There's that bloke who apparently used to beg outside the tram stop and died - whose funeral collection Todd stole from, apparently without any consequences - and... that's it. Even Homeless Carol has been packed off back into the Plot Cupboard. I get that there are restrictions on location filming in these Covid times but couldn't they at least have set up the soup kitchen on a bit of waste ground round the back of the studio - somewhere where it wasn't incredibly jarring?

Billy spent about half an hour shouting abuse at Todd, because the concept of forgiveness hasn't reached this particular archdeacon. It should be noted that Todd was nursing broken ribs and covered in bruises and Billy didn't mention it once, adding credence to my earlier theories that the hit and run storyline really wasn't planned. He then assigned Todd the job of cleaning up the toilets in the community centre, a particularly unpleasant job as the community centre has been closed and abandoned for at least a year. There was probably a sycamore growing out of the lavatory bowl.

It's a seller's market. A bored Leanne and Nicky decided to make a bid for the Bistro, despite Debbie seeming perfectly happy there. (While they were at dinner, Leanne casually mentioned that Simon passed some of his exams - is he still joining the Navy now he's 18?) They put in an offer via the medium of "bid written on a napkin"; this is the traditional method used when the scriptwriters have no idea how much a bistro is worth. Debbie - who has given no inclination that she even wants to sell the Bistro - responded with an outrageous counter offer on the basis that Leanne and Nicky were clearly desperate to buy. Even I know that's a really stupid way to try and buy a business, and I get anxiety attacks negotiating with plumbers. The Battersby-Tilsleys seem confident that they will win the day, based on their experience; meanwhile I'm left wondering who's answering Imran's phones these days. No wonder he always looks so stressed.

This week's Corrie was so stupid I couldn't find even one positive thing to say about it so if you didn't like this blog post send me a message on Twitter @merseytart and I'll block you.