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Monday 10 March 2008

Coronation Street Weekly Update, March 10 2008

Greetings and welcome to another weekly update. This week the update comes sneezing and wheezing with a bad cold, a hot toddy and a Lemsip. Atishoo. And so without any further ado, here we go with this week’s Coronation Street update while listening to the new Duffy CD.

One of the pitfalls of having the builders in is having the builders in. And the builders are in on Coronation Street as the new Victoria Street development gets flung up off the cobbles to reach into the slate-grey Weatherfield sky. If the builders aren’t in the caff flirting with Becky and drinking strong tea with five sugars in then they’re whistling and singing at all hours of the morning and really, just really, getting on Leanne’s nerves. So much so that she yells at one of them as she passes him on the cobbles, because she’s so fed up, and it didn’t half make me laugh. In the Rovers they’re wearing their high-vis jackets and hard hats, flirting with Lauren which makes Darryl see red. A fight ensues and a pint is flung which makes Liam see red when Lauren whips off her wet top to reveal a red push-up bra that he takes a professional interest in. It’s a knock-off knockers-holder (as opposed to a Noddy Holder who was a singer with Slade) and Kelly’s been flogging them at her knickers party under the label Chic Bird.

When Eyeball Tony the Catalogue Man suggested a nine month development plan to Carla Connor, she didn’t think babies but she did think commitment. His eyeballs headed northwards to the Victoria Street flats as they pointed out a penthouse for her pleasure.

In the caff, a Rover returned when Roy came back from Africa with a giraffe under his arm. It was the rainy season in Mozambique, said Roy, before giving High Fives to the Roy’s Rolls team of bacon-butty-Becky and coffee-croissant-Ken.

Over at Elliott & Son, Ashley had to set poor Kirkeh free as selling sweetmeats and pork pies wasn’t making enough cash to keep them both behind the counter. Chesney does his best to help Kirk find a new job and Claire pops round to see how Kirkeh’s getting on but she’s appalled at what she finds. There are mouse traps on the carpet, the washing machine’s leaked, there’s nowt to eat in the fridge, no clean clothes, Chesney’s been skiving off school and Kirk’s on the dole. Does Claire offer to help out her neighbours and wait until Fiz comes back from her jollies so she can look after her little brother? No she bleedin’ well doesn’t and reports Kirk to Social Services instead. There’s a tap at the door and Chesney answers. “I’m Andy Partridge,” says a strange man to Ches, “from…" “XTC?” I quipped from the sofa, “Social Services,” he said. Shame really. If it had been the lead singer Andy Partridge from XTC he could have sung Making Plans for Chesney. After a tearful farewell hug to Schmeicel (have you ever seen a Great Dane cry?), Chesney’s whisked into care quicker than you can say “darn you, interfering busybody from across the street with your long strawberry blonde swirly hair” and Kirk’s left alone and upset in the house with only the mice as mates. Fortunately for Kirk, they all get on quite well. However, when Kirk finds out that Chesney’s been taken into care, it’s all systems go as the task force swoops in. Squadron Leader Roy takes to the phones while Lieutenant Becky’s ready to tear the head off the person who dobbed to the SS. Chesney’s been taken to Neil and Marjorie’s house for a few days foster care while Schmeichel has been taken away in a white van, possibly to a butcher shop on Rosamund Street.

Now then, Gail thinks she’s doing the right thing helping Tina come to a decision over whether to have David’s baby or not. When Tina suggests she might have an abortion, not only does Gail not deter her but she offers to pay for it too. Tina says she’s been reading about babies, how they’re just a collection of cells at that stage, the size of a peanut. “I can get rid of a peanut,” she says, “But I’d have trouble with a strawberry.” Wait nine months Tina and you can give birth to a watermelon. She decides to go through with the abortion and colludes with Gail that the news will be kept from David. It’ll end in tears, just wait and see. Best line of the week went to Gail when David said he was trying to get gig tickets to see The Foals. “The Foals?” she said, trying to be trendy, “Is it that trash mental music?”

Gail tells everything to Audrey, whose highlight of the week was a Victory Roll in the salon. No dear, that’s not a new sandwich from Roy’s Rolls, it’s a hairdo. She’s got beer-belly Bill on a diet, but he needs his pint and pies to give him the strength to cope with Jason moping after Sarah who won’t give him her Italian phone number. Did I just hear someone say let's have a picture of Jason Grimshaw with his top off? No? What the heck, let's have one anyway.

Over at the Rovers, Michelle wasn’t best pleased.

As she waved a teary goodbye to Alex, was I the only one who thought her infatuation with him was just a little bizarre? She saw in Alex her dead husband Dean and there was a hint, just a hint, that there could have been more than maternal affection going on. It’s been nicely played out and I hope the story has now been laid to rest. With Alex back with his own mum, Ryan resumes his rightful place on the sofa in the Rovers back room playing with his XBox and fiddling with his joystick.

Meanwhile, the sale of Jack’s house went through which makes Tyrone and Molly new owners of No. 9. Molly tells Jack that nothing will change and he can still eat his breakfast in his vest if he wants to. Oh, he wants to all right. He is, after all, No. 6 in the top 10 of international vest wearers. Never mind his vest, it's his pants Molly should worry about.

Elsewhere, over at Voldemort’s, the pizza place in the precinct, Leanne and Paul are having problems. As well as having the most wonderful stroppy waiter in the north-west working for them in the shape of Luigi who serves up sarcasm with the wine list, they’ve got cashflow problems. They then decide to take on a new waitress in the shape of the wonderful Amber who turns up for her interview with her questions listed in priority order: “What’s the uniform like?”

And finally this week, Paul was forced to pay back the money owed to Dan the bookie man. Clad only in his Superman under-crackers, Paul was stripped of his assets and his clothes as Dan called in the debt and sent Paul back to No. 9 with a sheepish grin on his face and his manhood in despairing underwear. Dan decided to celebrate with a meal at Valandro’s and wasted no time in chatting up owner and proprietor, Miss Leanne Battersby, eligible divorcee of the parish and a bit of a go-er, she of the escort agency, as was. If you cast your mind back, Dan the bookie man was looking for someone to wear white stiletto shoes while he seduced them. Some girls are born to wear white stiletto shoes and Leanne Battersby is definitely one of them.

And that’s just about that for this week.

Coronation Street writers this week were Jan McVerry, Julie Jones, Jonathan Harvey, Mark Wadlow and Chris Fewtrell.

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