Five Things We Learned In Corrie This Week

Summer lasts forever.  I have news for you: Summer Spellman is now pregnant and OH MY GOD WHO CARES.  I'm sorry, I've had enough now.  Over the last year or so Summer has been diabetic and been run over and had body issues and boyfriend problems and got into Oxford and then didn't get into Oxford and honestly my cup of sympathy runneth dry.  I don't care.  Summer v.1 was admittedly a bit of a goody two shoes but at least she wasn't in every other episode.  This new one seems to pop up every Friday night with a new crisis that will carry her along for a couple of weeks.  She'll be turning up in the next episode, full of angst and crying because she's got a splinter or something.  This is nothing against Harriet Bibby, who is an actress earning a wage and I will always support that, but honestly, even she must be wanting a couple of weeks off for a holiday or something.  

Also, can we talk about the fact that Summer, of all people, is pregnant?  This is a girl who didn't lose her virginity until she had it mapped out on an Excel spreadsheet.  In all of that, the idea of contraception never once came up?  Summer would've sat Aaron down with a Powerpoint presentation explaining about STDs and pregnancy and why exactly he would need to wrap it up.  Also, didn't they only start doing it about six weeks ago?  That's barely any time to notice you're pregnant.  She must have a menstrual cycle more accurate than an atomic clock.  

Perhaps the funniest moment of all this was the idea that Chesney thought he might have got Gemma pregnant.  Considering they had sex once and ended up with four kids there is no way that those two don't use every contraception available.  Gemma is definitely on the pill and has a coil and Chesney uses eight condoms and maybe even a bin bag held in place with an elastic band before every session; I'm surprised he hasn't performed a homemade vasectomy with a bread knife just to make sure.  There is more chance of me getting pregnant than Gemma.

Sisters are doing it for themselves.  The Rovers is now being run by a cabal of vulnerable, fractious women with multiple issues and frankly, I wouldn't have it any other way.  Truly one of the greatest pleasures in this week's episodes was watching the girls behind the bar gossip and bitch.  That's what I watch this show for, for Glenda taking a photo of Stephen's tenner as evidence of payment, for Gemma arriving for her shift in a ball of sparkles, for Daisy finding literally everything everyone else does kind of disgusting.  I really, really hated Daisy on her arrival, and I maintain that I was absolutely correct in this instinct: any character who says she enjoys ripping people off, as Daisy did during the whole Sean Double Glammy farrago, is hideous.  Fortunately the writers have realised that an unabashed psychopath isn't a great addition to the Street, and instead Daisy has become a social media lunatic who purses her lips at the slightest deviation from the norm: this is infinitely preferable and Charlotte Jordan is so good at doing it.  She's still probably too good for boring old Daniel, mind.

Dance like no-one's watching. I'm not sure if Harvey's reappearance was already planned for this time of year or if it's a shameless cash-in on Will Mellor appearing on Strictly.  If you've not been following the Corrie/Strictly antics - perhaps because you don't like spending your Saturday evenings watching a television programme full of joy and happiness because you are dead inside - Will Mellor survived having a cold that made him look like one of the Living Dead doing a rumba and is still in the show.  Instead, the bottom two place that week went to Exalted Queen Of The Universe Michelle Connor, aka Kym Marsh, who is so over being in Strictly it's kind of hilarious.  Basically Kym turned up, realised she wasn't going to win, and checked out so fast she's left a Kym-shaped ball of dust dancing for her instead.  If Elstree studios was hit by an asteroid on Tuesday rendering the entire ballroom a crater Kym would shrug her shoulders apathetically.  She's still in the show, for the time being, thanks to a dance to Ballroom Blitz that wasn't even as interesting as the last time they did Ballroom Blitz, and she can continue to cash the cheque for another week.  Sorry, this was meant to be about Coronation Street, wasn't it?  Ok, Will Mellor looks quite hot in prison garb, will that do.

Justice is swift.  I hate to return to the whole Charley murder story because I've hated all of it and it's all nonsense.  I will congratulate the Weatherfield justice system for sentencing Bridget and Lucy within forty eight hours of them confessing to their crime.  That's pretty amazing.  No pleas for extenuating circumstances, no psychologist's reports into what could've induced a child to kill, no defence of any kind.  Just "I'm banged to rights guv, send me down" and fifteen years in the clink handed out before breakfast.  Presumably this is so we can have another precocious eleven year old in the show, because Hope and Sam aren't enough. I was hoping Yasmeen would pop up at some point and say "look, taking in the homeless guy was one thing, but I didn't agree to all his hangers on" and discreetly point Stu in the direction of a housing association.  On the plus side Speed Daal appears to be full of customers again so thank goodness that storyline has been resolved by the method of everyone stopping talking about it.

Here's to the ladies who lunch.  For the love of God will someone explain the concept of "evening meal" to the Platts?  After weeks of forcing Audrey into a bunch of celebratory lunches she didn't want to go to they commemorated Natasha's death with yet another mid-morning meal that meant half the family couldn't turn up.  I'm no child psychologist but I think Sam might've had a nicer time at the memorial if he was hanging out with Lily and Harry and Max instead of a bunch of old people yammering on about trauma.  Also, I wish Nicky would arrange this somewhere he didn't get staff discount for a change, the cheapskate.  On the plus side, we never got to hear Sam's poem, which was almost certainly worse than Covid.  It did lead to Audrey and Sam having a fantastic time together, though part of me wondered if Audrey has finally stopped calling him Ben.  It'd be amazing if they'd had a lovely bonding experience while she still didn't know his name.

This post was written by Scott's evil doppelgänger, who looks quite a lot like him and commits terrible crimes that he gets blamed for, so if you've got any complaints direct them to him and not to Twitter @merseytart.

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