Keep the public house public. This weird, semi-lockdown we're all currently going through (you can visit ONE family member but ONLY if you both have R in your name AND you can name all the members of Lindisfarne, except for viewers in Scotland) means that the Rovers Return, the beating heart of Weatherfield, has been out of action. Admittedly, the pubs are now open again - I went to one yesterday, and it was ridiculously stressful, though the alcohol helped - but back when they filmed this week's shows they were still closed. Hence the Rovers is suddenly a takeaway, which sounds like a good idea in principle, but is actually nonsense. You don't mind paying three pound a pint* in a pub because you get to the pleasure of being in a too-warm over-crowded bar with your mates listening to terrible driving rock while a man at the next table shares his racist opinions too loudly. It's a price worth paying. Take all that away, though, and you may as well buy your booze from the supermarket. That crate of beer Michael bought for the party probably would've been a third of the price at the Co-op by the tram stop and he could've got some nibbles while he was there. I mean, Geoff went in the Rovers on Friday and bought a single bottle of questionable white wine and it was twelve pound seventy five. I don't mind that one so much, though, because (a) I'm happy to see the odious Geoff get absolutely fleeced and (b) it meant we got the return of the Amazing Jenny Bradley Faces, with her pulling a particularly disgusted sneer as she turned away from him to the back of the bar:
This came after he said the Sainted Jenny resembled his mother. I presume it was only social distancing guidelines stopping her from smacking him round the head. She did reveal that Scott and His Awful Name have left the premises; will the dream that I've had for weeks that we never actually find out what his deal was come true? Fingers crossed! When Geoff left, Jenny immediately sanitised her hands, scrubbing them like he'd coughed all over the bar, and frankly I don't blame her.
*Yes folks, a pint of beer is about three quid a pint in t'North, less if you go to one of the dodgier establishments, and now you know why I moved up here twenty five years ago.
Keep yourself busy. Mary revealed that she's been spending lockdown keeping Sean busy with daily tasks. I'll be honest, I'd not really thought about the nightmare of flatshares during the crisis. Sharing a house with a moaning parent or boisterous children must be nothing next to the hell of 24/7 with an unhygenic nudist with no inhibitions and a fondness for curry. Mary at least sounded like she was trying to make their time fun, with her singing out the window and entertaining little assignments, and I am not at all surprised that Sean took it really badly and was a massive misery throughout. I suppose it could've been worse; Eileen is apparently trapped in Thailand with Jason, at least until Sue Cleaver has grown the pink dye out of her hair, and if all three of them had been trapped together in that tiny house the sustained and intense levels of campery over the months would've caused number eleven to collapse into a glittery rainbow wormhole.
Isolate for your safety and others. The Baileys are back, and you know what that means? Yes, it was time for another SERIOUS ISSUE. After conquering homophobia and racism they now rode back into the Street to educate us about the valuable contribution the NHS is making to the battle against Covid-19, with Aggie working all the hours God sends at the hospital to keep you - yes, YOU - safe and well. Ed tried to make things better by organising a Zoom party with all the family, including the much discussed but never seen Dee-Dee. Unfortunately it never went ahead, denying us the opportunity to see her; to be honest, after all this build up, when Dee-Dee does appear she'll have to be played by Lupita Nyong'o and arrive on a flaming unicorn or it'll be a tremendous let-down.
Aggie has been isolated in a hotel for two weeks because the Matron on her ward has shown coronavirus symptoms and I have to confess I'm worried. Let's be honest, in a close-knit community like Coronation Street, it would be pretty unlikely that nobody got the virus, so I can see the producers wanting someone to come down with it, if only so they can use the Kate Oates Memorial Hospital set - they love doing that. And giving it to Aggie would mean they could really hammer home that message about healthcare workers being heroes. But a little part of me is worried that she might not make it. After all, Lorna Laidlaw didn't make any live appearances in the show, only showing up via video call. And her first appearance in the show was on the 12th June 2019, meaning that her one-year contract might be expiring. And I can't help thinking the former Mrs Tembe may be a bit disappointed with how little she's had to do in the show. Please don't kill her, writers. Not least because she's the best Bailey. If you have to kill one of them James is right there.
Fill in the gaps. When Tim first arrived in Weatherfield, he was a bit, well, dodgy. It was only as time went on and Joe Duttine continued to turn in a charming roguish performance that they sanded off the edges and made him the lovely Mr Metcalfe we have today. It does mean that his biography has been somewhat confused, and this week, they tried to clear some of it up. His mum's name, for starters, because there seem to have been several candidates over the years; it turned out Paula Wilcox was his real mum, and that Tessa woman who died and who he'd called his mum was Geoff's second wife who'd taken care of him. He didn't take the news that his real mum was alive at all well, believing that she must be a con artist, because who would abandon their infant child? Well, Tim, you would, because let's not forget that you dumped Faye and her junkie mum and fled, but anyway. Now we've got a bit more of his life story in the show, perhaps they can explain what happened to the two older brothers he used to talk about, and they can clarify why he thinks Geoff was such a great caring dad when Tim managed to go forty years without ever learning to read.
Elsewhere Geoff spotted Elaine in the Street and immediately recognised her. For a moment I thought that was unrealistic, given it was nigh-on fifty years since he last saw her, but in fairness Paula Wilcox still looks like she did when she was Chrissie in Man About The House so... fair enough. (Incidentally, did you know that in the American version of Man About The House, Chrissie is the name of the ditzy blonde i.e. Sally Thomsett's character?). Anyway, he's now brooding in unsubtly devilish lighting, so who knows what his next move will be. He doesn't need to do much really, because Elaine spent the entire week fleeing in terror from Alya and all she did was smile at her and offer to buy her a cup of tea. A bit of aggressive growling and she'd be on that tram and never come back.
An eye for an eye will leave us all blind. Of course the biggest storyline this week was The World's First Socially Distant Stunt, as Sarah-Lou was saved from being run over by Gary. Unfortunately the driver legged it, so we'll never know exactly how he'd managed to get up to such a high speed in that tiny bit of Rosamund Street between the florist and the cab office, but still, it was all highly exciting. The most disappointing part of it was that in the preview pics the dummy Gary pushed out of the way lost its head but Sarah-Lou remained in one piece. I thought we were also going to get Coronation Street's first decapitation but sadly not.
Sarah-Louise is now in a bind. On the one hand, Gary is a confessed killer. On the other hand, he saved her life and confessed he loved her, so what's a girl to do? I would hope that any rational girl would immediately run to the police, but this is Sarah-Lou we're talking about. Adam may be handsome, professional, and about to buy her a nice flat in that Redbank apartment block over the barber's, but Gary has a murder van he's borrowed off Dennis Nilsen, so deciding who's best is a real quandry. Still, next to Maria, she's practically Rachel Riley; in Friday's episode Maria turned up at Gary's bedside apparently fresh from some horrific brain injury, as she whittered on about Morrissey and yanked down her protective face mask at his bedside without a moment's thought. I think Maria may actually be getting stupider with age, and when you look at her history, that's quite an achievement.
Of course the scariest storyline involving Gary this week was when Bernie offered to go on a date with his dad. Bernie Winters and Eddie Windass; what a truly gruesome twosome that would be. It doesn't bear thinking about.
If you'd like to play a game of sexy Treasure Hunt, contact me via Twitter @merseytart. You'll have to provide your own twenty pence piece.
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