Money for Old Rope

There's a new addition to the Coronation Street titles: the P for Product Placement.  After decades of commercial television, Ofcom has finally decided that the British can watch programmes with real products and the world won't end.

As usual though, we've been rubbish at it: the first paid-for item is a cash machine in Dev's shop. Only eccentric millionaires will rush out to buy one of those.  It's early days though: hopefully we'll soon reach the level of subtly inserted dialogue and products our American cousins have enjoyed for years, as you can see in this clip from Days of Our Lives:

To give the producers some ideas, here are five products that would fit right into the Street.  You're welcome.


Fish Fingers

Before they became a nympho and a lesbian, Rosie and Sophie's entire existence was based around the consumption of fish fingers.  They couldn't move more than five yards without Sally jamming a bright orange cod stick down their throat.  I was pleased to see this is a tradition continued to this day, with Max barely out of the hands of Social Services before Gail was offering him fish fingers.  However, with product placement, this could be taken further.  Junior members of the cast will only be able to eat fish fingers from now on.  Simon, Amy, Faye, all of them - whenever they're on screen, they'll have a pack of Birds Eye specials in their hand.  Even little Hope can have them mashed up and fed to her.  Ok, they might turn orange from all those artificial colourings, and they might get rickets through the lack of vegetables, but think of the revenues!

Sample dialogue:

Katie: Oh Chesney, I can't wait to finally give birth to this baby, especially since I seem to have been pregnant since the Labour government.  It will be such a thrill to feed him FISH FINGERS for the first time.
Chesney: BIRDS EYE FISH FINGERS?
Katie: Of course.  Only the best for our little ginger moppet.


Sweets

Unimaginative folks will restrict their product placement to shops and inside people's homes.  With the construction of the new set, an opportunity raises itself to get advertising into the very fabric of Coronation Street itself.  Each of the new cobbles can be painted a different colour, creating a rainbow effect which is not only visually pleasing (especially in HD) but also acts as a subtle reminder to the viewer that they need to stock up on sweets next time they're in Tesco's.

Sample dialogue:

Deirdre: I'm suprised you didn't object to the repainting of the cobbles, Ken.  It seems like the kind of thing you'd whine about.
Ken: Perhaps, but I'm all for something that looks like my favourite confectionery - SMARTIES.  Would you like one?
Deirdre:  Thank you.  Mmm, that's tasty.  Didn't they used to come in tubes?
Ken: Don't get me started.


Drugs

Let's be honest: poor Gail's had a hell of a life.  I'm surprised she can still get up in the morning, especially when she gets downstairs and finds David snarling at her across the breakfast table.  Wouldn't it make perfect sense for her to be on antidepressants?  They got such a bad press during the interminable Joe McIntyre storyline - it'd be good for the show to depict the upside of being smacked out of your head on a daily basis.

Sample dialogue:

Gail: Thanks to this PROZAC, I'm ready to face the world.  I'm happy, relaxed and up for anything.  More FISH FINGERS, Max?
(Enter Kylie)
Kylie: Guess what?  I'm pregnant.
(Gail takes some more PROZAC and laughs into the camera)


Music

The show already subtly features music in the background during scenes in the pub or the bistro.  Why not monetise this and have characters listen to the latest hits, all of which are currently available in the shops?  Think how much better an argument between Stella and Karl would be if Westlife's Greatest Hits drowned out some of the dialogue.  Or what an insight into the characters we'd get as they discussed their favourite tunes at length?

Sample dialogue:

Roy: I've decided to stop playing Radio 3, Hayley.  It's 2011 and I think the cafe should move with the times.  I've bought this new CD, only £8.99 from HMV.
Hayley: Of course you could have downloaded it from iTunes for £7.99.
Roy: Of course.  Shall I put it on?
(He does.  All dialogue ceases for three minutes while they and every customer in the cafe listen to the lead track from the album).
Hayley: Goodness that was entertaining.  I don't think I've ever enjoyed a piece of music more.  What did you say it was called again?
Roy: It was Mama Do The Humps, by Rizzle Kicks.  From the album Stereo Typical.
Hayley: Marvellous.

Clothing

Let's be honest: we all get a bit bored with the constant dialogue about knickers in Underworld.  It's all gussets here, lacy bras there, intricate stitching, blah blah blah.  I suspect the writers don't even put that stuff in their script; they just leave a gap and put Carla yaks on about fabric for a couple of minutes.  How much more interesting would it be if they were making stuff we cared about?  Stuff we could go out and buy in our local Arndale?

Sample dialogue:

Carla: Good news, everyone!  I've decided to bin making underwear.  I've got us a contract making clothes for TOP SHOP.
Julie: TOP SHOP?  But will we be up to the challenge of crafting their excellent fashion and maintaining their high standards?
Carla: Of course we can.  We can raise ourselves to TOP SHOP's levels.  Now get sewing this pleather boob tube Michelle is modelling and which will retail for £20.99.


Job done.  My cut is 10%, Mr Collinson.

Cougar Town

With the departure of Rula Lenska, and no sign of Stephanie Beacham’s return on the horizon, there’s a big 1970s sex kitten shaped hole in the Corrie cast.  We need a glamorous woman of a certain age - preferably with extremely large hair - to bring a touch of old-school fabulousness to the cobbles.  Audrey can’t carry all that weight on her own.

I’ve been evaluating their replacements and I can exclusively present the results of my findings.  I’ll be sending this dossier to Phil Collinson in the next post, together with my bill.

Kate O’Mara

Potential storyline: Carla Connor needs a new business partner, and in steps Kate as ballsy heroine Emmanuelle St Croix.  With her shoulder pads, take no prisoner attitudes and amazing hair, she has soon shaken up the factory and won Carla’s respect.  But then, over a few too many Pinot Noirs in the Rovers, she reveals her heartrending secret: the daughter she gave up for adoption all those years ago.  A daughter with a locket just like Carla’s....

Pros:  Soap opera veteran (Dynasty, Howard’s Way, erm, Triangle).  No-one can throw a glass of champagne in a suitor’s face while cackling with such aplomb.

Cons: Collinson may get confused about what show he's producing, and turn O'Mara into the Rani from Doctor Who.  

Britt Ekland

Potential storyline: Sophie and Sian are taken with a new inspirational nun at their church, Sister Inge Lindstrom.  This wise lady quickly wins their respect, and she comes to the Street to help spread the Good Word.  Which is where she runs into Dennis Tanner - who recognises her as Inge, the Swedish exchange student he squired many years ago before she took to the convent.  Can she remain true to her vow of chastity when confronted with her former love?

Pros: A former Bond Girl would add an undeniable dose of sex appeal.  Nuns make everything better.

Cons: Following extensive plastic surgery, Britt no longer resembles a human being.

Susan George

Potential storyline: Susie, the new barmaid at the Rovers, is a hit with all the fellas.  With her winning charm, warm smile and lack of brassiere she captures all their hearts and drives them wild with desire, while rebuffing all their advances.  Finally the men can take no more and, lead by Owen, they put the pub under siege while trying to break in and ravage the poor woman.  Only Steve McDonald can defend her honour...

Pros: Straw Dogs is a cult classic, so reusing the storyline wins cool points.  Would enable  Steve to grow a pair after his recent emasculations.

Cons: Difficult to portray rape and torture in 7:30 time slot.

Jaclyn Smith

Potential storyline: Mysterious American April Kincaid arrives on the Street, asking a lot of questions.  It transpires that she’s a private detective in search of the fabled Kinshasa diamond, which was stolen from California and smuggled to Weatherfield.  The Street’s residents plead ignorance - but what’s the secret behind the vase Emily just brought home from the charity shop..?

Pros: Could potentially lead to a spin off, Charlie’s Angels: UK, with Jaclyn, Mary and Rita as hard-boiled detectives.  Norris could play Bosley.

Cons: Impossible to shake the knowledge that we’d all much prefer Farrah Fawcett-Majors if she were still with us.

Pan’s People

Potential storyline: Anna Windass needs help maintaining her new trim figure, so she joins a dance class.  Soon she’s being schooled in the arts by the erstwhile Top of the Pops dancers, learning how to wag her finger at dogs, writhe in a bikini, and look amused by Jimmy Saville’s jokes.

Pros: Six sex kittens for the price of one.  Top of the Pops repeats on BBC Four mean they’re back in vogue.

Cons: Pausing for a three minute dance sequence set to Gilbert O’Sullivan in every episode would cause major timing issues.

The Shake n Vac Woman

Potential storyline: Corrie’s residents are entranced by the arrival of a new tenant in the flat above the taxi office.  She almost immediately gets a job cleaning the Rovers, where she captures their hearts with her unique style, joie de vivre, and ability to put the freshness back.  Before long, she’s caught the eye of Ken Barlow, and they embark on a torrid affair on the pine scented shag pile.

Pros: Glamour.  Dancing.  Singing.  A zesty scent every time you vacuum.  

Cons: None.  THIS MUST HAPPEN.