Put your past behind you. Kelly was thrilled with the location for the swanky hairdressing awards. "I've never been in a place this posh before!" she cooed. Well, yes you have Kelly, because that's the Chariot Square Hotel, the exact hotel where you tried to charge your mobile phone while you were homeless and ended up getting sexually harassed by a pervy businessman. They might've chucked a few ribbons on the chairs but it's clearly the same. Also, it's not posh, it's the actual pits.
All this excitement meant she missed out on being there when Laura finally passed away. I've already been vocal about my disappointment at them doing away with a good, sparky character like Laura, and worse, doing it through the medium of "sudden onset cancer that comes out of nowhere definitely incurable". So I'm not going to repeat myself. I will, however, note that her death means that Kelly joins Max, Summer, Nina and Jenny Bradley on the list of current characters in the show who lost both their parents before they left their teens.
For those of you keeping count, Nicky and Sarah-Louise, Ryan, Liam, Hope and Harry all lost their dad as children, while Peter, Kevin and Debbie, Simon, Adam, Aadi and Asha, Jack, Faye, Joseph, Ruby, Lily, Alya and Zeedan, Bertie, and Sam all lost their mother before they were 18. (Additionally, Jake's birth mother Tina was murdered). I think that's the lot, but I may have missed one or two. It's hard to keep track. Basically what I'm saying is: stop killing mums and dads, Corrie, because it's getting silly now.
At least it will cheer up Nicky. He may not be able to talk to Sam about chess, or space, or indeed anything that requires more than four braincells, but he's a true expert at letting his penis dictate his actions. He's got a lifetime of experience to share with his son.
Maybe rein in the appalling sexism though, Nicky.
Tyrone is a Hot Dad. Look, I'm just reporting the facts, ok? Ty spent much of the week biting his lip and pretending he was perfectly ok with his kids moving away from Coronation Street. I'm not really sure where Phill's new house is - apparently it's close enough for the girls to stay in school and Fiz to continue working at Underworld and for the walkie-talkies between Hope and Sam to still work but it's far enough away that it's a hassle to get to? It sounds lovely anyway, a proper period property with dado rails and big rooms. Let's hope Fiz decorates it a bit more tastefully than she did number 9, although the presence of that horrible peacock painting in the back of the van doesn't point to a sudden attack of minimalist chic.
Tyrone finally confessed to Fiz that he was anxious about her move as he didn't want to be a "weekend dad". Fiz showed a lot more restraint than I would; I'd have replied "maybe you should've thought about that before you diddled an Eastern European nail technician" and chucked his pint in his face. Instead she gracefully suggested an organised pattern of shared parenting. I'm mostly worried about who gets custody of Evelyn. I thought she was going to move in with Fiz, but she seemed to be abandoned in number 9. When that sells where will she go? Is she really going to share a bachelor pad with Tyrone? You can't expect her to climb the steps to the hairdresser flat every day.
Test twice to be sure. So it turns out Faye isn't pregnant after all. This came as no surprise to literally anyone watching as it's hard to believe Faye and Craig have ever kissed, much less had sex. I'm not sure what the opposite of screen chemistry is but these two have it in droves; if you told me that they filmed their scenes separately and then they spliced the footage together in a computer I'd absolutely believe you. And Craig, especially, is a completely non-sexual being - I'm not entirely sure he knows how to do it. He's probably putting it in her ear.
It was a week of humiliations for the pair. First Craig was coerced into singing Kiss Me Honey Honey Kiss Me, a performance so bad that Dame Shirley Bassey has instructed her lawyers to ban ITV from ever using her songs again. And then it turns out Faye can't work out whether she's having a baby or not. This follows on from Abi a few weeks ago, who also couldn't work out if she was having a baby or not; a decent gynaecologist would make a mint in Weatherfield. Faye reckoned the antihistamines might have interfered with her hormones, but it's entirely possible she found "peeing on a stick" too complicated and simply guessed what the result might be. She had to do an embarrassing tour of all the relatives apologising for getting their hopes up about a grandchild, though I expect Tim especially was secretly relieved. At least Craig got to return to the police force. The thing he was most excited about as he resumed his law enforcement duties? The sense of responsibility, the desire to make a change in the world, the joy of cracking open the skull of some beardy leftie protestor? No, Craig was really looking forward to the custard in the canteen. What a credit to the force he is.
The author is pleased to see that Gary Windass is a modern man who has no problem with doing the ironing. I've got some stuff that needs doing if you want to nip round, Gary. Contact me on Twitter @merseytart to discuss rates and also what you'll be wearing while you do it.
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