MONDAY - Episodes originally broadcast 18th and 20th December 1995
Curly and Raquel returned from their
video spin-off honeymoon and broke the news to a surprised Street. Vera was upset at not getting an invite and contemplated sacking Raquel because she didn't want a married barmaid. Meanwhile Bet sent a congratulations card, and asked Raquel to give her clothes to charity. Curly announced his marriage at the shop, disappointing Anne Malone (you want to watch her Norman) and getting himself an invite to the Firman's for dinner. Raquel was anxious, and managed to drop her drink over Mrs Firman. Also returning were Rita and Mavis, with Derek sharing his theory that Reet was behind his missing gnome; she was naturally dismissive. Des fired Liz from the bookies, with Sean's support, claiming that they were overstaffed. Jim, being the calm rational soul he is, immediately tried to clock everyone in sight. He didn't realise that Liz had conspired with Des to leave so she wouldn't be tempted to accidentally sleep with him.
TUESDAY - Episodes originally broadcast 22nd and 25th December 1995
Merry Christmas! Although nothing was very jolly for the McDonald family. For starters, Steve was at the police station. He'd got his hands on some crates of whisky and was passing them off to the neighbourhood. Unfortunately they were all nicked. Vicky tried to conceal it from his family, but then the coppers turned up in the middle of Christmas dinner wanting to search the flat. Also, Steve's car got broken into and his stereo got robbed, which is ironic considering he spent Christmas a few years ago flogging dodgy stereos to the neighbours. The very worst news for him though was that awful beard: his original Satanic goatee had spread all over his face, like a patchy Quatermass Experiment. Meanwhile Andy decided he didn't want to live with Des any more, but Liz told him he couldn't move in with her as Jim would want to know why he'd left. Vera realised that running the pub at Christmas meant there wasn't much time for her personal life, especially as Jack was ill, and ended up collapsing in front of the telly. The Wattses and the Wolstenhulmes arrived at number 7 for their lunch. They assumed Raquel was pregnant and were relieved to find they'd simply rushed into marriage. She made up again with her dad, who'd chucked her out years ago when he found she'd done a nude modelling job. On top of that, Curly was made manager of Firman's now Reg was gone.
WEDNESDAY - Episodes originally broadcast 27th and 29th December 1995
These two episodes of
Coronation Street were, and I don't say this lightly, two of the worst episodes I have seen in a very long time. They weren't funny, they weren't dramatic, they weren't even interesting. The only plus side was we finally got an end to one of the worst plotlines to ever stink up the screen: Derek's damn gnome. He went on Norris's stag do and the drunken groom confessed he'd been the one behind the whole farrago. As revenge, Derek made him late for his wedding, infuriating Angela. A pretty weak form of vengeance, if I'm honest, but if it means the end of it all that's fine with me. (And if you think it's been long and drawn out on ITV3, remember that back in 1995 this plotline went on for
seven months). Curly, meanwhile, was attending the Weatherfield Quadrangle of the Square Dealers, the show's version of the Masons, where he went through a daft initiation ceremony presided over by Fred Elliott. Des told Raquel she should never have married Curly, and she told him to get stuffed, because he was a better man than Des. Maybe you should've tried to buy her affections with a Chieftain tank, Des. And Steve was officially charged with handling stolen goods, so Vicky had a lot of hysterics, and it was all really boring.
THURSDAY - Episodes originally broadcast 1st and 3rd January 1996
The central heating at number 9 packed up, so Gary took it upon himself to try and fix it. Percy generously brought them an electric fire to keep them warm but they soon regretted it when it gave Gary an electric shock. It seemed the house's electrics were dodgy, which was no surprise because it turned out Jack "fiddled with the fusebox and set the Rovers on fire" Duckworth had done the wiring himself. Audrey was outraged to learn there was a video of Alf's investiture at the palace, co-starring Betty. She demanded that he destroy it. Denise went out with her dull-as-ditchwater sister, even though she was persisting with her tedious affair with the awful Brian; I don't believe any of this story to be honest, and it's quite clearly been concocted to facilitate Denise Black leaving the show in a few weeks. Elsewhere, Don saw his barrister about claiming his house, Jim and Bill did some work at Crimea Street and discovered a cast-iron fireplace, and Curly suggested to Anne that she go for assistant manager.
FRIDAY - Episodes originally broadcast 5th and 8th January 1995
Don clattered round the Street, drunk, shouting the odds at Gail and Martin. He'd got it into his head that she was going to tell the barristers about his dirty phone calls to Denise, even though she'd done no such thing. You know how to avoid people saying you're a perv, Don? Don't be a perv. It was Daniel's birthday, and Godmother Rita nipped round with a present (where has she been in modern-day
Corrie, by the way? Maybe Daniel wouldn't be forced to unburden himself to prostitutes if she'd lent an ear). Awful Brian returned to number 1 and tried to persuade Denise to have a bit with him, but she said she'd rather be with Ken. He threatened to tell Alison unless Denise continued with their affair. What a charmer. As a diversionary tactic, Denise proposed marriage to Ken. Judy took time out from reading
Select magazine (front cover star: Menswear) to demand that the Duckworths pay for the rewiring at number 9. They refused, so Gary tried a more underhand technique, getting Jack round to watch the sports channel then getting him plastered. Vera twigged what was happening though and barred the Malletts from the Rovers. And Steve admitted to Vicky he'd known all along the whisky was stolen. She was understandably less than amused.
This is the first time the author has seen most of these episodes because in 1995/96 he was a poor student who didn't have a telly. Please reassure him via Twitter @merseytart that they get better.
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