Five Things We Learned In Corrie This Week

Keep it in your pants.  The Downfall of Ray was this week's big storyline with Bethany on his case; I think we're meant to think she's on a crusade because of her sad past with sexual predators, but actually she just came off as kind of relentless and annoying.  She dragged Daniel into her vendetta even though:

1. Ray is his boss
2. Ray gave him a luxurious wedding for free 
3. Ray has been paying Daniel to sit at home and mourn his dead wife and told him he can return when he feels ready, and 
4. Ray donated all the profits from New Year's Eve to a cancer charity in Sinead's name.  

I'm not saying Daniel should've been his bezzie mate but that's intergalactic levels of ingratitude there.  There was a load of interminable shenanigans at the solicitors where they apparently have the security of a pig pen on a moor and Daniel was able to swipe the contents of a hard drive.  Bethany went rooting around, presumably looking for a folder marked "DIRTY SEXUAL HARASSMENT ANTICS", and instead found a file called "Viaduct Bistro list of employees".

"Wow, what a creep," said Bethany, disgusted than a boss should know where his employees live and how to contact them.  I was more interested in the fact that apparently only six people work in the Bistro, and four of them are members of the cast.

So which one of these two ladies who appeared in Wednesday's episodes is Oscar, and which one's Rikesh, do you think?  And who exactly is cooking the meals?  Even more amusing was Bethany asking "am I in there?" and Daniel having to search through a list of six people to find her name.  The propmaster must've on a half day when he came up with that document.

Next thing you knew, Bethany was printing astonishingly libellous blog posts on the internet (which Daniel described as "visceral", the kind of description of a blog post people only make when they want to get into the pants of the writer), and Ray's life was crashing down around his ears at a charity event as Abi decided to destroy him.  She lined up three of his victims and repeated their accusations, claiming that a gagging order stopped them from talking for themselves; that's still a violation of a non-disclosure agreement, Abi, and Ray's bent lawyer is now going to go after them for the money they were given when they signed.  The most interesting part of this was the realisation that the only member of the permanent cast who now works at the Bistro is Faye.  A few weeks ago it was all Connors all the time and now it's a load of extras.  I wonder if it's going to be receding in importance for a while as a result?

Maria's at it again.  It's been a whole two weeks since Maria suffered from a bout of measles then lost a baby, so obviously she's mad keen to have torrid unbridled sex on the floor of the barber shop.  (Can you imagine?  You'd be picking stray hairs out of your crevices for weeks afterwards).  This time it was with Ali, and clearly it was a good time had by all, because he spent the rest of Friday's episodes with a Cheshire Cat grin slathered all over his face.  Maria was sleeping with Ali because she thought Gary was being a loan shark again - only in Maria World would the logical response to believing your partner is a criminal be "have sex with someone else" - and she returned to the Rose Gold Empire at Victoria Court to pack her bags.  It turned out to be a massive misunderstanding and Gary produced a panel of experts to back him up:

I don't know - if your witnesses are saying things like "yeah he was a loan shark, but compared with the rest he was quite nice" you might still want to consider your relationship.  Gary ended the episode by proposing marriage and, knowing Maria, she'll probably say yes, because she just can't help falling for deeply untrustworthy murderers. When all this is over and done with I hope she forms a support group with Eileen and Gail and they all have each other's backs whenever a dodgy bloke rocks up on the Street.

No more Miss Nice Girl, please.  Alina Pop! is back, getting a job on telesales at Underworld.  She passed the interview with flying colours, though it helped that the interviewer was Sarah-Lou and the only other applicant was Eileen.  Given Sarah's chequered past with both the Grimshaw boys I think she was using the interview as an opportunity to torture her former mother in law.  Anyway, she'd been back on the Street for about fourteen minutes before Seb was offering her the spare room in the hairdresser's flat, right in front of Emma.  Emma, being lovely, agreed to let Alina move in and even started preparing a Welcome Hamper for her.  Look, we had all this before when she was going out with Chesney and graciously stepped aside so he could go with Gemma, not to mention when David was using her to prove his virility when he'd broken up with Shona.  Can we not have the lovely Emma being treated like dirt by yet another man, used to kill time while he decides whether to make a move on his ex?  She deserves so much better.  Maybe she can kick Seb out and then form an alliance with Alina Pop! as girls about town.  I definitely don't want to see those huge brown eyes filling with tears again.

Leeds is another country.  In recent months I've become convinced that the writing staff of the show has been taken over by what I believe the technical term is "Southern nances".  It's not just the casual lattes, the electric car charging points, the reusable straws, the casual nights out in a restaurant, none of which really smack of working class Northern folk.  It's also the shaky grasp on geography.  I'm pretty sure their only visit to the North is the occasional hurried visit to ITV Studios in Salford, taking a first class Pendolino to Piccadilly then an Uber to the studios and trying not to catch rickets from passers-by.  They seem to think everything outside Manchester is some barren post-apocalyptic wasteland broken up by walled settlements with strange names like Liverpool and Preston and Carlisle that can only be reached by eight days of travel in Mad Max-style convoys.  A case in point has been the entire cast spending this week pronouncing Leeds like its's a gum disease, talking about the sheer horror of having to travel to another city, and saying "over the Pennines" as though it's slightly to the west of Mordor.  (Fun fact: Jack P Shepherd was born in Leeds).  It's certainly not the way you talk about a city with a direct motorway link and several fast train lines that can get you there in about an hour.  After his low-speed crash which somehow ended up writing off the car, there were crisis meetings to discuss how you could possibly reach this far off city across the mighty range of mountains without presumably being eaten by dragons.

Here's my suggestion: drop the kids off at school, then take a tram direct to Victoria or Piccadilly, fast train to Leeds station, then a taxi to wherever the rehab place is.  Stay there for a couple of hours, then do the trip in reverse and you can pick the kids up.  Or even better, ask one of your many family members or friendly neighbours with children at the same school to bring the kids home for you, then you can stay later.  (One of the few highpoints of this storyline is the idea that Gail, despite living with David and the children, is absolutely refusing to lend a hand.  I'm imagining her sipping a Bucks Fizz in front of Lorraine while David drives himself to distraction trying to find Lily's school tie).  I know you want to get home before the darkness sets in and the evil that is Leeds closes around you Dave but it is possible.  Bear it in mind for when Shona finally recovers and you can visit again (probably around September I reckon).

Won't somebody think of the children?  Fiz and Tyrone were tearing their hair out after Social Services concluded Jade was a bit bonkers but she wasn't an actual danger to Hope.  However could they stop her seeing her?  Here's a hint: do what that social worker told you weeks ago and simply say "no".  You're Hope's parents; you have the final say on who does and doesn't get to hang out with your daughter.  If you don't like Jade, you don't have to let her see her.  Jade can apply to the court for visitation but there's no guarantee she'll get it - ask any number of aggrieved grandparents who've been denied access after a family bust-up.  It's about time somebody told Hope she couldn't get her own way, especially since it's now affecting poor Ruby.  She's being left behind, and while playing shop with Evelyn calling everyone "modom" looks great fun, it's probably not as exciting as a night at the flicks shoving nachos in your gob.  Ruby might start to conclude that acting like a demon child is how you get what you want and what will Fiz and Ty do then?  Probably cave in again, but you get my drift.

Much as I love Nina, the idea of a cafe with "feel free to join me" signs on the tables fills me with such overwhelming social anxiety I would never darken Roy's door again.  I'd rather have a sarnie in the rain in the community gardens than have a complete stranger plonk themselves down for a gossip.  I'm much more of an online only kind of chap, which is why you can find me on Twitter @merseytart.

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