Five Things We Learned In Corrie This Week

Crime DOES pay.  Two weeks after it began, the Ryan Restaurant Robbery storyline is seemingly over, with a grand total of zero consequences.  Debbie got all the money back from the safe.  The insurance company didn't pay out, but also didn't prosecute.  Ryan got community service, which may as well have been a slap on the wrist.  Nicky and Leanne forgave him his crimes and let him be head waiter.  He was even drinking in the Rovers, only a few days after Jenny threw him out on his ear.  So the question must be asked: what was the point of all that then?  It wasn't interesting, it wasn't clever (oh boy it wasn't clever), it simply occupied some television space for a fortnight then went away.  Maybe they had a proper storyline planned and everyone in it got Covid so they asked the work experience kid to come up with a replacement.

All the problems that were there at the start of the storyline are still there.  Debbie's still hugely short of cash with a business on the brink.  Ryan is still bored and aimless and in debt.  The only thing that's changed is we've learned there's a back alley to the Bistro, which is odd, considering it's in a railway arch that used to be a through road to Jubilee Terrace.  Still, at least they've remembered Debbie and Ryan exist, so there's less chance of them wandering off and never being seen again (RIP Moira, we hardly knew ye).

Camp it up.  Oh my lord.  Glenda Shuttleworth.  What a delight.  Now I will admit, right before we start, that I was already a fan of La Prenj.  I watched every week of I'd Do Anything, and I was firmly Team Jodie throughout.  And while Pirate Jessie may have gone on to an Oscar nomination, an Olivier Award, and general critical acclaim, my heart will always belong to Jodie, infuriating Cameron Mackintosh with her popularity and forcing Andrew Lloyd Webber to bring out an actual 19th Century census on British Saturday night telly in an effort to put the kibosh on her inevitable win.  It wasn't really a question of if she'd turn up in Corrie someday, more when, and I'm delighted that in a handful of appearances Glenda has managed to be everything I ever wanted.  Brassy and camp and charming and fun, effortlessly sliding into the Street, managing to convince as the brother of George and showing bags of chemistry with the always delightful Tony Maudsley (even if, for some reason, she doesn't have a Scouse accent).  

  

Pairing her with Mary though?  In her first week?  Incredible.  New levels of incandescent brilliance.  Suddenly Mary has a friend who is as bonkers as her, the two of them whipping each other into circles of insanity together, marauding through dental surgeries in a desperate bid to get two homosexuals together.  This combination is so potent, so powerful, it actually made Sean a tolerable character.  I KNOW.  Admittedly it was very much a halo effect - when Sean was in a scene without the 21st Century Rosemary and Thyme he was as annoying as ever - but I'll gladly welcome it.  Put Mary and Glenda in a flat decorated like a bordello together and give them a parade of boyfriends and comedy shenanigans.  I will watch every minute of it.

Stay away for your own sake.  I'm baffled by the thought process at ITV HQ that says "let's bring back these old characters... but make them awful!"  Get people tuning in for a nice little nostalgia-fest then absolutely wee all over it and make them regret ever turning their telly on.  Imagine if the last episode of Neighbours had seen Scott and Charlene ride up in their Mini and blow Ramsay Street to pieces with a bazooka (no, actually scrub that, that sounds quite cool).  Apparently they've learned nothing from the disaster of bringing Sharon Gaskell back to the show after twenty odd years to turn her into Ma Baker; now other characters are also returning to be awful.  Spider was barely out of bed with Toyah before he was hissing into a mobile phone to some secret person, which means he's probably got a wife and eight kids floating around somewhere in Nuneaton and he's going to break Toyah's heart.  It'll be horrible and unpleasant and makes you wonder why they bother.  Could he not just be nice?

Meanwhile Stephen, in his bid to be interesting, seems to be broke and using some unknown wife's credit cards to fund his lavish lifestyle until presumably he gets his hands on Audrey's cash.  There's really no need for it.  Audrey's suffering enough without Stephen turning out to be a wrong 'un, though with any luck this will be the thing that reminds her Gail isn't so awful after all.  It does make you wonder what's in store for Wendy Crozier.  Surely they haven't brought her out of the plot cupboard just for a storyline about forgiveness and late in life companionship - she's probably going to turn out to be a suicide bomber or Suella Braverman's policy advisor or DB Cooper or something equally horrific.  

Cut and run. I'll admit it - I've never really taken to Stu.  This is mainly based on the fact that he won't stop singing.  I can't relax when constantly worried someone's going to whip out a guitar and launch into Mull of Kintyre.  However, the revelation that he served 27 years for a murder he didn't commit seems... insane.  It's so bonkers it's impossible to take seriously.  At first I thought he was covering for his daughter, that this was him honourably taking the blame to protect his underage child who did something awful that would ruin her life.  That might at least have been an interesting character twist and kept his general air of being a Decent Bloke.  Instead he seems to have been set up by a bent copper for no real reason at all, which is plainly stupid.  Stu told a story of torture and abuse and starvation that sounded like he was being waterboarded in Guantanamo Bay rather than a Manchester police station.  None of this is suitable for Corrie; I don't want innocent waitresses being brutally slaughtered and left in woods at half eight of a Wednesday night.  Save that for the new series of Unforgiven.  (I would also appreciate it if they could stop referring to the poor victim as being "covered" with Stu's DNA, because that raises a lot of unpleasant images I really don't want to have to deal with.)  It was so ridiculously over the top that it immediately became dull and uninteresting, and if the next few weeks see Zeedan and Alya pulling on their detective hats to solve this cold case, I'm going to be very bored.  

You never know what's around the corner.  Craig turned up at the factory even though he doesn't work at the factory (© The Talk Of The Street) because he'd been dealing with a drunk and disorderly in Balaclava Terrace.  Sally was incensed that someone would be hammered mid-morning though she thought that was perfectly normal for that area of town.  This raises the idea that for all the murderers, rapists, robberies and punch ups on Coronation Street, Balaclava Terrace is even worse.  It's hard to believe but it's apparently true.  Perhaps in an alternate universe there are people settling down to an evening watching Balaclava Terrace, a three times weekly soap opera that is basically an orgy of ultraviolence and sex that would make your eyes bleed.  The residents murder and destroy for an hour every other weeknight, only occasionally pausing to wish they weren't trapped in this hellhole and were in the relative calm and serenity of Coronation Street round the corner.  In fact there's probably another universe where the soap is Grasmere Drive, which is about the very quiet and calm and ordinary lives of the residents of a boring suburban street.  Nothing happens to anyone there, ever, apart from that mad hairdresser at number 5 whose life is an unending drama.  I'm basically suggesting a Coronation Street Cinematic Universe, and at the rate ITV is filling the schedules with soaps, it's entirely possible this will happen by 2025, and the light channel will be showing nothing but the antics of various Weatherfield neighbourhoods on a 24/7 basis.

The author is finding this show really hard work at the moment and might give up watching.  If someone at ITV is reading this, please send me pictures of Ryan in his pants to @merseytart to remind me why I should carry on.

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