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Monday 17 March 2008

Coronation Street Weekly Update, March 17 2008

Greetings and welcome to another weekly update. This week the update is looking forward to the long Easter weekend where it plans to sit on the sofa eating chocolate eggs and watching re-runs of Brigadoon for four days straight. And so, without any further ado, here we go with this week’s Coronation Street update.

If you’re sitting there reading the update this week and you’ve got a couple of spare grand in your pocket or are looking for something worthwhile to spend your life savings on, then my friend, why not invest in some property on the cobbles? You could, if you so wished, buy 40% of Underworld as Liam’s share is up for offers and the pizza place in the precinct is going cheap for sixty grand. And Leanne’s a girl who’s always up for offers.

Let’s go first to the factory where Eyeball Tony the Catalogue Man (and I apologise to viewers in Canada who haven’t yet seen him but when they do, will truly understand) offered to buy Liam’s share in ladies’ pants. Liam’s keeping a tight gusset on things at the minute, but he’s tempted, you can tell. Does Eyeball Tony really have designs on lingerie or does he want to control Carla Connor? My money’s on the latter.

When he gathered Carla’s family round and menaced “Marry Me” across the table to Carla, it wasn’t a question, it was a command. Carla wavered until she saw the size of the ring bling and then she caved in to Tony’s Northern rock shock. I nicked that Northern rock thing from one of the tabloids after I saw it this week and I liked it a lot. See, I always credit my sources.

We travel now a short distance from pants to parmesan as we go to the pizza place in the precinct where business is bad. Cashflow is tight and Leanne’s thinking of selling. She gets a man in who makes her an offer she can’t refuse while Dev embarrasses the wonderful Amber in her new job as waitress. He’s aghast that a daughter of his can demean herself to work for buttons in the service industry when there’s a perfectly good corner shop counter she can stand behind all day.

Elsewhere this week, the big news was that Gail ended up in t’hospital after she was pushed, yes pushed, ladies and gentlemen, down the stairs by David’s fair hand. It all started when Jason got the wrong end of the stick and heard Audrey and Gail talking about abortion. He assumed it was Sarah who’d had an abortion and went to see Gail, all guns blazing. She slapped him for his impertinence, and a good slap it was too, rating 8.5 out of 10 on the Corrie slap-o-meter but still coming short of the classic Sally Webster / Nastily Horrid slapper slap. It was such a good slap I whizzed the thing on the remote control and watched it again, twice. Anyway, Jason left Gail’s house with her handprint on his cheek while listening in at the back door was David, putting two and two together about abortions and babies and he realised that it was Tina who’d aborted their child. After a row with Gail at the top of the stairs, (her: “I did it because I love you!”, him: “I hate you!”) David reached out to confront Gail and she ended up falling down the stairs and into intensive care. She’s concussed, confused, and doesn’t remember anything after the row with Jason, which doesn’t bode well for young Mr Grimshaw. Did someone just ask for a picture of Jason without his shirt? No? What the heck, let’s have one anyway.

David broke up with his girlfriend Tina this week but only for a while. He really needs to keep that girlfriend, now he’s got the word Tina etched into his arm. Either that, or he could embellish it a bit if they ever did split up, maybe changing the tattoo into cortina or even gratination. But I don’t suppose tattooists get much call for either of those words in their line of work.

Over at Underworld, Kelly was caught knicking the knickers but Wiki was sacked. Ah, you see, they’re clever these Connor’s. They knew Kelly was the thief but they also knew that if they confronted her she’d deny all so they sacked Wiki, Kelly came to her rescue, owned up to the thefts and got a slap on the wrist.

Meanwhile, Kirk goes to visit Chesney who’s with the foster family, the wifey of which answers the door to Schmeichel and Kirk. “I’ve come to see Chesney,” Kirk reports at the door. “Oh, you must be…” she falters, wondering who on earth the gormless lump at her front door with a dog the size of a small horse could possibly be. “I’m his Kirk.” says Kirk, proudly. “I’m his Schmeichel,” the dog didn’t say.

Over at the Rovers, Michelle’s mardy when she finds out that Ryan wants to get in touch with his real dad, Nick. She gets all uppity about it and is not best pleased but you can’t blame the lad, not after he’s had Richard Ashcroft from the Verve trying to take over his life during the last few weeks.

Also in the Rovers, Vernon’s got plans. Not content with masterminding the revamp, he’s now planning the Smoker’s Secret, a backyard hideaway for a quiet puff. Make of that what you will, I’m saying nowt. And background music of the week in the Rovers was the newly released and downright awful version of Echo Beach, originally released by the fab Martha and the Muffins and now used as a god-awful theme tune for a dreadful ITV soap. I had to mention that bit ‘cos it set my teeth on edge. Agh! I’m going to have to YouTube the original version now, just to get that awful thing out of my head. You know when All Saints released that version of Under the Bridge? It’s almost, just almost, quite as bad as that.

And that’s just about that for this week.

Coronation Street writers this week were Mark Burt, Debbie Oates, Jayne Hollinson, Martin Allen and Joe Turner

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