Fat Brenda's Brand Spanking New Cream Horn

Poor Steve, is he not suffering enough loveys? If you prick him, does he not flamin' bleed? If you tickle him, does he not laugh? If you poison him, does he not die? Well loveys, the answer to all those questions is YES but that's got nowt to do with it, I just wanted to show off how brainy I am with some Shakeyspeare quotes.

Becky's monthly self-loathing meltdown was belting last night though and her walking around with Reggae Reggae sauce dripping down her face was a sight to behold. I mean loveys, has she not got a hankie to wipe her chin? She's like an animal!

She kicked out Liz who was so distraught she went to Eileen's house! You know it's serious when yer looking to Grimshaw for comfort! Did you know that Liz's clothes are so skimpy that when Becky chucked 'em in the puddle she was actually carrying over four hundred and twenty-seven separate items of clothing! And if I know Liz, that was probably the best wash they've had in months! I'm not casting aspersions about Liz's cleanliness loveys but someone should tell her it takes more than a bottle of febreze to clean a thong!

Becky's rampage was mild next to some of the wild nights me and me friend Bernice have had. Everybody's woken up with a traffic cone in their bed but we woke up with traffic warden in the cellar, but that's another story.

When is Steve gonna sort himself out? He's jeopardised our jobs at Streetcars and he's gonna lose that flamin' pub if he's not careful. He's lost his daughter, he's upset his mum, lost his best friends and to top it all off he's still married to Becky! And just how much did Becky spend getting leathered at the pub?! We all know she can drink so for her to get that legless must have cost over fifty flamin' quid!

Me favourite moment of the week has to be Cheryl not getting her hands on Sally's house! She thinks she's Laurence Llewelyn flamin' Bowen that Cheryl, 'oooh nobody has fitted carpets anymore.' They flamin' do lovey, it's just that you've worked in strip clubs all yer life and they NEVER have carpets, they're too hard to clean what with the stubborn stains! Shocking!

I see Xin and Graeme are going to be sharing their big day with David and Kylie - Weatherfield's answer to Kate Middleton and Prince William - so that's sure to be a belting day with everything running like clockwork! As if! Would you like to know an interesting fact loveys? No? Well have this fact instead then: Kylie means boomerang! It all makes sense now dunnit loveys, we're never gonna get flamin' rid no matter how hard we throw her!

Isn't it nice we have such lovely fellas on the cobbles nowadays loveys; Owen, Nick, David and of course the winners of this week's weirdo awards; Jeff and Frank! At least Peter's back and I have to be honest and say I punched the air in delight when they called for a taxi to bring 'em back from the airport!

Carla Connor nearly lost Underworld for the twenty-third time this week. Now loveys, I flamin' love Carla, she's always popping in for a natter and we're quite close now she's banned from driving and taxiing everywhere but I have me doubts about her business sense. I know from doing me Avon orders that it's a cut-throat world out there and you should never employ yer mates especially when those mates are the sister of yer dead husband and yer dead lover or have been tied up by yer dead second husband who was annoyed you had an affair with that same woman's dead husband who he also had killed... you don't have to be Alan Sugar to see that!

Anyhow, I'm off. Laters potatoes!

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