Cast your mind back, if you will, to last week and the Lake District and Liam in hospital after falling from the fell. He makes a speedy recovery, as injured people are wont to do in a soap when they’re needed for a script change on t’other side of the Pennines, and Liam limps over the cobbles on crutches. Maria doesn’t want Carla to know that loverboy’s back in town and lies to her while trying on wedding dresses in town. But Carla’s out for a spot of lunch with catalogue Tony “my knight in shining Armani”, the one with the weird staring eyes, and spies Maria through the window of the wedding frock shop. There’s an altercation, as you can imagine, the likes of which the Vincent Malone Bridal Boutique has never seen before and Maria does her best to warn Carla from chasing her Liam. “Stay away from me, yer vile cow,” says Maria but let’s be honest, she’s in a no-win situation. Maria’s like a cuddly hamster facing up to the robo-rottweiler that goes by the name of Ms Connor. Carla pulls out all the stops when she finds out Liam’s back on the Street and cooks him a bacon, sausage and cheeky cheese casserole just like his Irish mammy used to make. “You’d best buckle up love,” Carla warns Maria. “You’re in for a bumpy ride.” One of the best lines of the week came from Michelle when Maria told her she’d brought the wedding forward to next month. “If there are cracks in your relationship, you can’t paper over them with confetti,” she said. Ooh, I liked that one a lot.
From one side of the Connor clan to the other, less exciting side. Indeed, it’s to the side that sucks the life out of my telly screen whenever they appear as Michelle and Ryan tremble in the back room the pub over Nick the stalker and the terrible truth. “You’ll always be my baby,” Michelle tells the boy who isn’t her son. Poor Ryan, finding out the truth made him miss his own 16th birthday party in the back room of the pub and his mates Tommo, Phil, Monster and Ig had turned up for the bash too. Tupperware bowls full of beef flavoured crisps with the stench of the inside of a dog’s kennel sat untouched as the boys left Ryan and Michelle to cry on the sofa.
Over in the Duckies, Jack and Vera had an offer accepted on the house of their dreams at number 42 Pemberton Gardens Blackpool. Better still, they found a buyer for their own house when Molly and Tyrone offered them the asking price. As the Duckies started to pack up their boxes, Molly and Tyrone told Paul he could stay on as lodger if he wanted as long as he paid rent. But, dear readers, the Duckies won’t be going anywhere as Veronica Duckworth (née Burton), yes that’s Vera to you and me, will pop her clogs and die in next week’s update. Better buy that big box of hankies right now, in fact, if you want to start crying it’d be a good idea to start about Tuesday.Now then, all soap actors are born equal but some are more equal than others. Yes, this was the week when David’s girlfriend Tina, who works in the pound shop, introduced him to the delights of reading Animal Farm and drinking cheap vodka. Tina whisked David upstairs while Gail was at work, seduced him with “Kiss me, David, show me who’s boss”, and removed him of his innocence in one fell swoop. Not bad for her second episode but what’ll she do in her third? She’s looking promising, is Tina, ranting on about the “dangers of a naïve working class,” while wearing big loopy earrings. David’s now sporting a lovebite the size of Barney the rabbit on his neck and has taken to eaten eggy bread. Gail can only look on, quite bemused and probably relieved that her son’s hormones have found a release.
Meanwhile, Kevin was in a suit for his day in court after beating up John Stape on the cobbles. Afraid he’s going to be sent down for a long stretch he tells Sally where the stopcock is in case she should need it while he’s gone. And Sally might need to stopcock after all as Kev was sent down to the big house for 28 days although he’ll probably only serve 14 and come back with a suntan. In some wonderful scenes, Rita took up the mantle of Sally’s mentor and mother for a much needed heart-to-heart over the teapot at the kitchen table. Rita even helped sort out Rosie and Sophie from beating each other to a pulp. Dev had some sage words for Sally when he heard about Kevin in jail. “I dunno…” he said, “… you get someone in to teach you English Lit and your life turns into a Shakespearean tragedy.” Forsooth.And as Jamie and Violet wondered what to call their baby, Lauren suggested calling it Bernard Matthew in homage to the turkey baster. I can only agree.
Coronation Street writers this week were Carmel Morgan, Jonathan Harvey (two episodes), David Lane and Julie Jones.
And that’s just about that for this week.
Glenda
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