I've been inundated by emails from Canada today, all asking the same question: Who was the first person to die in Coronation Street? 
Yes, this was the week when Vera had her name in white carnations and pink roses with a pink silk trim, in the funeral car that took her body to the crem. It was another couple of very moving episodes and I think most of that is out of respect to Liz Dawn who played Vera, as the Corrie crew wave goodbye to one of their stalwarts on the Street. I don’t know about you, but I’d grown up with Vera Duckworth, she was part of my life. She was with me from when I first started watching Corrie when I were nowt but a kid and while she’s never been one of my favourite Corrie women, she’s just always Been There. And now she’s gone, and as we know that Liz Dawn is in ill-health, it adds a certain poignancy to Vera’s farewell on the Street.
Jack was in bits, as we’d expected and Terry turned up, which we didn’t. Terry looked like he’d stumbled onto the wrong soap with his loud whisprin’ voice and his big flat in Wolverhampton. He told Rita that he’s something big in mobile phones, just like Tetris - but no-one’s pleased to see him, unlike Tetris which can be quite fun. Most shocked to meet Terry was young Paul who finally came face to face with his dad after seven years and it took Jack to remind Terry that he was dad to the spawn of Clayton. I, along with probably half the British population, was expecting undertaker of the parish Archie Shuttleworth to be on duty at the death but it was a sub-standard affair. “Co-op,” sniffed Blanche with the air of one who knows. At the crematorium, Jack heaved himself out of his grief to say a few words about his little swamp duck, ending with the heartfelt “Thanks, Vera. Thankyou, love.” The music that marched the funeral party into the crem was Elvis’ Amazing Grace and Vera was shunted out to the sound of Ray Charles’ I Can’t Stop Loving You. If your eyes were still dry at this point, then you’re a table leg and I claim my five pounds. Although he was only on set for five minutes, Terry tried to persuade his old man not to sell the house to Tyrone (or as Terry’s always called him Tirroan) and Molly. Jack nodded his head and smiled nicely, even giving his son a goodbye hug before telling Tirroan, Molly and Paul that they were his family now and they’d all stick together, come what may. Although I do hear from the tabloid press that Paul might have other ideas...
Away from the big story of Vera’s funeral this week there was a lot of ess-ee-ex going on and some of it, was a little disturbing for a family show. Yes, if you saw the show, you’ll know that I mean the white stiletto story. Harry the bookie found a pair of white spiky heeled women’s shoes, the common sort, in son Dan’s bedroom and confronted him with them, wanting to know what he was doing with ladies’ shoes in the flat. Dan admitted that he’d been having aforementioned ess-ee-ex with a woman wearing the shoes when her mobile phone rang (or was she playing Tetris?) and her ex-husband wooed her back with the power of his mobile. Leaving Dan alone in his flat, she took off the white sillitoe shoes and left them with deflated Dan. Ever since, he told his dad, as you do about such things while having a drink in a pub with everyone listening, he’s been trying to get women to wear the white shoes while having it away sub-duvet with him. See what I mean? Very odd. When it all panned out it was really just a ploy to show how daft Dan is and how manipulative Harry could be of his son. But will Dan ever find a woman to wear the white shoes? Tune in to Sky Channel XXXX after midnight on weekends to discover more about the Street’s shoe fetish. Or then again, best not.
More sexy goings on could have taken place this week if only Tony and his eyeballs (eyeballs, dear) hadn’t turned up to ruin Liam and Carla having fun in Brum. Yes, Liam and Carla took off to Birmingham to join in a trade fair. Now then, I’ve never been to Birmingham but the place obviously has very good healing powers. Leaving the cobbles, Liam limped to the car. He limped across the street, he limped, he really did, his injuries from his fall in the Lake District causing him no end of grief. After a couple of hours on the motorway or however long it takes to drive from Manchester to Birmingham, he gets out of the car in Birmingham and Liam’s injuries, my friends, have gone, all gone. Never mind Lourdres, missus, if you want rid of that nasty rash, get yourself to the middle of the Bullring shopping centre now if you know what’s best. So, the two of them are in good and varied spirits and Liam’s in fine health in Birmingham where Carla’s only gone and booked them one room to share. They have a few drinks in the bar, do a bit of flirting, Carla’s cleavage speaks for itself, in stereo, and Liam’s transfixed. But before Carla can utter the immortal words “Take me now Liam, for even though I am your sister-in-law I am a wanton hussy and the best ess-ee-ex you’ll ever have this side of the Pennines”, in comes eyeball Tone from the catalogue to put a dampner on things. Liam drives home to spend the night with Maria and her pregnancy bump, lying that he’s returned home to be with her and not because Tony turned up to spoil his coupling with Carla.
Elsewhere, David was up in court and fined £300 for driving his car into the canal. He’ll also get points on his licence if he ever gets one and the whole experience has left Tina a bit worried. “I’ve never met anyone as bad as me before,” she tells Gail. Gail, you’ll remember is the mother of young David who’s own storyline has ended and she now sulks in the Rovers with her mother of an evening hugging a half of lager of lime and a bag of pork scratchings to her chest and rolling her eyes to the heavens. She’s taken to leaving condoms around the house for David to find, with hastily delivered words telling her son to be careful. Little does she know that David and Tina have already used her double bed for their ess-ee-ex sessions, which is more action than Gail’s bed has seen since 1986.
Thea Brine is the talented illustrator who's work appears in The Guardian's Guide magazine alongside Grace Dent's fab World of Lather column each month.
Sunderland AFC player Keiran Richardson vs Corrie's cabby Lloyd Mullaney.
Never mind Carla Connor's designer gear, what about some Corrie cast off clothes from eBay, by 'eck?
EastEnders are creating TV history, it says here, by having one character feature in a single episode. Now then, I'm no fan of EE but may well tune in just to see how it's done.
How much do you know about Vera Duckworth? If you think you know your Vera, then think again with this fiendishly tricky quiz right here.
Now then, I’ve been looking forward to killing off Vera in the update. I don’t mean that in a macabre sort of way but in the years of writing the weekly update, Vera’s death is possibly the biggest storyline that’s been covered. There have been other deaths - like Mike Baldwin’s - but Vera passing to the other side (and I don’t mean the BBC) must surely rank up there as the biggest story the weekly updates have covered. Old cynic that I am, I didn’t think Vera dying would affect me as much as it did. We’ve known for months that the actress who plays Vera, Liz Dawn, was seriously ill and leaving the show. We’ve known for months that Vera would be killed off and so I ignored the text messages all day Friday last week from people who know me too well, asking if I’d stocked up on hankies to wave Vera ta-ra. So while Vera’s death wasn’t an earth-shattering, shocking story from the Soap world, it was Jack’s grief and the way he handled the death of his wife after 50 years of marriage that choked me to tears. The tears started again on Saturday morning when I read a fab review of Vera’s dying episode in The Guardian by Nancy Banks-Smith, my most favourite soap writer, a woman who knows her Corrie history and is always spot on.
But let’s backtrack a little for those who might not know how Vera pops her clogs on the cobbles. The Duckies had their move to Blackpool all planned. They’d bought a new house, measured up for curtains and agreed the sale of their home to Tyrone and Molly. Everything looked good, everything was planned. But when Jack went to the Rovers for a pint, leaving Vera home alone, he returned to find her dead in her favourite chair. Her heart had given out and she’d slipped away with her slippers on. Bill Tarmey as Jack played an absolute blinder and as the realisation of Vera’s death sank in, Jack sang to his little duck egg: “If you were the only girl in the world, and I were the only boy…” his voice trailing off as the grief proved too much. And when Jack went out to have a word with his pigeons he cooed love words to the birds that he’d never said to Vera and wished that he had. When word spread of Vera’s death, Tyrone and Molly were in bits and Paul too. He’d even taken an old black and white photo of his grandparents and had it framed, where it now takes pride of place in the Duckies – well, make that now Jack’s - living room. Clad only in his vest and trousers, Jack takes in callers and cards as the locals come to pay their respects. 
Unable to deal with thinking about the funeral just yet, Jack takes to the Rovers for a pint and then heads home to clear his head. He starts making a list, putting words to paper of things Vera would have wanted at her funeral, a clear sign he was ready to prepare for the next step. And that, dear readers, will be all here next week when the weekly update brings you the funeral and son Terry’s return.
Up in Janice’s flat this week Wiki held a knicker party, selling off Kropp branded gear. Why women who work knicker-stitching during the day would want to go to a party where one of them is selling knickers at night is beyond me, but they’re a strange breed, these knicker-stitching girls. Wiki had fun at the party but seemed to be the only one who did. Mind you, you get the feeling that Wiki is the sort of woman that could have a fun day out with nothing more than a paper bag and a long piece of string, if she put her mind to it.
And finally this week, Carla ups her game to woo tall, dark, handsome, thick Liam and tempts him away to a trade fair in Birmingham. The minx has booked them a double room instead of the two singles they’d agreed on. I wonder if they’ll be offered a Brummy kipper tie?
If you're overseas and want to know how you can watch Coronation Street online, then have a look here.
I have now cast my latest Corrie pod at The Soap Show website. You can listen to me in all my glory right here. But only if you'd like to.
Cast your mind back, if you will, to last week and the Lake District and Liam in hospital after falling from the fell. He makes a speedy recovery, as injured people are wont to do in a soap when they’re needed for a script change on t’other side of the Pennines, and Liam limps over the cobbles on crutches. Maria doesn’t want Carla to know that loverboy’s back in town and lies to her while trying on wedding dresses in town. But Carla’s out for a spot of lunch with catalogue Tony “my knight in shining Armani”, the one with the weird staring eyes, and spies Maria through the window of the wedding frock shop. There’s an altercation, as you can imagine, the likes of which the Vincent Malone Bridal Boutique has never seen before and Maria does her best to warn Carla from chasing her Liam. “Stay away from me, yer vile cow,” says Maria but let’s be honest, she’s in a no-win situation. Maria’s like a cuddly hamster facing up to the robo-rottweiler that goes by the name of Ms Connor. Carla pulls out all the stops when she finds out Liam’s back on the Street and cooks him a bacon, sausage and cheeky cheese casserole just like his Irish mammy used to make. “You’d best buckle up love,” Carla warns Maria. “You’re in for a bumpy ride.” One of the best lines of the week came from Michelle when Maria told her she’d brought the wedding forward to next month. “If there are cracks in your relationship, you can’t paper over them with confetti,” she said. Ooh, I liked that one a lot.
From one side of the Connor clan to the other, less exciting side. Indeed, it’s to the side that sucks the life out of my telly screen whenever they appear as Michelle and Ryan tremble in the back room the pub over Nick the stalker and the terrible truth. “You’ll always be my baby,” Michelle tells the boy who isn’t her son. Poor Ryan, finding out the truth made him miss his own 16th birthday party in the back room of the pub and his mates Tommo, Phil, Monster and Ig had turned up for the bash too. Tupperware bowls full of beef flavoured crisps with the stench of the inside of a dog’s kennel sat untouched as the boys left Ryan and Michelle to cry on the sofa.
Over in the Duckies, Jack and Vera had an offer accepted on the house of their dreams at number 42 Pemberton Gardens Blackpool. Better still, they found a buyer for their own house when Molly and Tyrone offered them the asking price. As the Duckies started to pack up their boxes, Molly and Tyrone told Paul he could stay on as lodger if he wanted as long as he paid rent. But, dear readers, the Duckies won’t be going anywhere as Veronica Duckworth (née Burton), yes that’s Vera to you and me, will pop her clogs and die in next week’s update. Better buy that big box of hankies right now, in fact, if you want to start crying it’d be a good idea to start about Tuesday.
Meanwhile, Kevin was in a suit for his day in court after beating up John Stape on the cobbles. Afraid he’s going to be sent down for a long stretch he tells Sally where the stopcock is in case she should need it while he’s gone. And Sally might need to stopcock after all as Kev was sent down to the big house for 28 days although he’ll probably only serve 14 and come back with a suntan. In some wonderful scenes, Rita took up the mantle of Sally’s mentor and mother for a much needed heart-to-heart over the teapot at the kitchen table. Rita even helped sort out Rosie and Sophie from beating each other to a pulp. Dev had some sage words for Sally when he heard about Kevin in jail. “I dunno…” he said, “… you get someone in to teach you English Lit and your life turns into a Shakespearean tragedy.” Forsooth.
Yes, this was the week when Corrie’s star crossed lovers Liam and Maria – ah, what the heck, let’s get up close and personal and nickname them LiaMaria – headed on holiday to the Lake District. Now, if only they’d read the newspapers this week they’d have known not to travel to the Lakes, not to climb the mountains and not to stray off the paths. The Lakes at the moment are a dangerous place to be with one man in the know telling the posh papers this week that even experienced climbers would do well to stay in’t pub and have another pint of real ale and a Cumberland ring rather than take to the heights because of the worst snow he’s seen in years. However, not having combined access to the brain cells to check a weather forecast never mind a storm warning, 
LiaMaria don their funky new waterproofs, aka anoraks, and head off to the peaks with Ozzy the dog. As Maria headed to the hills there was a distinct lack of nuns but I think I was getting confused with a film I had seen over Christmas. While the hills were alive, will Liam be in the same condition by the end of this update?
Speaking of the minx, Rosie returned to School this week to smirks from Amber at the bus stop. Amber told Rosie that she’d heard that John Stape had been fired from his teaching job and was now only allowed to work at an all-boy school, full of ugly boys. Even sister Sophie got in a few jibes, calling her older sister a “home-wrecking, teach-loving tart.” I love lines like that, don’t you? 
Over in the Rovers, Michelle proved what a dab hand she is at wearing the carpet thin by walking backwards and forwards, chewing over her worries with a cup of tea in her hands. All she’s done for weeks is mope around and moan to anyone who’ll listen, usually Steve, that she doesn’t know what to do for the best over the stalker shenanigans. Steve’s so fed up listening to her whinge that his face has gone puffy. 
And finally this week, David Platt’s new girlfriend arrived. Well, viewers don’t yet know that she’s David’s girlfriend but we’ve read enough about her in Celeb-Dazzle-Glitz magazine or whatever it’s called to know that she’ll turn out to get very close to demon Dave. Her name’s Tina McIntyre and she’s done so well so far by managing to get on the wrong side of Gail in the health centre. More news on Tina next week, that’s if you don’t read it first in Celeb-Dazzle-Glitz. Available from newsagents all over the place. 
from Liz McDonald’s hen night in the Rovers Return. He was butch, big and black and might have had his boyfriend waiting for him in the back room of the pub but Commando Sam had the Street’s women in thrall. As Liz straddled the stripper, Vernon went off with the stags of the Street – er, Dev, Steve and Bill, for a night of Northern Soul at Rochdale Town Hall. And throughout all the wedding planning, the stag and hen shenanigans was Jim McDonald, lurking and biding his time, so he was, hoping to get back into Elizabeth’s good books and under her duvet. And he almost succeeded, almost. Confused about her feelings for her fellas, Liz was ready to call off the wedding to Vern and sent Deirdre ahead to the Register Office to tell everyone to go home. As Deirdre took on the task, Liz bumped into Jim in the back yard at the pub and all hell broke loose. Vernon overhead Jim telling Liz he wanted her back and still considered her to be his missus so he rushed outside to find out what was going on. And that, my friends, was Vernon’s mistake number one. Mistake number two was for Vernon’s wedding outfit to be white, yes all white, for white showed up the blood and gristle that Jim smashed out of Vernon’s skull when he gave him what for, as you knew he would the minute he set foot back on the Street. Not only did Jim beat up the groom, he also knocked out Bob the best man and did for Dev too. With a bloodied Vernon in her arms, Liz’s pity for the poor bloke changed her mind and she decided to go through with the wedding after all and told Steve to stop Deirdre from calling it all off. 
But she already had and the guests were ready to leave, full of gossip and wonder as to what had gone on. Steve turned up and ushered everyone back inside for the ceremony which left poor Deirdre’s head spinning, she didn’t know what was happening - and neither did Liz. With Vernon covered in blood and Liz in a right state, the pair of them were pronounced Mr and Mrs Tomlin as the newlyweds headed back to the Rovers to celebrate with champagne before the Street regulars celebrated the New Year with champagne and 250 vol-au-vents, made by Betty’s fair hands.
And so, as one couple tied the knot and Elizabeth Jane McDonald married feckless Vern, another Street regular set off for pastures new. Yes, this was the week when Sarah-Lou-Platt-Grimshaw left her newly wed husband for a new life overseas. Jason was ready to leave the Street with Sarah until she admitted she’d planted drugs on David. David had already tried to warn Jason about Sarah: “I’m telling you this,” David told Jason, “because you’re too thick to see it coming.” And so Jason let Sarah leave with Bethany as mother and daughter boarded the train (Engine No 323225) to Manchester airport to fly to Milan to start their new life. Back on the Street it didn’t take much to cheer up Jason when Becky started flirting. And as the twelve bells struck on New Years Eve, Becky had a smile on her face, a bottle of champagne in one hand and Jason Grimshaw in t’other. Gratuitous picture of Jason Grimshaw below.
Just when it couldn’t get any more confused, in walked Rosie with the pair of pyjamas in her hand and the penny dropped. And then it dropped again. A huge fight broke out (brilliant stuff!) and Sally slapped Rosie hard across the chops. Kev stormed out and beat up John on the cobbles, kicking him and doing him some serious harm. As Fiz stood and watched we shouted at the telly: “Kick him, Fiz! Kick him!” However, Kev’s kicking was so serious that he’s up in court later this month for assault - but with a clean record and no previous convictions, he’ll surely escape prison, won’t he?
Africa, but she seemed destined never to speak to her soulmate. Every time Roy tried to answer the phone, something would stop him from making the connection with Hayley. But finally, at the end of the dinner when everyone had left, the phone rang and Roy answered. As he sat down to wish his beloved a very Merry Christmas, the lights in the café dimmed and the credits started to roll. And I think I’d had too much sweet sherry at that point, as my eyes filled with tears right then.
