Five Things We Learned In Corrie This Week

Emma is dating Ted's grandson.  I mean... no.  Just no.  Stop it.  Stop all of it.  I can't... I can't quite... no.  And no again.

At least Alexandra Mardell's decision to leave the show is a now a little less surprising.

Mates checkmate.  Is the show being sponsored by the game of chess now?  Is there a load of dark money being pumped into it by Big Chess?  Are the people at Waddington's slipping ITV a few used fifties to try and increase sales of their sets?  Because all of this week's episodes had significant subplots based around games of chess.  It's a sign of Corrie continuing to leave its working class roots behind.  Once these would have been games of darts; now they're intense battles over a chessboard.  Give it a few years and they'll be grouse shooting to settle petty arguments.

Brian returned from a really, really long holiday in Cornwall with aspirations of owning his own sweetshop overlooking Penzance and the only way he could persuade Cathy to consider the idea was to challenge her to a game of chess.  Even though he won, he graciously refused to push ahead with the plan, though he did pull a face like he'd got a particularly sharp sherbet lemon.  Meanwhile Sam continued his plan to become a Grand Master by devouring a book on the subject.  Nicky was impressed by this; I think we were meant to think Nicky was impressed by Sam's speed, when actually it sounded like he was blown away by the concept of reading.  Roy still thrashed the little Kasparov, but gave a dignified speech about the pupil becoming the Master.  In both cases the adult men were a lot more sportsmanlike than I would've been in their situation.  I'd have leapt to my feet and screamed "in your face, loser!" and this is why I've been banned from board game cafes in no less than three different counties.

Nobody is entirely innocent.  Adam's life continued to collapse as Lydia's scheming took hold.  She's smashed his car up, she's sent threatening letters, she's spammed reviews of his company... although actually that last one may not be entirely her fault.  I've checked the Google Reviews and it turns out blaming Lydia for everything may not be accurate:

One star: office was dirty, smelt of damp and hasn't been redecorated since about 1982.  When I went in to discuss my case with Mr Barlow his partner had to give up his desk because there was nowhere for clients to sit.  Still has the name of the previous occupier on the door.

One star: took them three quarters of an hour to find my file because they don't have an admin team.  Tried calling for a follow up appointment the following day but nobody answered the phone - told they don't have a secretary?!?!

One star: arrived for my appointment only to find a random brunette throwing a stapler at Mr Barlow's head.

One star: was promised they could handle my corporate law case then I discovered they have no specialisation in this field at all.  They'll take on any old case - family, criminal, property - and do their best to muddle through.  Unprofessional.

One star: desk was littered with detritus from some sort of sex game.  Mr Barlow's flies were undone the whole time.

Sarah-Lou has reacted to a virtual stranger claiming to be nobbling her husband with all the grace, calm and elegance you'd expect from a Platt, chucking clothes all over the street and bellowing like a fishwife.  She then returned to her posh apartment to sink into a second glass of wine while Nicky was absolutely no use.  Why Lydia is doing all this remains a mystery.  I'm praying it's all a case of mistaken identity, and she'll finally confront Adam about all the wrongs he did to her at the University of Aberdeen, and he'll politely point out that he didn't go there at all and she must have him confused with a different Adam Barlow.  Then Lydia will go "whoops!" and back away slowly.  Possibly to find her son, who seems to have been snatched away by people smugglers.

Familiarity breeds contempt.  Abi's gone off the deep end again, folks, so take a deep breath and maybe a drink of something strong to get you through it.  Look, I get it; addiction is a terrible thing, and people are never truly free of it.  A single knock can send a user on a downward spiral and this is a pattern that can be repeated over and over throughout their lives.  My counterpoint, however, is that it's really boring.  Lots of things happen in real life that don't appear in the show - people go to the toilet, or repaint their window frames, or renew their house insurance.  This is an entertainment show, not a public information film, and so I kind of expect the stuff on it to be entertaining.  We're entering what seems like the eighty-second cycle of Abi reaching rock bottom on DRUGS and BOOZE and hating herself.  She'll do something awful, probably something criminal, and people will rally round her and drag her out of it and she'll be back on the straight and narrow.  We've seen it before and it wasn't much fun back then.  

Literally the only interesting part of it was this man as her dealer.  He's very well dressed for someone who peddles skag for a living; he looks like he's nipped round on his way to a country house weekend.  And of course, we've got eight hours of this next week.  "Yippee".  

Fly safely.  Chesney's mad dash to grab Joseph brought us two interesting sights.  First, we got a look at the revamped Manchester Airport Terminal 2, which looks very glam and scifi.  Secondly, we got masks!  People wearing masks, like they do in the real world!  Ok, it happened at the exact point where everyone in Britain seems to have given up on wearing them but still it was good to see.  Corrie dropped any mask wearing at the first chance it got which - considering it's always banging on about its awareness raising (see Abi's addiction above) - is pretty irresponsible.  Have a few people still wearing masks when they enter a shop or a cafe.  Sally would do it.

Joseph was rescued from his meddling nan who wanted to give him a nice life - what a cow - and brought back to Weatherfield.  Chesney almost immediately told him that he was too busy doing the washing to play with him.  Well done Ches.

I still can't decide whether it was two episodes or four episodes this week, because they were written as half hours then lumped together.  This is the kind of thing that keeps me up at night.  Contact me on Twitter @merseytart and tell me to find something better to do with my time.

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