Coronation Street Weekly Update, December 11 2007

Greetings and welcome to the return of the weekly updates. I’d like to say the updates are coming at you all new, revised and shiny but they’re not, it’s the same old, same old and for that, I hope you’re as happy as I. This first of the new batch of updates is dedicated to a lovely lady called Marian Franklin.

And so, it’s with a big smile and a happy heart, in an event more exciting than the Spice Girls reunion, that I can proudly say, without any further ado, here we go with this week’s Coronation Street update.

How good is it having big Jim back on the Street? It’s the same old Jim, with the same old catchphrases and with nothing better to do, a game of Jim Bingo goes down a treat. All you have to do is get your Jim bingo card and cross off a square every time the big man reels off one of his famous phrases in his beautiful Belfast accent.

After ‘catch yurself orn’ and ‘It’s good to be back, aye, so it is’ and double points every time he refers to prison as ‘the big house’ or calls his ex-wife by her Sunday name of Elizabeth, then you could be a winner - but you have to shout ‘Big House!’ to win. Having Jim back is a breath of fresh Northern Ireland air - or ‘norn iron’ as Jim would have said.

But what’s he doing sniffing around the Street? He’s come back to see his family but found out from Steve that Liz was engaged to feckless Vern. Will Jim lose that famous temper? Will he start another fight? And how long can it be before he asks for his favourite breakfast, the Ulster fry? “Yer lookin’ luvly, Elizabeth,” he told Liz when he bumped into his ex-missus on the Street. Four small words and none of them bad but all of them sent Liz rushing into the pub in panic, gasping for a fag to calm her nerves. It’s great to have Jim back, aye, so it is, even if it means that with him now working at Streetcars there’s even less chance of us seeing Fat Brenda on the switch. Best scene of the week was Jim in the Streetcars office making paper chain decorations with Eileen.

Over at Underworld, Kirk donned his suit with a mismatched tie to have a word with Liam about their Maria. He tried to give Liam some fatherly advice which didn’t really work but Liam got the message that if he messed with Maria, he’d have Kirk to deal with. Best think on, Liam. Catty Carla broke Maria’s baby news to the factory girls and so everyone knows that Maria’s in the pudding club, up the duff and with child. Wiki of Weatherfield once again hinted that she’s got history (it’s bound to catch up with her, these things always do) when she hinted at lady love in her past and tormented some tinsel at the factory.

New bookies Harry and Dan – Harry’s on the left, Dan’s on the right, just like Ant and Dec – clamped Lloyd’s car and threatened him to pay up his gambling debt. “I paid Stan!” Lloyd kept telling the Mason dad and lad. “Who the devil’s Stan?” I kept asking anyone who’d listen as another Corrie storyline took wings and – whoosh - flew out the window. Lloyd paid up his debts and Harry and Dan, new bookies of the parish, smirked in the snug.

David had another go at ruining Sarah's marriage this week. He sent saucy texts from Becky’s phone to Jason and from Jason’s phone to Becky. But it all fell wonderfully apart when Sarah demanded that Jason ring Becky to ask her what she was up to – and her phone started ringing from David’s pocket in the salon. Jason tried to throttle David at the backwash and, and then Sarah had a go too. And all in Audrey’s nicely decorated new salon complete with new paint, wallpaper and a set of French doors that were never there before.

The Duckies weren’t best pleased this week when Paul came clean about taking out a loan in granddad Jack’s name. Jack should have thumped him, or at least thrown him out. Instead, he covered for Paul by telling Vera that the equity from their house had been invested in the Italian restaurant in the precinct. Vera was heartbroken, her dreams of retiring to a bungalow in Blackpool were shattered. “You’re cut from the same cloth as your father,” griped Jack to Paul. Wouldn't that make Paul a Terry-cloth?

Ryan and the stalker story rumbled on with Michelle getting her tiny, shiny head in a tizz. I’m not really enjoying this story so in an effort to make it more interesting, I’ll make something up. The strange man in the blue car turned out to be the footballer Teddy Sheringham. Well, when Teddy realised he was in an episode of his favourite soap opera, he decided to quit football and join the bookies Harry and Dan as their door man and general ne’er do well, Teddy the Treble. Ah well, we can live in hope. In truth, or as truthful as a soap will ever be, the stalker in the blue car reckons he’s Ryan’s real dad and that Ryan was swapped at birth. That happened to me too. My mum tried to swap me at birth for a couple of hospital chairs but the matron wasn't keen. Shame really.

Over at the Platts, uncle Stephen arrived from Canada to spend Christmas with his dysfunctional family. Now then, before ten thousand Canadians write to me to tell me that Stephen’s accent is atrocious and that he’s American, not Canadian, I know this already. But it’s Christmas so let’s have a bit of hush and pretend. Stephen’s taken with David and there’s a friendship developing between uncle and nephew while ladies of a certain age breathed a sigh of relief that there’s some man eye-candy on the cobbles again.

And finally this week, Maria moved in with Liam, carrying her boxes filled with, oh, I’d imagine, ‘Hair-do’ magazines, and James Blunt CDs.

And that’s just about that for this week.

Glenda