Yes, we're back, for one night only! My mum came round for Christmas Day and, as a result, I ended up watching Corrie for the first time in months (although, full disclosure, my mum prefaced the showing with "I don't know why I bother, it's rubbish now"). Obviously as a fervent follower of the Coronation Street Blog and a listener to The Talk Of The Street I was still aware of roughly what was happening, but this was the first time I'd actually laid eyes on an episode for ages. So here's a Five Things Christmas Special, except it's one of the rubbish Christmas Specials, like the Only Fools and Horses ones they did after they ended the series: overlong, half as funny, and making you wish they'd left things alone with a nice neat ending instead of dragging it back up again.
It's CHRIIIISSSSTTTMAAAS!!! Corrie Christmas Day specials go one of two ways: either it's a heartwarming cavalcade of niceness or it's a relentless murderfest. Fortunately this year it was the first type so we didn't have to watch Rita get her brains blown out across her Christmas pudding or something. The show opened with a montage of everyone's Christmas mornings, which allowed us to effectively rank the households and decide whose we'd like to end up at. The Winters-Brown household looks cosy enough, with everyone in their identical jim-jams, until you realise that there are only three quads present. Meanwhile the adults all look suspiciously relaxed for Christmas morning. My only conclusion is that poor Aled is being used as slave labour and is currently chained to the oven slashing crosses into the bottom of Brussels Sprouts while all his siblings lark about with their new presents. I cannot support child exploitation so that's number 5 ruled out.
The Websters looks fine, a bit boring. They'll all be making a fuss of little Alfie's first Christmas and ignoring Jack, which could be awkward, but since he's about 37 that's not much of a bother. He'll be sat in front of his X-Box with a pint of bitter and a few Hamlets so he'll be fine.
The best option for me would be the Platts. David and Gail looked like they were having a right old time of it, Max was less sulky than usual, and Shona was buried under a lovely warm blanket that covered her stomach for some reason. It looked warm and cosy and since Nicky was once again dragging everyone round to the Bistro for lunch, there wasn't even any cooking to bother with. That'll do. I'll be expecting my invite for next year, David, thanks, unless it's one of the murdery episodes in which case I won't bother.
Today's all about you, sweetheart. Weddings are, of course, pretty dull for the guests at the best of times. You're basically there to be extras in the photos - crowds to highlight how popular the bride and groom are. Holding a wedding on Christmas Day is even more self-centred because you're not only making a public holiday all about you, you're also ruining the festive season for everyone else. They're sat there in a tie and collar being shuffled around when they could be in a pair of joggers inhaling Quality Street in front of Strictly. On top of all this selfishness, Tyrone decided to have a surprise wedding and not tell the bride. You know who else tried to organise a surprise wedding, Ty? Alan Bradley. Exactly.
Unsurprisingly it all went wrong and Fiz left the family home to get a turkey. For some reason, she decided to go to Derbyshire to get it. At least that's what it looked like, unless this is a previously unseen corner of the Red Rec. The car broke down, which is totally feasible when it is owned by an actual mechanic with his own garage, and so Fiz was forced to accept the kindness of a strange old man with a white beard and a red suit.
The two of them wandered off to find a phone box, because of course Fiz had forgotten her mobile, because it's 2022 and the writers still haven't worked out a way to get round that very simple plot spoiler. It's left at home, run out of battery, or no signal; scriptwriters must really hate Barry Vodafone for inventing the mobile. She could've asked one of the many joggers or walkers who passed them if she could use their phone but she was too busy bonding with the gentle twinkly stranger. Was he Santa? Was it a Christmas miracle? Who could say? (No, it wasn't).
Incidentally I'm pleased to see that despite being a murderer, a swindler, and having both the fragrant Jenny Bradley AND Paula Wilcox on the go, Stephen is still less interesting than the King's Speech. Has he murdered his ex-wife with the accent yet?
If you like it then you should've put a ring on it. Tyrone and Fiz weren't the only one to have marital shenanigans on Christmas Day, as Daniel proposed to Daisy as well. (I bet Fiz was thrilled to have her thunder stolen). This came shortly after Daisy experienced a cancer scare, just as Sinead before her did. To have one fiancé with a life threatening illness is happenstance; to have two seems a bit fetishy. Mind, Daisy got the all clear and Daniel didn't withdraw the proposal so he must love her for her. Or he's sick of looking after Bertie on his own and needs someone else to take the damn kid to nursery for once.
Daniel's original ring was stolen in a robbery at number one - I presume they stole Tracy and Peter as well, because none of the rest of the extended Barlow clan made an appearance; Adam and Sarah-Lou weren't at the Platt dinner or the Barlows so they obviously couldn't be bothered with any of them - so Ken provided a ring of his own for the proposal. He didn't say where it was from but I hope it's the one he tried to propose to Denise with all those years ago when she told him to get lost. There'd be a nice full circle to that. Now we're going to get Daisy planning a wedding which will no doubt be an absolute nightmare. I hope you've got deep pockets, Dan.
Bury your loved ones. After George bought Eileen a funeral for her present last year, this year he dressed up a coffin as a sofa and presented her with that. In 2023 he'll probably just smash her over the head with a spade and shove her into an open grave. I'm not sure why they thought an open coffin could pass as a sofa, given that the very second Eileen tried to sit on it their subterfuge collapsed. I guess it was "comedy"? I wasn't amused, though I will say that's some lovely woodwork on that coffin. Top drawer craftsmanship.
I haven't been swung back to watching the show, I'm afraid; too much nonsense, not enough fun. Tell me what I'm missing over on Twitter @merseytart.
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12 comments:
Rubbish Christmas unbelievable story and where does Gemma get all those matching outfits when they cannot earn much and so many people staying in the 2 up 2 down houses
Speaking of Alfie and Jaxk,who was looking after them while Debbie,Abi and Kevin were at Tyrone's and Fiz's wedding?
Since it was hinted that Phil could return,I think it's likely that Fiz will be the one to cheat and demanding that Tyrone and Ruby move out of the house so Phil could move in.
I fear for Ruby too as I think she'll be neglected by her father and stepmother as they will favor Hope.
Didn’t Ken mention that the engagement ring belonged to his mother’s sister?
jack and alfie were at the wedding, just in the background
Don't go, Scott. We miss you!
Aled is there. He has a cochlear implant.
Like you I haven’t watched the programme in months. Took a sabbatical this time last year and returned only briefly during a Maureen Lipman mini season. I glance at the daily updates, looking for your wit and wisdom so this one-off return has belatedly made my Christmas and confirmed my belief that, unless there’s a super disaster to wipe out 75% of the cast Corrie is irretrievable.
Welcome back scott. Made me laugh about jack webster, oldest looking 12 year old ever
COME BACK!!!!!
YES PLEASE COME BACK SCOTT! We miss your wit and wisdom!
This post was just fab.
It cheered me and made me chuckle.
I loved this year's Corrie at Xmas.
Ty and fizz's wedding was pure joy and even though me and hubby guessed about the doll's house sofa, it was great to see Daniel with yet another proposal and the Xmas market still trading on Boxing day.
It's strange how Billy, as a C of E archdeacon, didn't make an appearance (he was playing the piano and belting out carols last year) though and why were Sally and Tim at Yasmeen's?
I loved all the Eileen scenes and Stephen's lies. It's good to see that Audrey had probably bought him a new jacket for Xmas.
I would have liked to see Steve and Tracey, plus Carla and Peter but hey, the cast need a break.
PLEASE COME BACK!
Thankyou Thankyou Thankyou!!
So happy to be reading this even if it's just a one time thing....my favourite thing on the Corrie Blog!
Happy New Year to all!
I have missed Five Things much more than I've missed the show! Great to see you back, even if it's just a one-off!
I tuned in to Christmas Day, hoping that maybe I'd feel inspired to tune back in permanently. Unfortunately the opposite happened. It felt more like a sitcom than a soap, and not a good sitcom at that. Coffins as Christmas presents, so-called 'Chris Chringle' helping Fiz to her wedding. Are we meant to be taking this seriously?
What's frustrating is that I do believe somewhere under the shit, a good show is struggling to get out. I'd honestly forgotten how many characters I like that are still in it. I got a chuckle out of Mary's innendo-laden lines. It was nice to see Maureen Lipman, and Ken and Rita, Audrey and Gail, the old guard. I think Daisy has potential. I like what I've seen of Max and David (although I think it could be written much better, and I'm not sure about the far-right stuff). I don't think the show is beyond hope, but a new producer and far less episodes are in order. Doubt ITV will listen on that last one though.
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