Five Things We Learned In Corrie Last Week

Apologies for the lateness of this week's update.  I was out seeing Ladyboys of Bangkok with Yasmeen and lost track of time.

It's best not to get involved.  You're a cabbie.  You've got an airport run with two women.  The daughter suddenly starts screaming because she's realised it's a one way ticket.  Her lesbian lover starts hammering on the door.  Her husband starts shouting through the other window.  The mother reveals she was planning on kidnapping the daughter.  What do you do?  If you're the guy above, you sit there in absolute silence while bedlam erupts around you, before finally, grudgingly disengaging the central locking.  He really couldn't be bothered with any of the pandemonium, and is therefore my favourite.

Alan Bradley used to call Jenny "his little Fanny".  This raises so many questions, most of which should probably be referred to Operation Yewtree.  Apparently it's because Jenny was such a good cook; this is partly supported by Classic Corrie, as Jenny and Rita seem to spend their whole time preparing and eating their tea.  Every other episode one of them is boiling potatoes or dishing up some kind of anonymous brown slop.  Not that culinary standards have necessarily improved on the Street in thirty years.  Michelle was boasting about her crayfish tails but the scrambled egg white she served up looked like polystyrene, Ali was eating an omelette sandwich, and it turns out the chips in the Bistro are only twice cooked.  I can get triple cooked chips from Markies, Robert; put some effort in.  Of course this entire entry is just an excuse to talk about Drunk Jenny, which was the absolute highlight of Monday's episodes and infinitely more interesting than Michelle being holier-than-thou yet again.  It lead to a panoply of Amazing Jenny Bradley faces, of which this is probably my favourite:

That's Jenny contentedly dozing off in the middle of the Rovers, stuffed full of corned beef.  What a legend.

Knicker stitching is very much like being an astronaut.  Summer was sadly rejected for work experience at the UK Space Agency - possibly because she is a student in northern England, and they are based in Swindon - but good news!  Aidan swept in and offered her a day's work experience in Underworld instead.  Naturally Summer leapt at the chance, mainly because she wants to spend the whole time drinking in Aidan's Aramis and writing Mrs Summer Connor on her workbook.  And with that, the sciences lost another bright female mind.  Fortunately, there's actually a great deal of overlap between astrophysics and the world of lingerie.  Listening to Beth recount the plot of last night's Made in Chelsea above the drone of sewing machines is spookily like being on the International Space Station; in fact Helen Sharman trained for her groundbreaking mission by doing two weeks denim stitching for Mike Baldwin.  Aidan should be careful - what with first Simon and now Summer doing the odd job in Underworld, he's in danger of arrest under child exploitation laws.

Some campaigns are doomed to fail.  The problem with Daniel's FAWN campaign is we know Debbie Rush has left the show.  This puts us in the intriguing position of having a character wrongly imprisoned but, at the same time, never able to return to the Street.  I assume the FAWN HQ will have to be disbanded when the British justice system fails Anna even more.  I actually hope the writers get round it by having the conviction quashed and releasing Anna from gaol, only for her to send Faye and Gary a message that she enjoyed not having to look at their faces so much she's emigrating to Barbados and they'll have to fend for themselves.

Everybody needs a place to think.  Maxine's Bench of Contemplation is out: there's a new spot in town to stare into the middle distance and wait for someone to ask "what's up?".  It looks like quite a nice place, though I'm guessing they thought they'd have better weather in March to show it off than the icy day they ended up with.  The producers clearly hoped that the debut of the pocket park would distract us from the sudden rush of back story we got about Abi.  Turns out she is a fully qualified mechanic, and would you believe it, Webster's Garage has a vacancy now Josh has disappeared!  Some might call that handy, others would call it contrived.  I just spent the whole time wondering if they're ever going to mention Seb's little brother and sister who are in a care home somewhere and seem to have been completely forgotten.

If you have any idea how Gary - a builder - and Sarah-Louise - a barmaid - can afford a flat in the formerly-exclusive Victoria Court, please let the author know on Twitter @merseytart.

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