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Monday 11 August 2008

Coronation Street Weekly Update, August 11 2008

Greetings and welcome to another weekly wotsit of wonder. This week the update’s popping atcha through the letter box of life, knocking at your virtual front door and begging to come in and have a cuppa. (That’s quite enough of that, Ed). And so, without any further ado, here we go with this week’s Coronation Street update.

In the Barlows’ this week, it was hard to tell the difference between Eccles and Ken. Both were lying around the house, unwashed, unshaven, unloved. Neither had eaten or taken fresh air. Each felt neglected and both had a beard. But wait, what was that? Ah yes, Eccles has bigger balls than Ken Barlow would ever have, and Eccles, my friend, is a bitch. Mind you, so is Blanche when the mood hits her right and it was partly her fault that Ken let himself go. His novel had caught Blanche’s attention and she started casting her beady eye over it before casting aspersions. Who was this dashing hero she was reading all about, the one trapped by his background and bad choice in wool cardis? She read on, engrossed, to discover the heroine of the piece. Once upon a time she was a pert bottomed goddess (but then, weren’t we all?) and now Ken’s written her up as a chain-smoking fishwife who condemns our hero to a marriage of misery and a fag-breath life.

Blanche can only cast aspersions, well, she plays to her strengths and tells Deirdre she needs to read the novel too, it’s like a badly typed version of Deirdre’s own life and “gives off a self-satisfied hum”, she says. Deirdre reads Ken’s novel and she’s upset, confused and pulls a sickie from work. Work? She hasn’t been in to Weatherfield Council for so long I’m surprised she’s still on the payroll. Mind you, she’ll still be on the coffee club rota. There’ll be a stern faced secretary with a face like a disappointed Tuesday who’ll be keeping tabs on that rota, just you mark my words. Anyway my loves, Deirdre and Ken battle it out at their dining room table, he admits he’s disappointed with his life, with their house and yes, with her too.

Deirdre growled at Ken.

Ken yawned back at Deirdre.

And then Deirdre slapped Ken hard across the chops before heading off to Eileen’s for a mug full of white wine. While Deirdre’s out, Ken thinks on and by the time she’s returned, he’s burned his novel in the backyard, cremated his creation and tells his missus he’s ready to embrace mediocrity. Which is more, much more, than Deirdre’s ready for yet. Bring back Mike Baldwin for her, that’s all I say. Oh no, wait, we can’t, he’s dead. Ah what the heck, bring him back anyway, he’s probably got more life in him than Ken Barlow will ever have.

Over in the salon, Audrey has a light bulb moment. “An epiphany,” says Ted, putting posh words into her tiny mind when she makes a decision not to let Bill back into her life. Ted tries to play matchmaker and tells Bill to take chocolates and flowers and tickets for the opera. Bill Webster does his best. Chocolates he can do, flowers he can buy but when he presents two tickets to Carmen for him and Audrey, she knows he’s been put up to it by someone else. If Bill had his way it’d be two cod and chips with two pints on a big night out, and I say there’s nowt wrong with that, but then, I’m not Audrey Roberts. She wants a bit more romance in her life, a bit of schmooze, someone she can manipulate just like she did to her Alfeh. Bill tells her all this in no uncertain terms and it’s a truth she’s not happy to hear. Still, it doesn’t stop her from accepting Ted’s offer to go to th’opera with him instead of Bill. Could Audrey Roberts be Corrie’s first fag hag?

In the Morton household, Theresa pulverises too much of Jerry’s heart medication and pops it into his food. She wants Jerry to think he can’t live without her when he’ll no doubt take ill again as she knows that she’s overstayed her welcome. Then again, haven’t they all? I’d still love Darryl to stay, he’s brill. I like him so much, I just want to pat him on the head every time he comes on screen.

Now then, I’m all for Gail Platt being happy. If having a new man in her life puts a smile on her face then good on her, that’s what I say, but please, gawd please, stop the woman from simpering. Scraped fingernails down a blackboard I can take. Spiders in the bath? I care not a jot. Wet cotton wool I can just about (almost) take but the simpering of Gail sends the hairs on the back of my hands, sorry, back of my neck into a spasm and I feel physically sick. Yes, Tina’s dad Joe has a thing for Gail Platt. What sort of a thing, well, we haven’t yet seen but if it turns up in the bedroom at No. 8 Coronation Street and she simpers when she sees it, I might just have to throw summat at the telly. And why aren’t her man-alarm bells ringing? With her track record in choosing the wrong man, surely she’d have devised a questionnaire by now to give to new suitors, to fill in with green pen.

Q1. Have you ever, or do you intend to, drive fully clothed, in a car, head first into the canal?
Q2. How many people have you killed?
Delete as applicable: 0-5 / Less than 10 / 50+
Q3. Are you a stark staring loony?
Delete as applicable: Yes / No / Depends on the voices
Q4. Do you have a religious maniac mother called Ivy who’ll undermine me every day?
Q5. Are you liable to run off with a 16 year old neighbour?
Q6. Will you be hanging around outside of discos getting into fights, wearing a bad suit and a mullett?

Anyway, they’re going bowling. It’ll only end in tears.

And the reason they’ve agreed to go bowling is to get Tina and David back together. They’ve fallen out after Tina gave David the heave-ho when she found out he’d hacked into her email account. Tina turns up for work at the shop in a strop and serves kebabs with a cob on while demented David stalks her from the Street.

Anyway, they’re going bowling. It’ll only end in tears.

And finally this week, Jed Stone (aka Sunny Jim) returned to Coronation Street after 42 years. Cast your mind back, if you will, and you might remember Jed Stone as the son that Minnie Caldwell never had. He’s now an old man, living alone in a terraced house and Tony Gordon wants him out. Tony Gordon starts menacing Jed Stone, wanting him to move out so that his plans for world domination can continue unabated. Yes, the evil empire of Tony Gordon starts small, he plans it slowly but determined, one terraced street at a time. Will Jed turn up on the cobbles begging for help from his old pals? And who will remember him from the old days? Possible Rita, Betty, Emily and Ken - if he ever recovers from his creative crisis.

Five things we learned in Corrie this week.

1. Eileen likes the word “boff”
2. Ryan’s back from holiday but no-one knows where he’s been
3. Sophie Webster’s still missing in action
4. Amy Barlow’s not very good at crying
5. Ken Barlow in a beard is not a good look

And that’s just about that for this week.

Coronation Street writers this week were Damon Rochefort, Chris Fewtrell, Jan McVerry, Lucy Gannon and David Lane.

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