It's so wrong it's right. I've said this before, but one of my very favourite things to happen in a soap opera is when real-life events intervene and totally destroy all their carefully laid plans. An actor gets sick, or their contract ends, or some real life event overshadows everything, and suddenly there's a whirl of reshoots and hasty rewrites and it's often gleefully insane. Think of when Kym Marsh's pregnancy meant she had to leave the show for a while, so Maria - for some reason - decided to be a top businesswoman so she could take her place in the storyline. Or how Billy Walker refused to renew his contract, so his fiance Deirdre married Ray Langton instead, because they were determined to marry her off to someone. Or how Madeline McCann's disappearance meant they had to scrap a storyline where Freddie Peacock was kidnapped from a fire at number 4, leading to extensive reshoots on the refurbished set, meaning the staircase in that house swapped sides for no apparent reason. It's a fly-by-the-seat-of-the-pants nuttiness and I can't get enough of it.
So you can imagine how thrilled I was with this week's episodes, as the first post-Covid sequences were slotted into the show. It lead to some brilliantly ridiculous moments. Everyone's hair, for starters: Simon's mop looks difficult enough to wrestle with at the best of times, but after three months without a barber it was a nightmare. Imran went from his usual suave locks to a badly grown out crop, and the less said about Nicky Tilsley's grey the better. Even more fun was the social distancing. Characters stood two metres away from each other at all times, meaning that most of the scenes in Victoria Court looked like they were being played out on a chess board: a character could only move over here if a different one moved over there, and if Toyah and Nicky both moved behind the hob at the same time they castled. Emotional scenes of reconciliation were played out over the length of entire sets with acres of space in between them, giving everything an epic feel, like Coronation Street was suddenly being shot in Cinerama.
It was a shame, because Jane Danson was giving her all in every scene (she's probably had that script since February; I bet she knows it better than her wedding vows by now) but they were all missing that button at the end with an emotional punch. She needed to hug Simon and she needed to kiss Nick for their making up to feel complete, and social distancing means that can't happen. I'm sure it'll get better over time, but for now it's hilarious, and I can't wait to see how it continues. For starters, they can't have any kids on set, so I'd love to know how this Oliver storyline will develop. Either they're going to kill him quick to get him out of the way or Leanne is going to have a lot of gut-wrenching emotional scenes crouched over a Cabbage Patch Doll.
Catch yourself on. Wimbledon may have been cancelled this year, but in our house it sounded like the quarter-finals from the early 2000s, because we were constantly shouting "COME ON TIM!" at the screen. Watching Tim very, very slowly come to the conclusion that his dad may not be a saint is painful; it's like explaining quantum physics to a dachshund. The eyes are moving, they know you're saying something important, but they just can't make the necessary leaps to understand. Finding Geoff talking to Sally like he'd just wiped her off the sole of his shoe put a seed of doubt in his mind; this lasted right up until he talked to Faye, who revealed that she quite liked her granddad and he was nice to her. Powerful stuff. I wonder what it'll take for Tim to finally let the scales fall from his eyes? Right now I can only think some kind of divine intervention, with the Angel Gabriel actually floating down to the Street from the heavens to say to Tim "I mean, how thick are you?"
Elsewhere Fiz and Tyrone took time out from their two-hour lunchbreak to tell Geoff they were on his side. I understand that Ty may see parallels with his own circumstances. He was, after all, beaten by his partner and people didn't believe that a woman would commit domestic violence. However, he seems to have forgotten the other part of that storyline, where Kirsty pretended to be the victim and he was banged up for a crime he didn't commit. Nothing wrong with a helpful dose of scepticism, Tyrone.
Money makes the world go round. Yes, Gary and Laura are still in this programme. I could do with them two having a bit of social distancing - the sort where she's confined to her home and we don't have to see anything of this tedious plotline. This week she turned up and demanded more money and Gary looked shifty and blah blah blah, you know the score by now, there's been a variation on this scene every other week for the past year. The only interesting part was when Gary pulled this bit of paper out of his desk drawer:
Firstly, I'd forgotten Gary owned Underworld. I say forgotten, I mean, "put it out of my mind". The machinations of who owns what on that Street are never worth watching no matter how many times they return to the well. (Remember when Ray got Kevin to sign the garage over to him? What was that all about?) Secondly, whoever drafted that prop can't spell "tenant" - I'm guessing they're a big Doctor Who fan and got confused. Unless it's deliberate, and legal whizz Adam Barlow is able to render the entire contract null and void because of that error. In which case, well played.
Maureen Lipman is the best. Pretty sure I've used that as a "thing" before, but it bears repeating. Maureen Lipman can do no wrong. In Wednesday's episode she had a two-minute scene where she phoned Arthur - just her in the back room, nobody else, no cuts to other actors. Just Evelyn talking, and it was compelling and funny and tender all at once. There are only a few actors on Corrie who could be relied upon to deliver a monologue like that, but given her years of experience in one-woman shows, it was a walk in the park for Maureen.
Not that she isn't great with other actors of course. Her hesitant romance with Arthur is touching, and her continued sparring with Roy is always brilliant - I loved her disappointment at getting a single brandy, and then, having drunk it, she demanded he buy her the other half. I don't want Roy and Evelyn to become a romantic couple; I like them as friends and confidantes. But if that's the way they want to go, I can't really complain about Maureen Lipman and David Neilson getting more screentime.
Paint him like one of your French girls. Resident artist Nina once again took time out from serving to sketch the locals, this time alighting on Adam Barlow for inspiration. She produced a very well-executed drawing, though I can't help noticing that while Adam is sat there in a suit and tie, the one in her drawing seems to be wearing a lot less. In fact he doesn't seem to be wearing any clothes at all. It seems she's really letting her imagination run wild, and frankly who can blame her? The clientele of that cafe isn't exactly bursting with ideal subjects for nudes. Yes, the human body is a beautiful thing, and the naked form is nothing to be ashamed of, but if it was a choice between Adam Barlow smouldering over a cappuccino and Brian Packham burping out his egg bap I can see why she went with the former. I'm sure Nina, being a professional, was anatomically accurate; there's probably a second page of that drawing that folds out from the bottom but they can't show it before nine o'clock. If you want to send it to me instead Nina feel free to DM me on Twitter.
I know I should've given the Baileys a mention for appearing this week in a storyline that wasn't in any way important, but Grace may be the least interesting character on the show - and this is a show that includes Ken Barlow - so I couldn't bring myself to pay it much attention. Usual complaints to me on Twitter @merseytart.
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