Five Things We Learned In Corrie This Week

All the vicaring, none of the perks.  Billy moved his busy schedule to accommodate Bertie's christening at the last minute.  It was the Easter weekend, one of the most important events in the Christian calendar, and yet he still found time to come up with a baptismal ceremony.  And what was his reward?  He didn't even get invited to the do at the Bistro.  What is the point of doing somebody a favour if you don't get some free sarnies out of it?  Apart from a place in heaven?  His absence was probably wise, as it avoided the question of exactly what religion we were dealing with here.  With a name like "Sinead Tinker", and with Scouser Doreen Corkhill for a nan, it's highly likely she's a Catholic.  That would explain why the normally heathen Tinkers all reacted with horror at Bertie going un-Christened - good old Catholic guilt.  By not showing the actual Christening, they skipped the bit where Sinead's mum realised it was a boring Church of England ceremony and stormed out.

It's not all funny business.  In the meantime, can we talk about the absolute horror show that was the naming ceremony?  About halfway through it a revelation washed over me: oh, this is supposed to be funny.  Because up until that point I was mainly revolted as everyone chatted about dog poo.  Over and over.  Size, colour - Steve even confessed to examining Rover's stools for consistency.  It was unbearably vulgar and quite revolting.  And the simmering tensions between Ken and Beth were based on a false premise - Ken wouldn't be angry with Beth for dobbing Eccles in, he'd be angry with Claudia for betraying her civic duty and letting a turd lie around in the street.  He'd have handed her the fine to pay and thanked Beth for teaching her a lesson because he is, at heart, a decent community minded person.  As for Kirk's song based around the "hilarious" idea that Our Soles sounds a bit like Arseholes - I just felt sorry for Andrew Whyment, who finally got a storyline involving singing and had to put on a stupid voice rather than impress us with his genuine talent.  The only good part of the whole thing was Tracy Barlow realising what a predictable cliché the naming ceremony was turning into and encouraging the participants to embrace it and chuck cake at one another.  Now let us never speak of it again.

Gemma used to buy pregnancy tests in bulk.  Another week, another shock pregnancy, though at least in this case Gemma admitted she was on the Pill.  Someone using contraception!  It didn't work, but still, it's a start!  It lead to some lovely scenes as Paul gently ribbed her and Rita encouraged her to face her responsibilities and act in a mature fashion.  It was a sweet little surrogate family for Our Reet, and I was inordinately pleased when she went for a pint with Paul later, just the two of them.  (Though I wish he'd buy another pair of trousers; those grey trackies must stink).  This serious, worried Gemma was infinitely preferable to the cataclysmic goblin woman we've seen over the last few weeks, so let's hope this version sticks around and doesn't decide to celebrate becoming a mother by drinking a bottle of Archers on a waltzer or something.  She needs to tell Chesney though, because her plan of keeping it a secret might fail given that he lives over the road.  Mind you, Eva managed to conceal her pregnancy for nine months by simply carrying a coat in front of her stomach at all times, so you never know. 

Alcoholism has its upsides.  Peter falling off the wagon after four years, seven months and twenty-eight days was a difficult topic to show, and needed real sensitivity.  Thankfully, Corrie legend Carmel Morgan was brought in to write the episode, and she turned out a classic that tore at your emotions.  Of course, it was helped by Chris Gascoyne and Alex Bain turning in absolutely blinding performances as well, with Simon making Peter realise how hurtful boozing could be by matching him at knocking back the whiskey.  By the end everyone's emotions were red raw... especially the audience. 

Hide the heavy wrenches.  "I wish there was a big black hole where exes went so you didn't have to see them again," Sarah-Lou wailed to Bethany after she broke up with Gary.  There is Sarah; it's under your garage, and it's where you stored the corpse of Harry's dad for months after you broke up.  If the Platts suddenly decide to get a conservatory, the foundations should probably be inspected for ginger hair.

Joseph was upset about Chesney and Gemma's break up until he got a battered sausage.  Sensible lad.  The author's loyalties can also be bought via deep fried foodstuffs; details can be obtained via Twitter @merseytart.

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