WILL GARY SAVE THE DAY FOR KELLY? Abi listens as Aadi rails at Dev for making Kelly homeless again. When Aadi reveals that Kelly’s turned to drugs, even Abi’s taken aback. At her drugs support group Abi shoots Kelly a look of pure hatred as she describes her troubled upbringing, how she’s done some terrible things and used drugs as an escape route. Feeling a flicker of empathy, Abi then bears her soul to the group. Back on the street Gary suggests to Maria that they could offer Kelly a roof over her head. Will Maria agree?
TYRONE CONTEMPLATES SELLING UP Tyrone asserts the house is rightfully his and he’s not selling it but as Fiz explains to Evelyn that Tyrone’s ruined her happy memories of No.9 and she needs a fresh start, Evelyn’s saddened. Evelyn tells Tyrone it’s his duty to do right by Fiz and the kids and if that means selling the house, so be it. Will Tyrone agree?
ELSEWHERE Craig and Faye return from another stressful driving lesson. Leo invites Jenny to come and watch him play rugby. Apologising to Leo for blowing hot and cold, will they kiss and make up? Sarah thanks Lydia for not letting her meaningless fling with Adam spoil their friendship. Realising those are Adam’s words, Lydia’s quietly fuming. Adam suggests they book a posh hotel for new year’s eve. Sarah’s won over.
MONDAY - Episodes originally broadcast 5th and 7th and 8th November 1999
Buckle up folks; ITV have managed to muck up the broadcast of Classic Corrie again. They missed out the episode for the 7th November entirely so I'm bundling the recap in here with the episodes they did show, using info from Corriepedia. It was Freshco's fireworks night, opened by local dignitary Councillor Audrey Roberts and staffed by first aiders Roy and Hayley. Unfortunately a rocket fell on the first aid tent and put all the volunteers in hospital, which rather undermined Roy's efforts to provide a safe environment. Sarah-Lou refused to hang out with her mum and dad and Martin indulged her, winding up Gail. He then made her even more angry by referring to her childhood as "a long time ago" (Gail's age here - a clearly decrepit 41, a whole ten years older than Martin). Rita absolutely refused to give Ian the time of day and smarted whenever Sharon mentioned her marriage. Rita told her she'd hold her tongue when it came to him, but she'd never approve. Meanwhile Ian showed her a lovely house in Bolton which she thought was out of their price range. He said they could easily afford it - if Sharon sold the Kabin. And Liz wrote to Jim to say that she was marrying again. He cried on Natalie's shoulder and, in typical Jim McDonald style, mistook her sympathy for a come on. He made a pass and she had to ask him to leave, embarrassing them both.
TUESDAY - Episodes originally broadcast 10th and 12th November 1999
An impossibly cool dude in a soft-top car answered his mobile phone. Who is this stud? It's Devendra Alahan, making his first appearance, and answering a call from his cousin Nita. She was chasing after Vik, who'd said he was visiting Dev but was actually having a load of hi-jinks with Steve McDonald in spin off Coronation Street After Hours. Dev arrived in Manchester and offered to help Nita out in the shop while Ravi was away. And twenty two years later he's still there! Rita tried to make things up with Sharon over a home-cooked meal, but Ian blabbed about their plan to sell the Kabin. Sharon was embarrassed but when Rita was unpleasant to the estate agent measuring up, she turned on her, and said she'd be glad to get rid. Rita sadly cried in her flat over a 1980s publicity photo of Tracie Bennett. A vet scanned Monica and discovered she was microchipped so Tyrone sadly took her back home. It turned out the owner had run off and left his wife and she'd turned the dog out; she happily handed her over to Tyrone and gave him the papers. She also confirmed that Monica was a racing dog and Tyrone suggested they race her. Les was called into the DSS and he thought Spider was winding him up again. This was a genuine interview though, and Rosa Klebb-lookalike Miss Finch produced the evidence that Les was working while signing on. He was going to be prosecuted, and he launched himself at Spider in the pub, accusing him of grassing him up.
WEDNESDAY - Episodes originally broadcast 14th and 15th November 1999
Janice was disgusted to learn that Les had been signing on the whole time he'd been claiming he was skint. However, she didn't want him to go to prison, and so she begged Spider to help get him off the hook. Mike got an unexpected visitor - his son Mark, now played by Paul Fox and surprised to learn that Alma was out and Linda was in. He thought she was a trollop - though she'll go up in his estimation before long. Linda, meanwhile, was shocked to learn he had a son in the first place. Rita felt humiliated that everyone was right to tell her not to hand over the Kabin to Sharon but Fred was kind and told her she shouldn't blame herself. He stuck up for Rita with Sharon but she said it was none of his business. And Vik returned from his spin-off having lost all the shop's takings. Nita told him he'd have to repay it.
THURSDAY - Episodes originally broadcast 19th November 1999
Gary admitted that he needed help coping with the twins on his own. He asked Emily to babysit, and she happily accepted, and he took the collection from the Rovers he'd previously turned down out of misplaced pride. At the DSS, Spider managed to rob Les's file. However, Miss Finch caught him feeding it into the shredder. He got away with an official warning. Some of the blokes from the Rovers formed a syndicate to race Monica. Tyrone practiced getting her out of a trap with a fake one made out of a packing crate. It was hard work and Vinny offered to help, but Tyrone wanted to do it all himself. Rita offered the asking price for the Kabin - £45,000. Ian suggested pretending there was a counter offer to get her to bump up her offer, but Sharon had a rare moment of decency and refused. She told Rita she could have the shop. Gail tried to organise a happy family meal, but she forgot that the Platts are awful people. Sarah-Lou wanted to go out and sulked because she couldn't while Martin thought she was being pushy, wanting to have a nice night with her husband and children. What a monster, eh?
FRIDAY - Episodes originally broadcast 21st and 22nd November 1999
Sarah-Lou wanted a new pair of shoes but Gail refused to spoil her. She went and got a job as a paper girl but Martin handed over the cash for the shoes anyway. Unsurprisingly, Gail was livid at being undermined, and asked him when he was going to get round to having that vasectomy? When he was less than keen she told him there'd be no sex until he got the chop. The syndicate took Monica to the Red Rec to train her, using Vera's novelty slipper as a hare. However, someone saw the dog shaking a bunny-shaped object to death and called the RSPCA. They turned up on the doorstep of the B&B and Jack had to shamefacedly admit he'd been using Vera's footwear for nefarious purposes. Spider gave Gary some forms to encourage him to claim the benefits he was entitled to. He wasn't sure, and when he got life insurance money from Judy's death and used it to pay the mortgage, he felt guilty for profiting from her corpse. Audrey went round trying to get people to buy £25 tickets for a Millennium celebration. Remember that, when every pub and club in Britain charged eye-wateringly gouging prices for New Year's and the nation collectively told them to get stuffed and stayed at home instead? Roy seemed to agree, and suggested that the Street organise its own Millennium party instead.
This is one of the few times I've mentioned Vinny because he's quite possibly the most boring character on the entire Street at the moment, and this is a Street that includes Ken Barlow. Vinny fans can send me hate mail via Twitter @merseytart.
Classic Corrie is back on ITV3 from Wednesday, assuming they don't muck up the broadcast order again.
KELLY BURNS HER BRIDGES As Abi bars Kelly on her way into the barbers Imran watches concerned. Abi tells Imran she just wants Kelly out of her life for good. But when Imran reminds her she’s done some pretty shameful things herself, Abi slaps him across the face. When Maria asks Kelly why she failed to turn up to work, with Abi’s eyes boring into her, Kelly lies that she couldn’t be bothered. Maria tells her she’s fired. Craig later finds Kelly in a state having taken some spice. At the police station Craig urges her to get help before she ends up back in prison. But does Kelly have anywhere to turn?
FIZ SHOCKS TYRONE WITH A SUGGESTION With Fiz, Tyrone and Phill seemingly back on an even keel, Tyrone tells Evelyn that it’s obvious Phill will get bored of playing the family man and when he does, he’ll be waiting for Fiz. Evelyn reckons he’s deluded. Meanwhile when Phill suggests the girls might like to call him stepdad, Fiz reckons it’s a great idea. Phill then
reveals he’s seen a super family house but understands if she’s not ready. How will Fiz respond? When Fiz drops the bombshell that she wants to sell No.9, Tyrone’s shocked.
ASHA IS NINA’S KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOUR Having spent the night at Asha’s, Nina feels refreshed and gives Asha her Christmas present, a framed drawing of the two of them. Asha is overcome and Dev’s pleased to see her happy again. However when Asha calls in the cafe she finds Nina suffering from another anxiety attack. Asha does her best to reassure her.
ELSEWHERE Todd begs Eileen to give George another chance. When George presents her with a new winter coat and reveals he’s booked a table at the bistro, will he be forgiven?
Leo invites Jenny out for a drink but she refuses to commit. Leo masks his hurt. Jenny asserts that Leo is too young for her. Daisy thinks she’s mad and deserves some fun.
Joy to the world. 2021 has been rubbish. If 2020: The Pandemic was an enormous blockbuster, 2021 was a cheap SyFy channel knock off version, using many of the same story beats but with much worse writing and cheaper special effects. 2021 was just miserable, as we all dipped in and out of lockdowns and mask-wearing and lateral flow tests while the government faffed about, and chucking in a last minute surprise villain in the form of Omicron didn't make the previous eleven months any better.
Thank goodness then for Christmas Day Corrie, which delivered an hour of nothing but entertainment, laughs and happiness. Nobody wants to see a gun rampage in Weatherfield on Christmas Day; we want jolliness, bounciness, a sense that life is worth persisting with, this year more than any. Damon Alexis-Rochefort - always one of Corrie's top writers - turned out a gem of a show where stuff happened that felt good. Nobody was murdered, nobody was raped, nobody got into a drunken state and tried to run someone over - instead characters chatted to one another and had the odd petty row and made us smile. It wasn't perfect, for the simple reason that it was Billy who lead the final singalong rather than Rita in a spangly chiffon frock, but it was pretty damn good. More of this please.
A cigar is not just a cigar. The simmering jealousy between Tyrone and Phill finally erupted into violence and both men chose their weapon. Tyrone picked an inflatable unicorn, with a large prominent horn; Phill went with an inflatable hammer and sword. You don't have to be Freud to see what's going on here. The two men then battered one another with their faux-phalluses in a feast of homoeroticism that was basically the wrestling scene from Women in Love in Christmas jumpers. They had to fight this way because as, we discovered during any scene where the two of them were close, Phill is about eight feet tall, and he could simply tuck Tyrone under his armpit and hold him there with no problem. Instead they had to fight symbolically, using rubber devices. You know what else is a rubber device? A condom. This is absolutely not a coincidence.
The fight came about because Tyrone finally acted on Fiz's fluttering eyelashes and wistful sighs and tried to snog her over the Christmas table while Phill was off hiding from a pigeon. (This is a sentence that could only have been written about an episode of Coronation Street, which is another reason why this was a top drawer show). She rejected his advances, because while Phill may be a mother loving ornithobe, he is also kind and committed and hasn't once snogged a Romanian nail technician. This was a relief for everyone except the people at What's On TV magazine, who'd chosen Fiz and Tyrone to accompany their annual Together at Christmas strapline, and must wish they'd picked a couple from EastEnders instead.
When empires clash, the whole world quakes. Halfway through last night's Corrie something occurred to me: between them, Gail and Ken have over a hundred years of appearances on the show under their belt. They've been in more shows than any other two characters. And yet, when do they ever talk to one another? They're obviously on nodding terms and have occasionally crossed paths but I'm not sure they've ever had a proper storyline together in forty-six years. I'm not advocating for a Gail/Ken love story - I would like to repeat I am very much not advocating for a Gail/Ken love story - but when she offered to buy him a pint in the Rovers towards the end of the show it felt like a first.
The Platts took charge - yes, I know they've all got different surnames, but if you expect me to try and keep track of everyone's new names you underestimate how stuck in my ways I am - with each member of the family taking on a particular role. David became the chef, which is great, because nothing pleases me more than seeing a former wild child pinned under the drudgery of domesticity. Audrey tended bar, by which I mean she worked her way through the top shelf of optics; Debbie must've opened up the Bistro Boxing Day morning and found Aud lying on the floor with the last few trickles of brandy spilling from her mouth. She also took it upon herself to test whether it really was possible to lock yourself in the Bistro fridge and concluded you'd have to be an idiot - absolutely right Audrey, and finally someone has said it. Sarah-Lou took it upon herself to be the organisational brain and you can imagine how well that went. And Gail sat at the back with a glass of prosecco and told them all to sort themselves out because she'd done it herself for decades and it was about time someone else took up the slack. This realisation hits all mothers at some point, that they've reached the stage where they don't have to fuss all over their chicks any more, that they simply turn up and passive-aggressively point out that the stuffing is a little dry but that's ok, if you drown it in gravy it's fine, and is that Bisto or homemade? Oh Bisto? Well it's so much easier than the real stuff isn't it, and you look so frazzled, you clearly need all the help you can get. Good luck trying to get Gail to resume the cooking next year. She'll press a copy of Nigella's Christmas into Shona's hand and then head to the Rovers until the Queen's speech.
They're back back back back back again. Look, nobody really thought Roy had gone forever. When David Neilson finally retires Roy will get a full half-hour farewell clip show where they'll get Julie Hesmondhalgh back and everyone will cry. So his return to the show wasn't really a surprise, but it was a pleasure. The brevity of his absence sort of implied he went all the way to Venezuela just for a haircut - I know inflation is a constant worry Roy but David adding a quid to the price of a short back and sides doesn't mean you have to flee the country. Hopefully now he's back he can stop Nina having those black and white panic attacks that sort of imply she's receiving some kind of message from another dimension.
Also making an unexpected return were The Twins, whose names I've forgotten so I'm going to call them Topsy and Tim. Abi was filled with absolute joy at their return and managed to whip out suitable presents for them; given they appeared unexpectedly on Christmas Eve, when all the shops were shut, I'm assuming she took some of Jack's and handed them over to The Twins. Topsy is wondering why she got a Wethy County football kit and Tim can't understand why he has an electric razor. Thankfully this meant Abi was happy, and not on yet another Hulk Smash rampage through the Street, although she is going to have to send those kids back to Australia at some point so get ready for another dose of despair in the ginnel.
Sing if you're winning. Daisy managed to organise an impromptu street party for the residents which impressed Jenny with its wonderful sense of community. Yeah, amazing how there's a wonderful sense of community whenever someone's handing out free booze. What started as a skive for Gemma and Emma ended up as a full-on sing-song, like they'd all been bombed out of their houses during the Blitz or something, and it was lovely. Highlights included Bernie and Dev getting it on again, Mary descending on the scene like a Christmas fairy, and Billy once again tempering his West End pipes to pretend he was just a regular old singer. (Meanwhile, at Weatherfield Parish Church, the Christmas Evensong was cancelled because the Archbishop was getting lathered in the Street). There was a thrilling moment when Jenny stepped up to the piano and burst into song; tragically it wasn't her signature tune What I Did For Love but I will none the less repost that high point of Western civilisation here because I never need an excuse.
It was all lovely. Lovely lovely lovely. I'm sorry I'm not my usual cynical self; clearly the season of goodwill has filled my body, or at the very least, an awful lot of Baileys. By the end of the show I half expected Sam to stand up on his chair and finally speak, calling out "God bless us every one!" and to be honest by that point I'd have welcomed it.
The author is absolutely hammered while he writes this so if Charlie de Melo wants to slide into his DMs over on Twitter @merseytart this is exactly the time to do it.
