Coronation Street Weekly Update, August 4 2008

Greetings, fellow pop pickers and welcome to another weekly update. Yes, this week’s update has been freshly scraped from the cobbles and comes at you hot, steaming and in a big pile. It’ll do wonders for your roses if you take it home in a bucket. And so, without any further ado, here we go with this week’s Coronation Street update.

Ken starts work editing his novel as Blanche and Deirdre eye him from the kitchen, wondering what’s going on behind the eyes of the man in a cardi at their living room table. It’s called Sunday Afternoon is Ken’s book. “You were conceived on a Sunday afternoon,” Blanche tells Deirdre in that way mothers have of giving daughters too much information. Well, they didn’t have Sky+ in those days and car boot sales hadn’t been invented so there was little else to do, I suppose.

Dev and Amber were wonderful this week as dad and daughter played dictionary shuttlecock across the corner shop counter. Amber commenced with Ameliorate and Dev delivered Ergo. Not to be outdone, Amber returned with Pretentious but Dev wrapped it up with Facetious. I think that’s the snotty version of Facebook. Instead of giving people a poke, you just throw them a look, roll your eyes and then tut.

Anyway, Dev’s trying to give someone a poke of his own and ex-Bollywood actress Nina Adani isn’t complaining. Nina is the wife of Dev’s new business pal Prem who’s big in floor coverings. (I did the shag pile joke last week). Nina was Dev’s wet dream when he were a lad and he can’t believe his luck on meeting Nina at last after seeing her movie 88 times. Yes, 88 times. He comes over all giddy and has a bit of a moment in the golf club as he recounts this. Nina’s over the moon to meet Dev, not least because she’s flattered that someone remembers her as a Bollywood beauty instead of the Cheshire set housewife she’s become. Prem and Nina try to set Dev up with their accountant Lisa, she’s a big lass in a frock. But Dev’s only got eyes for Nina and she’s willing to play away from Prem and double up with Dev. Amber knows there’s summat up, she’s not daft that one. She spies her dad leaving for lunch with Lisa the big lass then spies him again as he rolls home in an open top Jag with his Bollywood barmcake. I spy trouble ahead, not least because of the way Nina bit into Dev’s Cox’s Pippin but also because Amber is now holding Dev to his promise that they’re moving on up in the world and into one of Tony Gordon’s flats in the sky. Or maybe Amber can keep Dev’s feet on the ground?

David hacks into Tina’s email account to discover she’s been emailing her old flame Matt. He reads Tina’s emails to Matt which are on the whole quite generous about David who’s pleased to read that his girlfriend thinks that he’s cool. But he’s a little perturbed to read that she’d like him to be more spontaneous and so he cooks up a plan. He lays rose petals along the floor and up the stairs to the bathroom which he’s lit with candles and more petals. Ah, that is so sweet and romantic. Meanwhile, Ted gets all dolled up in his best bib and tucker and heads out for a night on the town. “Got a date?” asks Tina. “No,” replies Ted. “Just a night with a fag hag I haven’t seen for ages.” What? Margi Clarke’s back already?

In the Rovers, Liz pretends not to care, Harry the bookie pretends not to notice and Clarissa Mason ended up getting thrown out onto the Street by her hair. Yes, another Corrie catfight on the cobbles although if anyone had dragged me out of a pub by my hair I’d have put her windows through with a brick. Clarissa just takes it in her stride, clearly a woman used to being thrown out of pubs, and gets Liz to put her most expensive bottle of bubbly on ice so she can celebrate with Harry who’s supposed to have been to the solicitor to stop their impending divorce. Only he hasn’t, he was sidetracked, in that way that men like Harry Mason can get. The bubbly explodes all over Clarissa’s cleavage which leads me to say, ladies and gentlemen, that there’s too much cleavage on Corrie these days and nowhere near enough man totty.

And no, Jason Grimshaw semi-nekkid doesn’t count, not when you’re a lady of a certain age, like, er, me. Bring back Spider, that’s what I say, etc.

Elsewhere this week, Audrey and Bill with Roger and Janice set off in a people-carrier for a weekend of cheap beer a la France. But their booze cruise turned into a bruise cruise when Audrey crashed the car after she’d taken her eyes off the road while she was arguing with Janice and Bill. Mind you, she’d already taken the wrong turn, distracted by her passengers doing Edith Piaf impersonations in the back of the car.

Audrey’s well cheesed off and after the crash she has to have her arm put in a sling before she slings Bill out. Corrie missed a trick here. Bill could have warned Audrey she’d regret her actions and Audrey could have gone all Facetious.com and replied in the best Edith Piaf of her own: “Non, Bill Webster, je ne regrette rien.”

Talking about the Webster’s, there’s trouble in store for Kevin when Streetcars cancel their contract with the garage after Lloyd’s offered a better deal elsewhere. Kev finds out that the elsewhere is in the pay of one Mister Tony Gordon and he rails at Sally and Rosie about the injustice in the world. It’s news at which Rosie shakes her cleavage and Sally puts the beans on for tea, supporting Team Kev all the way.

And finally, over at the Morton’s it’s all pointless stuff about Jerry’s ailing health. This is going to keep chuddering towards its clunky climax which will eventually get rid of the lot of them (anyone want to start a petition to save Darryl?). Jerry’s seen mowing the lawn – even though there’s proof that there’s no green grass on the Street – and barbecuing in the backyard while Theresa does her best to hang onto a storyline by her gritted teeth.

Five things we learned in Corrie this week.

1. Tina McIntyre once had a dog called Susan.
2. The most expensive bottle of champagne in the Rovers is £26
3. Liz McDonald is Lily Savage’s mother
4. Aunty Pam shows Tyrone how to speculate to accumulate
5. There’s an awful lot of loose change down the back of Jack’s sofa (see 4 above)

And that’s just about that for this week.

Coronation Street writers this week were Jonathan Harvey, Martin Allen, Martin Sterling and Jayne Hollinson.

Glenda
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