Five Things We Learned In Corrie This Week

Parting is such sweet sorrow.  Right now HBO are debuting their big budget prestige drama about the life of chef Julia Child.  And for the lead role they've cast Raquel Wolstenhulme, although she's pretending to be called Sarah Lancashire these days, presumably to try and stop Curly from ever finding her.  Let's hope that Alexandra Mardell has a massive international TV hit in her future too because she deserves it.  Emma Brooker was very much the 21st Century Raquel, funny and ditzy and adorable, but sadly she never got the same level of material.  Time and again the men of the Street used her to pass the time while pining after another woman - it was deeply unfair and sad.  Then she finally met a man who was handsome and clever and who seemed to adore her, and he turned out to be a pathological liar, so that was the end of that.

She's ended up with Jon who I think is meant to be wild and spontaneous and exciting but is actually astonishingly dull.  He's also way too forgiving to my mind - yes, it's nice that your granddad's last moments were spent in delightful company, so long as you ignore the fact that the only reason they were his last moments were because Faye and Emma mowed him down.  Couldn't she have simply decided to relocate Down Under because her life in Weatherfield was a nightmare?  Her mum lives out there, she's been there before, and there's a significantly smaller chance of a tram falling on her.  Did she have to get a boyfriend before she went?  If I was Emma I'd ditch him the minute they landed at Melbourne International.  Assuming she makes it there, of course; Jon's suggestion that she simply flies to the other end of the Earth and then "sorts everything out" regarding her Indefinite Leave To Remain may not go down well with Australian Border Control.  They don't tend to like people turning up for a week's holiday then asking to stay for the rest of their life.  

Emma's send off party was, like so much else in her time in the show, not what she deserved.  The McDonald family, plus Audrey (because they remembered she used to work in the salon) and Gemma (because they remembered they were friends before Emma inexplicably started hanging out with Faye).  Where were Chesney and the quads to accompany Gemma?  Or her former colleagues Maria and David?  Or her boss Jenny, or workmates Daisy and Sean?  I'm increasingly wondering if these slimmed down casts aren't due to "Covid protocols" but are instead the producers refusing to put their hands in their pocket and pay for stuff.  Sam's chess tournament relocating to the Bistro and Laura dying in the existing hospital set without going to a hospice also smacked of tightness.

This does mean that Steve has lost another of his kids, though at least this one isn't dead.  Well, not yet.  The show has developed a nasty habit of killing characters who move away for no real reason - remember Katie?  Or Kirsty?  Please don't do that here, Corrie: give us the hope that one day Emma will float back into the show as a ray of joy and sunshine.  We really need those.

Put your past behind you.  Kelly was thrilled with the location for the swanky hairdressing awards.  "I've never been in a place this posh before!" she cooed.  Well, yes you have Kelly, because that's the Chariot Square Hotel, the exact hotel where you tried to charge your mobile phone while you were homeless and ended up getting sexually harassed by a pervy businessman.  They might've chucked a few ribbons on the chairs but it's clearly the same.  Also, it's not posh, it's the actual pits.

Kelly won her award and was interviewed on live TV, because we all tune in on a regular basis to find out who won Trainee Barber of the Year.  It goes Oscars, Eurovision, Northwest Regional Stylists Awards, then the Strictly final.  She celebrated by getting absolutely hammered on cheap champagne - although let's be honest, it was probably prosecco - and complained to Simon that she wasn't used to getting intoxicated to that level.  Hasn't she been hospitalised for taking drugs at least twice?  

All this excitement meant she missed out on being there when Laura finally passed away.  I've already been vocal about my disappointment at them doing away with a good, sparky character like Laura, and worse, doing it through the medium of "sudden onset cancer that comes out of nowhere definitely incurable".  So I'm not going to repeat myself.  I will, however, note that her death means that Kelly joins Max, Summer, Nina and Jenny Bradley on the list of current characters in the show who lost both their parents before they left their teens.

For those of you keeping count, Nicky and Sarah-Louise, Ryan, Liam, Hope and Harry all lost their dad as children, while Peter, Kevin and Debbie, Simon, Adam, Aadi and Asha, Jack, Faye, Joseph, Ruby, Lily, Alya and Zeedan, Bertie, and Sam all lost their mother before they were 18.  (Additionally, Jake's birth mother Tina was murdered).  I think that's the lot, but I may have missed one or two.  It's hard to keep track.  Basically what I'm saying is: stop killing mums and dads, Corrie, because it's getting silly now.

King takes queen.  The chess storyline entered its four hundredth month and, sensing that the audience may be dying of boredom, the writers decided to pep things up by introducing some GRATUITOUS SEX.  It appears that little Sam has developed something of a crush on chess prodigy Jalena and it distracted him from his play.  It's a tale as old as time; the hormones kick in for boys and suddenly any thought of self-improvement or education is immediately binned in favour of trying to get a glimpse of bra.  Frankly it's a wonder men achieve anything at all.  

At least it will cheer up Nicky.  He may not be able to talk to Sam about chess, or space, or indeed anything that requires more than four braincells, but he's a true expert at letting his penis dictate his actions.  He's got a lifetime of experience to share with his son.

Maybe rein in the appalling sexism though, Nicky.

Tyrone is a Hot Dad.  Look, I'm just reporting the facts, ok?  Ty spent much of the week biting his lip and pretending he was perfectly ok with his kids moving away from Coronation Street.  I'm not really sure where Phill's new house is - apparently it's close enough for the girls to stay in school and Fiz to continue working at Underworld and for the walkie-talkies between Hope and Sam to still work but it's far enough away that it's a hassle to get to?  It sounds lovely anyway, a proper period property with dado rails and big rooms.  Let's hope Fiz decorates it a bit more tastefully than she did number 9, although the presence of that horrible peacock painting in the back of the van doesn't point to a sudden attack of minimalist chic.  

Tyrone finally confessed to Fiz that he was anxious about her move as he didn't want to be a "weekend dad".  Fiz showed a lot more restraint than I would; I'd have replied "maybe you should've thought about that before you diddled an Eastern European nail technician" and chucked his pint in his face.  Instead she gracefully suggested an organised pattern of shared parenting.  I'm mostly worried about who gets custody of Evelyn.  I thought she was going to move in with Fiz, but she seemed to be abandoned in number 9.  When that sells where will she go?  Is she really going to share a bachelor pad with Tyrone?  You can't expect her to climb the steps to the hairdresser flat every day.  

Test twice to be sure.  So it turns out Faye isn't pregnant after all.  This came as no surprise to literally anyone watching as it's hard to believe Faye and Craig have ever kissed, much less had sex.  I'm not sure what the opposite of screen chemistry is but these two have it in droves; if you told me that they filmed their scenes separately and then they spliced the footage together in a computer I'd absolutely believe you.  And Craig, especially, is a completely non-sexual being - I'm not entirely sure he knows how to do it.  He's probably putting it in her ear.

It was a week of humiliations for the pair.  First Craig was coerced into singing Kiss Me Honey Honey Kiss Me, a performance so bad that Dame Shirley Bassey has instructed her lawyers to ban ITV from ever using her songs again.  And then it turns out Faye can't work out whether she's having a baby or not.  This follows on from Abi a few weeks ago, who also couldn't work out if she was having a baby or not; a decent gynaecologist would make a mint in Weatherfield.  Faye reckoned the antihistamines might have interfered with her hormones, but it's entirely possible she found "peeing on a stick" too complicated and simply guessed what the result might be. She had to do an embarrassing tour of all the relatives apologising for getting their hopes up about a grandchild, though I expect Tim especially was secretly relieved.  At least Craig got to return to the police force.  The thing he was most excited about as he resumed his law enforcement duties?  The sense of responsibility, the desire to make a change in the world, the joy of cracking open the skull of some beardy leftie protestor?  No, Craig was really looking forward to the custard in the canteen.  What a credit to the force he is.

The author is pleased to see that Gary Windass is a modern man who has no problem with doing the ironing.  I've got some stuff that needs doing if you want to nip round, Gary.  Contact me on Twitter @merseytart to discuss rates and also what you'll be wearing while you do it.

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