Five Things We Learned In Corrie This Week

Bow down to the master.  Copyright reasons mean I am unable to embed videos here; also I'm not really sure how you do it.  You'll have to take my word for it that Dev saying "oh my word, why would you do something like that?" in Wednesday's episode was one of the greatest line readings in the history of scripted entertainment.  Dench, Mirren, McKellen, none of them could've delivered that astonishing mix of shock and extreme campery after Bernie belted him.  Jimmi Harkishin is a treasure of the acting profession and should be given every award going.  I know Corrie doesn't technically qualify for the Oscars, but can we persuade the Academy to make an exception?

But Dev isn't all comedy; he's also heart.  I was strangely touched when he presented Aadi with his new car, then hugged him close and kissed him on the forehead.  There are many problems with men in the 21st century and one of them is quite simply that their dads weren't affectionate enough.  Dev was unabashedly tactile, demonstrating his love for his son, and Aadi wasn't embarrassed and didn't push him away.  They were two mature adult men who wanted to express their familial love for one another and it was adorable.  It was a bit less adorable that Dev was handing over a brand new car to Aadi while Asha stood on the sidelines and got nothing.  Hopefully she's taking driving lessons as well and will get presented with her Fiat 500 next week.

Incidentally, isn't it great that the parking problems on Coronation Street have been entirely sorted out?  I'm not sure how, or why, but the street is almost entirely empty of vehicles again.  Maybe they withdrew those residents only permits round the corner that were causing the problem.  Maybe they've now introduced them throughout Weatherfield and Coronation Street is just waiting for its signs and yellow lines to be put in.  Maybe everyone's forgotten about that plotline.  Who could possibly say.

Don't believe what you read in the papers.  A couple of weeks ago the Daily Star alleged that Debs Brownlow would be returning to the Street.  I was baffled.  Debs wasn't even interesting the first time she was in the show; why would you bring her back?  Of course, this was a showbiz reporter talking nonsense, and actually it was Gabrielle Glaister turning up as a different character - Bernie's evil twin.  I'm disappointed Damon from Brookside left before Patricia Farnham from Brookside arrived; it gives me hope that when Gabrielle's storyline ends we'll get Rosie Banks or maybe the divine Bev Dixon showing up for a stint on the cobbles.

Gabby was here to fight for ownership of one of the worst blazers I've ever seen.  If I'd have been Bernie I'd have chucked it at her - take it, it's awful - but one can't really turn down the opportunity to own a Gina Uno original.  Those things are worth anything up to fifteen pounds on the indoor market.

Know your audience.  I feel like, with the entire Stu storyline, the producers have deeply overestimated how appealing the character is.  They seem to think he's a loveable chirpy spark we desperately want to protect, while I find him mildly irritating and really couldn't care less if he's innocent or not.  He's served his sentence, it's all over and done with, move on.  The only thing I care about is that he never, ever sings again.  It seems that the Nazir family, for all their efforts to help him, can only tolerate Stu in small doses as well.  A few weeks ago, Zeedan went on holiday, leaving Alya and Yasmeen to deal with him.  When he returned, Alya went off on a business trip slash dirty week with a saucy rep, leaving Yasmeen and Zeedan to take care of Stu.  And now we've learned that Yasmeen is off to Inverness with Cathy, leaving Alya and Zeedan to cope with the Littlest Hobo and giving her valuable time off.  It's a rotating shift system, and don't be surprised if in a couple of weeks Zeedan discovers he's inherited a spooky mansion in the Pennines and has to stay there for seven nights to meet the terms of the will.

In the meantime we get to watch Alya and Zeedan pointing at files and pretending they understand them.  It's like the Innocence Project, but staffed by astonishingly unqualified people.  A particular high point was when they managed to randomly pick the exact cassette (from 14) and fast forward to the exact point where Stu confessed; I'm guessing that was written by a Young Person who never knew the tedious agonies of fast forwarding through a C90 in search of a single song, never knowing if when you pressed play you were behind or ahead of what you wanted.  Still, it's nice of Adam to let them use his office to play John Grisham; I guess since Imran died he's found himself at a loose end.

Love is in the air.  A couple of years ago, I was blindsided by Coronation Street.  They set up Nina and Seb as an adorable young couple with loads in common, then blam!  Seb got kicked to death under a viaduct and a nation's heart was broken.  It seems they've decided to repeat this storyline by getting Kelly and Aadi together in the quickest possible fashion ahead of Millie Gibson's rumoured departure.  On Monday, they were mates, entering a competition with no ulterior motive than getting a free holiday.  By Wednesday, they were taking one another's virginity, and on Friday it was sincere declarations of love and down on one knee; there are Kardashians who've had longer courtships.  (Incidentally, nothing made me feel more ancient than seeing "Mr & Mrs" had to be renamed a "Couples Quiz" because there are millions of people out there who no longer remember Derek Batey).  I really don't need Aadi to have his heart broken when Kelly is, I don't know, caught up in a terrorist attack or dropped in the lion cage at Chester Zoo or whatever disaster they've got planned to get rid of her.  He could've just been friends with her and upset by her departure without all this "love" nonsense.  Wasn't he hung up on Summer about eight minutes ago, to the extent that he was willing to take the rap for her cheating?  

Speaking of Summer, Friday's episode continued the theme of Teenagers Losing Their V Card by having her and Aaron finally get round to doing it.  There was a vague hint it might be fun and sexy - Aaron asked if breakfast was included at their dirty night out, and Summer replied "everything is"; the "including my vagina" was unvoiced - but as it frequently is with these monotonous humanoids everything went very boring very quickly.  Soon they were sat on the edge of the bed chatting about room service and I wondered if they even owned genitals.  You're two attractive young people who are clearly up for it - get on with having sex, for the love of God, and stop over thinking it.

It's called fashion, look it up.  Beth has glasses.  Let me rephrase that.  Beth has glasses, and they are fabulous.  How dare the show sneak this seismic fashion moment on us without so much as a preview or a photoshoot in British Vogue.  The official Twitter account could at least have posted a full video interview.  This was an iconic moment up there with that time Sally got a hat, and should've been treated with the reverence it deserved.  They're pink and sparkly!  They match her hair band and her earrings!

I'm not suggesting we should have a return to that time Jack Duckworth had an eye test and the show detailed it in laborious detail like it was a public information film; still, it might have been nice to see that La Tinker was suddenly long sighted and experienced her journey.  I'd much rather hear about that than her nudist evenings with Kirk, who, I'm sorry, genuinely needs help.  This week we learned that he - a delivery man with a driving licence and everything - had misinterpreted the "no return within one hour" road sign to mean he has to go for a Costa rather than going home.  Kirk is no longer "a little bit naïve" and is instead actually intellectually challenged and should be probably getting a benefit of some sort.

Since we seem to be getting nothing but dream sequences these days, even though they are always awful, I have a list of characters who should be brought back for imaginary antics.  Contact me via Twitter @merseytart, ITV, and I'll let you know what Imran, Luke, Henry Newton and Andy could be getting up to in the dreamworld.

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