Coronation Street Weekly Update, March 16 2009

Greetings and welcome to another weekly wotsit of wonder full of gossip from the cobbles popping atcha through the letterbox of life. (Enough of that, ed). Who’s Ed? Anyway, without any further ado, here we go with this week’s Coronation Street update.

Big story not only of the week but of the year so far is Steve and Becky’s wedding so let’s crack on with that. With a wedding date of Friday the 13th, things were never going to be smooth. The groom had a black eye and second thoughts and the bride, well, the bride was Becky Granger, what more’s to be said. Oh, you want more said? Right then, here goes. Becky was in a huge, and I mean HUGE, pink, and I mean pink, net of a dress with a chicken fillet cleavage to plump out her breasts, packet of fags tucked in her garter, pink hair attachment, a tiara like Jordan’s and as an accessory, a gob full of gum. “What’s your top tips for a happy marriage?” she asks Hayley before the big day. Hayley, bless her, did a little shudder in that way that she does and smiled sweetly before reply. “Be Yourself. Give and Take…” and there was another little shudder and I swear her eyes sparkled: “… and treat him to the occasional hairwash.”

I’ve always thought Roy had nice, shiny, clean hair.

Anyway, at the church Steve sits and waits with his black eye and his suit as the registrar waxes lyrical about an 18 foot boat he likes to take out on the reservoir. It’s all very nautical. And as Steve waits, Becky drinks. It starts when Natasha comes to do her hair first thing in the morning and doesn’t stop until Becky collapses. She gulps champagne from the bottle and cheap cider from Blanche that she’s bought from Dev’s shop after he gives her sales patter: “It’s got an OK bouquet, a whiff of marker pen and it’s three litres for £1.99”. Sold to the lady with the errant son-in-law.

Desperate to hide from Steve when she spies him on the Street, Becky runs into the builder’s yard and ends up drinking with Jason who gives her a bit of advice: “You want to have your wedding cake and eat it, you.” As Roy and Hayley fret about her whereabouts and whatnots, Becky stands and rips her frock, her tiara’s cock-eyed and she’s three sheets to the wind but does she care, no she does not. She’s flaming loved and she knows it. She even shouts it from the Underworld roof, with a bottle of champagne in her hand and her soul raised to the sky, but no idea of the time.

Roy manages to get her down from the roof and into the wedding car and off they set to the registrar office. But as Becky walks down the aisle, to the tune from Bonnie and Clyde, by then it’s too late because she’s too drunk and HMS Registrar drops anchor and says the bride isn’t in a fit state to be wed. Not that she cares, because she’s hammered. “What’s hammered?” asks little Amy but when Becky becomes her step-mum eventually, as she surely will become, little Amy will find out what hammered means soon enough, and regularly too. And so, Steve takes drunk Becky back to the Rovers and carries her in through the backdoor not just over the threshold but over his shoulder. Trouble is, she thinks they did get wed because she was too drunk to know what was going on and it’s left to Michelle glossy-bonce Connor to relish breaking the bad news to Becky that she and Steve aren’t married after all. Becky spends the next two episodes in tears with streaky mascara doing its job to perfection.

Elsewhere this week away from the madness of the marriage that just wasn’t meant to be, things were plodding along nicely in the Platt household. Gail finds Joe curled up in his builder’s yard on a smelly mattress and asks him to move back in with her after Tina told her about her dad’s depression and deep blue moods. So it’s officially true, there is someone even more miserable than Gail. Mind you, David’s not best pleased when he finds Joe’s moved back into the house and his mum’s life and in his anger, he throws Joe’s stuff down the stairs. Well, he’s had practice at throwing things down the stairs, has young Platt.

Meanwhile, over in Underworld, Maria and Tony get creepily close. It’s horrible, I can’t bear it and I have to watch these scenes hiding behind the sofa with my fingers in my ears, rocking back and forwards until it all ends.

In the flat above the bookies, Peter buys Simon a pet rabbit.

“Whaddaya gonna call it?” Peter asks his son, “Bunny? Fluffy? Snowy?”.

Simon replies: “Wanna call it Leanne,” and so Leanne the rabbit now joins the cobbles cast.

She always was hare-brained.

And up in the flat in the sky at Victoria Court, Tara presses on with her plans to open Tate Salford. She’s spending a fortune but Dev doesn’t seem to care as he’s got comedy uncle Umed to keep an eye on.

And that’s just about that for this week.

Coronation Street writers this week were Mark Burt, Chris Fewtrell, Debbie Oates, Jayne Hollinson and Lucy Gannon.

Glenda
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