Cosy crimes and gritty sagas by Corrie Blog editor Glenda, published by Headline. Click pic below!

Tuesday 29 March 2011

Fat Brenda's Cream Horn

One question: What the flamin' hell did Janice slip into Trev's drink? I've seen some strange things in me time but Trev and Janice? Beauty and the flamin' Beast more like! I'm a bit annoyed at Janice actually loveys cos she told me if she ever left Weatherfield she 'd give me her fleece with the horses on! It's proper classy is that!

Jim (how about yee) McDonald has returned to the cobbles with his lovely mop of grey hair to try and find a resolution between Steve, Becky and Liz like an Irish Kofi Annan. I'll be honest loveys, I don't think anybody could resolve that situation so they couldn't!
Cheryl's been lording it up over everyone again. This time it's cos her Russ is supposed to be some sort of genius who needs extra lessons to unlock his potential! When I was at school I was always described as 'special' and had to have extra lessons with all the other 'special children'. I didn't tell Cheryl that though, she'd have only been jealous! I remember the teacher saying, 'Brenda, yer a bit special you are. Why don't you spend this lesson sat on yer own in the corridor colouring in a picture of a Roman.' Happiest days of yer life apparently loveys!
Kevin has become suddenly more attractive since winning two hundred grand! Me friend Bernice was right over there telling him she needed a servicing, he didn't take the bait loveys, he just got his log-book out and told her he didn't need to look under the bonnet to see she was a write off! Poor Bernice! I tried to entice him meself by sexily smoking a Dunhill outside his garage but he moved me along muttering summat about health and safety!
Lock up yer daughters (or he will), hide yer hammers and hold onto yer angina spray cos John's back on the cobbles!! Let's hope the first thing he does is stop Fiz speaking in that funny voice she's had since Hope was born. She's starting to remind me of Gail with her fella denial and whispering!
I saw Chesney stealing some furniture out of a skip for his and Katie's flat bless him. If I owned a dog like Schmeichel I wouldn't bother with furniture I'd just sit on him, sleep on him and eat off him! He's flamin' big enough! He's a furry walking multi-purpose transforming furniture wonder! The only thing I wouldn't use him for is a shower loveys... that would be wrong...
Have you ever wondered what a walking orange looks like loveys? I have and I have to say I didn't expect it to be Tommy Duckworth! He's back and he's wearing more fake tan than Tina, David and Katie Price put together. Just seeing him for one minute damaged me retinas and rendered me blind! Tyrone only asked him to stay so he could cut down on the electricity bill by basking in the eerie glow of Tommy's Fake Bake Beyond Bronze Self Tan Spray (£20.42 at Superdrug loveys - it's like liquid Wotsits!)
Tommy has only been here a day and he's upset Kevin and been accused of homophobia by Sophie! She's homophobia mad that one! She accused me once just cos I'd drawn a fake moustache on a picture of Sandi Toksvig in one of me magazines! Touchy or what?!
See you later loveys!
Tweeter me if you want!


Sea Penguin said...

haha! first thing I said when I spotted Tommy was "crikey - he's orange!" Liked Carla's line about the Krankie's tribute act as well.

Fat Brenda said...

It was a blinder!

Looney Baloon said...

When did Scowly Sophie get her job back in the shop? . She seems to have gone to the Colonel Gadaffi school of charm. She and her father are two peas in a pod, she ought to check for a monobrow!

Sea Penguin said...

I'm liking Kevin's attitude just now! "you looking for a slap?"

mister_tmg said...

This is the highlight of the week for me, Brenda lovey! But don't you miss Jim's tash?

Anonymous said...

Oh Fat Brenda, I wait with anticipation for your blog but then depressed when I'm finished because I have to wait again for the next one.....I love them so! Thought it was only me who found Fizz's voice had changed with Hope's birth plus the ever so slight widening of that front tooth gap........most irritating.


Anonymous said...

I thought Sophie was at her sarcastic best with Rosie and the money!

hotpot hettie said...

I have to agree Janice and Trevor are a bit of an odd couple. What I'd like to know is how she could just up and leave when five minutes earlier, she was completely broke. Money just seems to appear from thin air on Corrie. lol

Great blog as usual Brenda.


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