This week the update’s been making a list and checking it twice. And as all of its friends are both naughty and nice, Christmas shopping next weekend will be spent mainly in Selfridges lingerie department. I’m giving posh pants to them all. Anyway, without any further ado, here we go with this week’s Coronation Street update.
Cast your mind back to last week with Roy in the canal, floundering with only his shopping bag to keep him afloat, as evil Tony Gordon runs away. But hang on, what’s this, evil Tony Gordon stops his running, turns and runs back? Not only does he run back but he rescues Roy, saves his life and gives him the kiss of life. Roy recovers, as we all knew he would (and should) and Tony turns himself in at the cop shop. Tony’s gone from catalogue man to cold-blooded killer, as all good soap dudes do.
Meanwhile, Maria’s beside herself with grief when she finds out the truth about Tony killing Liam. Mammy and Barry Connor fly in from Ireland - Barry flew on RyanAir, Mammy came by broomstick. Maria dumps baby Liam on them, saying she can’t cope and the Connors offer to take her and the wee one to Ireland, and Maria agrees. Kirk pledges his support for Maria when he finds out she’s leaving for Ireland. “I’m never far away,” he tells her, which is a lie as he’s always on another planet. Just as Maria’s pulling herself together there’s a knock on the door. Maria opens it to find the face of Carla Connor, staring in at her. She’s clearly been Tangoed, has Carla. Carla lies to Maria, the cops and Leanne and says she didn’t know that Tony killed Liam but admitted that she once guessed he wasn’t that fond of bats.
Over at the Barlows’, there’s another tea party but alas, a distressing lack of cheese straws. Was I the only Corrie fan to bake some cheese straws after Deirdre’s disastrous attempt the other week? Oh, it was just me then. Be-ro do a foolproof recipe and Deirdre should take note. But anyway, this tea party’s for George and Eve to get to know the Barlows and Blanche decides that as there’s a new fella in the house, she’s going to do a bit of flirting. She plasters her face with make-up and then gets plastered on white wine, airing the Barlow dirty laundry: “Did you know Deidre’s an ex-con, Peter’s an ex-alcholic and Leanne’s an ex-prossie?” It’s just as well she kept quiet about Ken being an old f*rt although I suspect they’ll soon find that one out.
Gail puts her house up for sale when Joe tells her his debts have spiralled out of control. And the first person to look around the property is Joe’s loan shark, who’s got to be one of Corrie’s most evil fellas that it’s had in a long time. And what does Gail to do an evil fella with a sick, twisted mind? She invites him into her home with a smile on her face. The plan is to sell the house, pay off Joe’s debts, move into a small flat and live happily ever after. As this is Gail Platt, that plan ain’t ever gonna work.
Tedious storyline of the week involved Dev and Steve on a golf course where Dev bats his eyelashes at a lady golf coach called Bernie. It’s dull but I just hope it’s leading somewhere. However, the temptation to write a joke about Bernie playing around with Dev’s balls was too hard to overcome and so I just did.
And finally this week, Sally wants to know if Molly’s been fiddling with Kev. It’s the garage accounts that Sally worries about, as Molly and Kevin snuggle up in yet another nasty hotel room for yet another night of vomit-inducing passion in their seedy affair. As the couple go sub-duvet, both their phones ring and it’s Sally on the phone to them both, wanting to balance income and output. Kevin and Molly were hoping to do the same.
Greetings and welcome to another weekly wotsit of wonder plopping through your inbox and onto your e-mat. This week the update stirs things up with its very own spurtle. Read on and you’ll find out more.
The Underworld girls have had a shocking week. First off, Kelly gets electric-shocked by a loose wire in her sewing machine and it’s clear that the old machines and the factory need an overhaul. But there’s no cash, says Messrs Strong and Gordon and that’s when Mr Strong comes up with a plan. He asks the girls to buy a share of the factory to raise cash to get the place tarted up. The girls’ reaction to this piece of news? They were shocked.
Over the road, Maria has a false alarm when she starts having baby pains and is rushed to th’ospital with Kirkeh by her side. Now, Kirkeh’s not the best person in a panic and Maria shoos him away when it turns out she’ll be ok. But as soon as Tony Gordon finds out what’s happened to Maria, he makes it his mission to mind her and moves in. Maria doesn’t take much convincing about having a hunky-Scot living on her sofa, especially when he’s good with Ozzy, makes proper porridge with a spurtle and does his ironing sans-shirt. Ooh, all these qualities, eh? If only he wasn’t a murderer, he’d be quite a good catch.
Over at the Kabin, Norris has got a strop on (I said strop on, dear) when Ramsay becomes the Kabin’s new paperboy.
David Platt’s scam to get Gary Windass caught in the act of thieving from Audrey’s house comes unstuck after Audrey and Gail catch David at the house just as he was about to put the family photos back on the shelves. He comes clean, does David, when he realises he has no choice and Gail gives him yet another talking to, about how disappointed she is, how she’ll never forgive him, how she’s just letting him live in the house but he’s no longer part of the family. As the King of Siam once said: “Etcetera. Etcetera. Etcetera”. Strangely, Ted appears to have forgiven David although the way Audrey’s set her face, it looks like it could take her some time to feel the same.
Weatherfield Barbie gets a letter from John Stape asking her to visit him in prison. She throws a sickie to get the day off work and heads to the jail in a teeny-tiny skirt and an itsy-bitsy top. John looks up from his misery to see a cleavage wobble towards him with Rosie Webster behind it. He tells her he’s giving her the proceeds from the sale of his grandmother’s house, all £150,000 of it and advises Rosie to spend it wisely, on education or training when all Rosie wants to buy is shoes, boys and bags. Rosie skips out of the prison after visiting John, putting the eyes of the Weatherfield populace in direct danger of being poked out by her boobs. Honestly, I didn’t know where to look although I suspect if you’re male and of the right age, you did.
Meanwhile Kev Webster thinks there’s summat going on between Jason and Molly as the two of them go training together. But it’s only the running that raising Jason’s heartbeat when he’s with Molly and he tells Kev in no uncertain terms that he wouldn’t go after a mate’s missus. Ah, but Kevin would - and he does. Tune in next week for more. Same bat blog, same bat channel and wear your underpants outside your bat trousers with pride.
Hello and welcome to another weekly update. It’s late again this week for the very same reason it was late last week. When you’re a football fan, especially when it’s almost the end of the season and your team’s life hangs in the balance between VIP and economy, well, it’s all you can do to tune in and watch the action from behind a cushion. I can’t even promise the update won’t be late next week ‘cos it’s a Bank Holiday Weekend and I just might be out somewhere exotic, Sainsbury’s perhaps. But anyway, without any further ado, here we go with this week’s Coronation Street update.
It’s been a bit of a week for Norris. First off Mary tries to seduce him in the motorhome with her amuse bouche and Sheena Easton impression. “What do you wear in bed?” she purrs to the reluctant newsagent. “Me?” she replies without being asked. “I wear a touch of Tweed by Lentheric and I like to stroke my muumuu.” She’s all over him, is Mary, and Norris isn’t best pleased, he runs for the door and flings Mary to the ground. So it comes as no surprise that Mary sets off on her grand tour in her anorak, alone. You’d think Norris would be happy that Mary’s gone but he’s left wondering if he’s made a big mistake. And just as Norris is pondering this, into his life walks his half-brother Manuel. He’s from Barcelona, you know.
Norris and Ramsay haven’t seen each other for 50 years so was I the only viewer to raise an eyebrow that they recognised each other immediately in the Rovers? Norris wants nowt to do with Ramsay and tells Rita and Emily that Ramsay killed their mum. These are strong words from Norris but it turns out the truth is far less murderous and Norris is being a big drama queen.
Best scene of the week for this Corrie fan was Deirdre dancing around the kitchen, just to spite Ken. She turns the radio up loud and dances by the kitchen sink to defy Ken and his air of Radio 4. She throws wanton abandon to the wind of a pop tune and lets Ken know in no uncertain terms that she’s fed up to the back teeth with him being a boring old tart.
Boring story of the week was Fiz finding out that John’s been beaten up in prison and lies ill in a hospital bed. Maria gets the truth out about John from Fiz and like the whole of the nation, yells at the TV screen: “Oi, Fiz! No!”
Elsewhere, Connie invites Jack to spend two weeks in Spain. He’s got the string vest and the hankie for his head, so he needs no persuading. But he lies to Molly and Tyrone and says he’s off to Blackpool, on his own.
Greetings and a cuddly sort of hello with a lovely warm welcome to another weekly wotsit of wonder from Weatherfield. So if you’re comfortable and ready, let’s crack on with this week’s Coronation Street update.
Remember that song, D.I.V.O.R.C.E.? Well, Steve and Becky have to spell things out so as not to let little Amy know that her M.U.M. is a M.U.R.D.E.R.E.R. “Sssh…” Steve tells Becky as he covers Amy’s ears to hide her from the truth. “Amy can S.P.E.E.L. you know,” which is clearly more than Steve can do but was very funny all the same. Anyway, Becky blurts out the truth to Amy and tells her that Tracy is banged up in prison and when Steve finds out he’s not best pleased. He throws Becky out of the pub and she seeks solace with Roy in the caff but even he gives her short shrift. But it doesn’t take long for Steve to forgive and forget and Becky’s back in his good books and his bed.
Talking about being in bed, in the creepiest ultrasound scan in the history of soaps, Tony accompanies Maria to th’ospital where she’s told she’s having a lickle baby boy. Tony sits by Maria’s side as she’s given the news and the murderer of Maria’s dead husband places his hand on the unborn. Run, Maria, run. Well, waddle carefully - but fast!
Talking about Tony Gordon, has he met his match in Mr Luke Strong? The clue’s in the name after all. Corrie don’t call a character Mr Strong for no reason. Just as the Windasses are a bunch of big loses, Mr Strong will save the day, just you mark my words. He sacks Tony from Underworld but has to take him back on when Tony threatens to move his catalogue business away. Tony’s also threatening Tom to stay away from Maria as he wants her and LadRags all to himself. Tom’s not got long left on the Street as he’s leaving soon. That lad always looks as if he’s got a looped soundtrack going round in his brain that’s constantly playing the most depressing of the Smiths and Morrissey songs, ever. Heaven knows, he’s miserable now.
Talking about miserable, “What does misanthropic mean?” asks Chesney of Fiz as he’s doing his book learning from the comfort of the sofa in front of GMTV. Fiz doesn’t know so books an appointment to see John in prison but she isn’t allowed in as she forgets her photo ID. She strops back home via a shop to buy Chesney a dictionary and then returns to see John with a copy of Private Eye, NewsWeek and Schoolgirls That Old Men Love.
Talking about Schoolgirls That Old Men Love, the horrible truth about pervert Colin being Julie Carp’s dad emerged this week. Well, the truth didn’t so much emerge as vomit itself all over the Rovers. In one of Coronation Street’s most dramatic scenes in a long while, Paula Carp turns up at Colin’s 70th birthday party, drunk. Colin’s celebrating his birthday and gets down on one knee to propose to Rita who accepts while Norris sulks. Word had reached Paula’s shell-like that her Julie and Jason had enjoyed a one night fling so she storms into the Rovers to tell Julie that she can’t continue seeing Jason. “But why?” Julie demands to know of her mother who lets rips and tells all and sundry that she was only 15 when she gave birth to Julie having been made pregnant by Colin who was more than double her age. Colin hangs his head in shame, Rita’s wedding plans fly out of the window, 
Eileen gasps, Julie cries, Betty and Emily choke on their sweet sherry and Jason gets that puzzled look on his face. The best line of the week goes to the ITV continuity woman after the episode ended. “Do you think Jason got all of that, then?” she asked.
Talking about Lulu, Mary gets into a boom-bang-a-bang-bang over her tumty: “Well, we call it a tumty but it’s really a pouffe,” she admits to Norris. It’s where she keeps all her travel mags, apparently, and she chats to Norris as she polishes their motorhome, ready for their big trip around the world. Norris isn’t sure about this, you can tell. It’s all gone too fast for his liking and he’s not sure he wants to go further with any woman than Rosamund Streeet, except for Rita, a woman with whom he’s long desired to go all the way.
Talking about going out, Tyrone’s not too happy with Jack splashes on the All Spice to go on a date with Connie Rathbone. Molly’s all for this new woman in Jack’s life but Tyrone thinks Jack’s being disloyal to Vera. Meanwhile, Vera beams out from her photoframe on the sideboard. Dead she may be, but she’s still keeping her beady eye on Jack.
Greetings and welcome to another weekly wotsit of wonder full of gossip from the cobbles popping atcha through the letterbox of life. (Enough of that, ed). Who’s Ed? Anyway, without any further ado, here we go with this week’s Coronation Street update.
Big story not only of the week but of the year so far is Steve and Becky’s wedding so let’s crack on with that. With a wedding date of Friday the 13th, things were never going to be smooth. The groom had a black eye and second thoughts and the bride, well, the bride was Becky Granger, what more’s to be said. Oh, you want more said? Right then, here goes. Becky was in a huge, and I mean HUGE, pink, and I mean pink, net of a dress with a chicken fillet cleavage to plump out her breasts, packet of fags tucked in her garter, pink hair attachment, a tiara like Jordan’s and as an accessory, a gob full of gum. “What’s your top tips for a happy marriage?” she asks Hayley before the big day. Hayley, bless her, did a little 
shudder in that way that she does and smiled sweetly before reply. “Be Yourself. Give and Take…” and there was another little shudder and I swear her eyes sparkled: “… and treat him to the occasional hairwash.”
Anyway, at the church Steve sits and waits with his black eye and his suit as the registrar waxes lyrical about an 18 foot boat he likes to take out on the reservoir. It’s all very nautical. And as Steve waits, Becky drinks. It starts when Natasha comes to do her hair first thing in the morning and doesn’t stop until Becky collapses. She gulps champagne from the bottle and cheap cider from Blanche that she’s bought from Dev’s shop after he gives her sales patter: “It’s got an OK bouquet, a whiff of marker pen and it’s three litres for £1.99”. Sold to the lady with the errant son-in-law.
Desperate to hide from Steve when she spies him on the Street, Becky runs into the builder’s yard and ends up drinking with Jason who gives her a bit of advice: “You want to have your wedding cake and eat it, you.” As Roy and Hayley fret about her whereabouts and whatnots, Becky stands and rips her frock, her tiara’s cock-eyed and she’s three sheets to the wind but does she care, no she does not. She’s flaming loved and she knows it. She even shouts it from the Underworld roof, with a bottle of champagne in her hand and her soul raised to the sky, but no idea of the time.
Roy manages to get her down from the roof and into the wedding car and off they set to the registrar office. But as Becky walks down the aisle, to the tune from Bonnie and Clyde, by then it’s too late because she’s too drunk and HMS Registrar drops anchor and says the bride isn’t in a fit state to be wed. Not that she cares, because she’s hammered. “What’s hammered?” asks little Amy but when Becky becomes her step-mum eventually, as she surely will become, little Amy will find out what hammered means soon enough, and regularly too. 
And so, Steve takes drunk Becky back to the Rovers and carries her in through the backdoor not just over the threshold but over his shoulder. Trouble is, she thinks they did get wed because she was too drunk to know what was going on and it’s left to Michelle glossy-bonce Connor to relish breaking the bad news to Becky that she and Steve aren’t married after all. Becky spends the next two episodes in tears with streaky mascara doing its job to perfection.
Elsewhere this week away from the madness of the marriage that just wasn’t meant to be, things were plodding along nicely in the Platt household. Gail finds Joe curled up in his builder’s yard on a smelly mattress and asks him to move back in with her after Tina told her about her dad’s depression and deep blue moods. So it’s officially true, there is someone even more miserable than Gail. Mind you, David’s not best pleased when he finds Joe’s moved back into the house and his mum’s life and in his anger, he throws Joe’s stuff down the stairs. Well, he’s had practice at throwing things down the stairs, has young Platt.
Meanwhile, over in Underworld, Maria and Tony get creepily close. It’s horrible, I can’t bear it and I have to watch these scenes hiding behind the sofa with my fingers in my ears, rocking back and forwards until it all ends.
In the flat above the bookies, Peter buys Simon a pet rabbit.
And up in the flat in the sky at Victoria Court, Tara presses on with her plans to open Tate Salford. She’s spending a fortune but Dev doesn’t seem to care as he’s got comedy uncle Umed to keep an eye on.
This week the update throws a green shoot through the sludge of winter and warms itself in the spring sunshine. It’s also just returned from spring jollies to the land where statues are dressed in clothes on a Saturday, is eccentric but fun and the beer always great. And so, without any further ado, here we go with this week’s Coronation Street update.
Liz limbers up in a skin-tight, stretch-lino sort of a frock for the annual Licensed Victuallers Do. She’s dressed to impress as she wants to get one over on her nemesis from The Three Tuns – Mandy Bennett - and for those who remember her, she’s the Stella Rigby of her day. Let’s just hope we see Mandy in the Rovers one day, casting her beady eye across the bar and putting Liz in her place with a raised eyebrow and a tut. While Liz is out with the licensed ladies who lunch, she doesn’t want to, but has no choice to leave Becky in charge at the bar.
She’s even less pleased when Steve tells her that he and Becky have not only named the day, they’ve gone and booked it aswell. Becky’s over the moon but there’s a problem, it’s Friday the 13th and she’s superstitious. She’s also supersonic when Michelle tells her that the engagement ring that Steve’s given her is the one that she picked out for herself. Rings get flung around the Rovers before Steve apologises and tells anyone who’ll listen that Becky’s the girl for him. Well, this week anyroad.
Now then, the last time Rita’s Rs was a source of amusement was back in 1973 (I said Rs, dear, Rs) but they featured heavily this week. Colin decides to decorate a window box for Rita and finds an old metal doings ready for compost and plants. It’s got the letter R on it twice so it could have been nicked from Roys Rolls or the Rovers Return but we’re led to believe that the Rs stand for Rita. Well, it might once have stood but at the age she is now, it’s forgivable to sag. Graeme puts his horticultural knowledge to the test and pots up the windowbox with Hyacinth (var. plasticus recyclii) for Rita’s delectation.
Norris isn’t happy, gives Graeme some stick and shakes the lad on his ladder as he’s up at Rita’s window. Graeme responds with some horticultural heckling to Norris who carries on shaking so much that the compost falls from Graeme’s hands and onto Norris’ neck. Norris is shaken and stirred so much that he can’t bring himself to look at Mary’s snaps from her cruise: “This is me on the top deck. This is me on the lower deck. Ooh, look, you can see the sea on this one…”
Eileen Grimshaw gets to smile this week when she has a drink with her old school mate Paula, who’s Julie Carp’s mum. Eileen hasn’t seen Paula since Paula left school aged 14, up the duff with a baby put there by Eileen’s dad. Except that Eileen doesn’t know that bit yet, but she’ll find out soon enough what a randy old fella her dad really is, was and probably always will be if Rita’s Rs is anything to go by. But hang on a minute, if Paula was pregnant when she was 14 then doesn’t that make Eileen’s dad a pervy, dirty old man and guilty as charged? It also makes Julie and Eileen half-sisters.
The Windass and Platt clan have their day in court and Tina testifies in tears. She also tells the truth and Gary Windass is cleared of assaulting David Platt. This has been a dull storyline but one that’s drawing to a close and all I could think while watching yet another Corrie court case unfold was how much I’d love to be a Corrie extra and sit on a Corrie jury.
And over at Underworld, Rosie needles Janice to get back to her stitching when she finds her reading a First Aid book. Rosie takes the mickey out of Janice who might be reading up on cardiac resuscitation but can’t pronounce it (I had trouble there spelling it) and the two almost come to blows until Mr Strong sorts them out. He’s kind, he’s loving, he is Mr Strong. And he sends Janice on a course to be the new first aider which sends Rosie’s stuck-up nose right out of joint.
