Five Things We Learned In Corrie This Week

International sex kittens have the best tales.  Ken got Claudia round to steal info off her for his plagiarised serial in the Gazette, but she was far more interested in telling filthy stories of her decadent past.   Apparently, in 1973, Claudia Colby was a photographer's assistant on Capri who had an encounter with Sacha Distel; this is the kind of glamorous filth I would never get bored of hearing.  I can just picture her sprawled on a lounger, sharing champers with Kate O'Mara and peering over huge sunglasses at oiled up waiters in tiny Speedos. It's no wonder Ken turned to the bouffanted hairdresser's ideas when the papers turned down his latest misery memoir - nothing in his life could compete with that level of uninterrupted glamour (by comparison, in 1973, Ken Barlow was complaining to the brewery because they'd put a fruit machine in the Rovers and he was worried Albert Tatlock would fritter away his pension.  Scandale!). 

Parental guidence is needed.  Ryan v Ali is an interesting contrast.  They were born at the same time in the same hospital yet their lives took such radically different paths.  Ali is responsible, clear-headed and mature, with the intelligence and drive to train to be a doctor.  Ryan has trouble opening a cupboard door without knocking himself unconscious.  You'd think Michelle might reflect on the differences in the pair, and wonder what it says about her parenting skills, but as she is Exalted Queen of the Universe that level of self-analysis is beneath her.  She demonstrated her excellent mothering at the climax to Friday's episode, taking milliseconds to formulate a plan to lie to the police and dragging poor Ali into her web of lies.  At once point she used emotional blackmail and said "if you care anything about this family" to him; frankly I'd have replied "I care exactly as much as you care about me" and then not contacted her for ten years.  See how she likes it.

Patti Clare can do no wrong.  It takes a great actress with skilled comic timing to render an obscenity harmless.  Play it too hard and the viewers are shocked; go too soft and the joke is lost.  All credit then to Patti, who, on hearing Tim had helped Steve with a fitting for his wedding band, was able to say "perhaps Steve's ring is a two-man job" without causing grandmothers across the country to spit out their Horlicks.  If you knew, you giggled, and if you don't know, don't Google it.

Don't give the homeless money, they'll only spend it on alcohol.  Sean has seemingly recovered from his al fresco period and is firmly installed on the sofa above the florist's.  It seems some of the bad habits he picked up haven't left him completely, though, as his idea of a few drinks for a quiet night in with Billy and Josh was a bottle of wine.  Each.  And when they were finished, he took himself off to the pub for a few more.  You're not under a viaduct now, Sean; you don't have to drink to numb the pain, unless it's the pain of another of Summer's impromptu Powerpoint presentations about the life span of the fruit fly.  I suppose we should be glad he's drinking wine.  All that time with the drunks has given him a taste for the hard stuff, and he might have come back from Dev's with a pot of paint thinner and three straws.

The landlady's got potential.  "You should've seen them in the old days," reminisced Jenny Bradley about Liz and Jim.  "They were like Burton and Taylor."  Yeah, except it was Burton and Taylor in Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf.  Jenny had a barnstorming week all round, in fact, effortlessly bantering with the pub's clientele and floating around blissfully unaware that her husband is an adulterous blackmail victim.  She also had a brief but iconic moment at the mic singing along to Ariana Grande.  If only she'd performed her signature tune, What I Did For Love.  No, I will never stop sharing that video.

If Tyrone wants some way of keeping Hope from causing havoc that doesn't involve a spanking from Maureen Lipman, he should contact the author on Twitter @merseytart.  I have a cattle prod and some barbed wire fencing going spare.

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