Billy is suffering the effects of the Friday night before. "It's been a long night," he says. Sure has, it's been 3 days! Billy talks about the need for subterfuge so people don't suspect what's going on, but if Billy did poison Paul, there'd be an autopsy wouldn't there? Anyway, Paul decides there's always something to hang on for and that he doesn't want to end his life and will let nature take its course and get some more scripts until it's panto season.
Deedee wants a vintage Cadillac for the wedding, but Joel says he can't afford it what with the divorce, alimony and paying for the teenager he groomed to go to Ireland. Maybe get a Weatherfield Wayfarer instead? "All I need for a perfect wedding day is you," says Deedee. And for Lauren not to turn up at the church with Joel's bay-bay. Joel brings his own baby round and Deedee gets all broody: "Any child would be blessed to have you as a dad," she tells him. Ooh, the dramatic irony! Lauren texts him about a leak in the flat and he goes round with Maeve, handing her to Lauren to hold. Lauren looks melty at Joel's parenting - all he needed to do to groom her is show he can look after a small child.
"You're going to do incredible things," Rowan tells his new favourite, Amy, to Leanne's chagrin who was used to being Rowan's number 1 victim recruit . I note that he hasn't bothered to try and recruit the mulleted millennial who runs the Bistro when the Battersby-Tilsleys are AWOL. I imagine she'd kick him into touch. Anyhoo, Amy's off to the retreat and Joel's scamming more money from Nick, telling him he won't go the police over the assault if he coughs up the extra £20K.
Kev and Abi find out that Jack knows about the deep fakes. Coincidentally, Stefan rings to arrange a ceasefire, to Abi and Kevin's confusion. Perhaps people have heard about the fakes and have stopped buying his magazines, they posit. Perhaps Abi and Kevin could just wait for the death of print media? Anyway it's a bait 'n' switch as slimy Stefan waits 'til they're out then comes around and, persuading Jack to go out for milk (how did he know Jack would be there? He might have been hanging out at the precinct, bullying Mason or something), Stefan nicks back his phone. Later, PC Tinker comes around to arrest Kevin on suspicion of burgling Chit Chat Towers. Worse is to come for the Stefan Brent House of Publishing as it's revealed that the building has been set on fire.
Beth involves Craigy in her evil deeds and gives him her knock off t-shirt money to keep hold of. Kirk then sees a "Rachel's 50th Birthday in Marbella" invite in Beth's work locker and interrogates her about it. My 50th was last year! And I went to Holborn, not Spain. Turns out that she's actually saving for a second attempt at a Beth 'n' Kirkeh wedding. I presume this is Beth's leaving storyline in which everyone, inc. Kirk, discovers her after hours activities and she's sacked and he dumps her. A shame Ms Tinker is leaving: she may have brought Craig onto the cobbles but she's also brought fun, a bit of spitefulness and a lot of cool '80s clobber.
Rachel Stevenson - on twitter
