Fat Brenda's Deep Filled Mince Pie

Happy flamin' Christmas!

Excuse me for not being in the festive spirit loveys but it's been another disastrous Christmas on the cobbles. What have we done wrong to deserve this amount of bad luck? We've had a gas explosion, a tram crash and now we've been visited by the ghost of Christmas past in the shape of Tracy Barlow! Great! Just what we need, a pantomime villain in fishnets! She's a right 'mare that one and the thought of her sneering her way round Weatherfield fills me with dread. She got out of a black cab in a calculated move to hack us off at Streetcars and then came out with summat about Jesus! Right, that's it for Tracy, I'm not gonna give her the satisfaction of talking about her any flamin' more... I might have to talk about her a little bit but I won't enjoy it!

Did any of you hear Rita 'singing' David Essex? A belting performance loveys but was she miming? Are you joking? Of course she was miming. Norris had a tape recorder hidden in his pocket and on Rita's signal he pressed play! She recorded that song in 1988 for Alan Bradley's Christmas present and some say that's what tipped him over the edge into insanity. After Rita's performance I got up and belted out Cliff's 'We Don't Talk Anymore' - now that was real singing - I dedicated it To Sally and Kevin in the hope it would help to heal their hurt but I don't reckon it did.

I bet Sally's glad she swapped houses with the Peacocks. Imagine if she hadn't, her house would be burned to a cinder and she'd have no conservatory for Kevin and baby Jack to live in. He should move in with Tracy so they can have unpopularity contests and see who can get the most people to ignore them in a day. While we're on the subject of Kevin, what the flamin' hell was Rita doing taking Kevin to Emily's for a brew? I still can't believe she did it. I know she's nice and all that but if he'd have kept his monkey wrench tamed he wouldn't be in this situation would he.

I like the way Becky sulks and pouts 'til Steve buys Max and then goes out and steals money from her friends while people are lying dead and injured before going all moody on flamin' Steve! I tell you why you've lost Amy lovey, it's because you've paid for a flamin' kid and it's that kid that will be taken from you if anyone but Tracy finds out! And how did Tracy find out Becky? Because she overheard YOU telling Claire!!!!!! THAT'S FLAMIN' WHY! IT'S NOT STEVE'S FAULT!!!!!! IT'S YOURS!!!!!!!!!!!! Sorry about that loveys but she gets on me flamin' wick does Becky. She never used to but she's bugging me at the moment. I wouldn't tell her that to her face mind, she's terrifying!

It seems that the new Christmas game sweeping Weatherfield is 'pass the baby'. The competitors this week are Tyrone for his faultless passing of baby Jack to Kevin who ended up one nil down. Kevin in desperation to score a point went for a crafty left foot to Sian but it was only a short pass and he ended up having his baby returned along with a good shouting at from Sally. John and Fiz never ones to be beaten passed their baby onto the NHS and went to the pub while Hope tried to muster the strength to live another flamin' day! So this week's 'pass the baby' was won by the Stapes and they get first prize, a Kerry Katona baby care manual signed by her liposuction surgeon!

If you want to tweeter me and help me out of me post Christmas grump then click on this thing that's here. No more bad news please Weatherfield, I don't think I can cope!