Five Things We Learned In Corrie This Week

There is such a thing as too much sex.  I'm not a prude.  I'll get that out of the way first.  I love a bit of smut.  And I've always applauded Tim and Sally's generally passionate nature.  It's good to have a married couple - a married couple in their fifties at that - who have love one another, who fancy one another, who have a full and active sex life.  Having said that, did we really have to hear quite so much about it this week?  It tipped over from "mildly amusing innuendo" into full-on and frank discussions of their absolute horniness and it became vulgar.  It reminded me of how the Carry On films are charming filth for all the family, how as a nation we like nothing better than settling down to watch Sid James ogle a girl half his age, except for the later ones where they gave up being subtle and just stuck nudity and sex in them.  Those ones don't tend to get repeated on ITV3 at Christmas.  It was all much more entertaining when the Metcalfes were talking in double entendres rather than Tim barely stopping short of getting his penis out and waving it at the camera.

Here's an idea Sal: if you don't want Tim's mum to walk in on you having sex in the living room, don't have sex in the living room.  I get that you're trying to mix it up but it's been months and your husband has been through quite a significant physical trauma.  Maybe start with a seductive massage or a few candles before you go into the kinky role play sessions.  And a quick reminder that during the course of their relationship, Tim and Sally's spare room has played host to:

• Sophie
• Rosie
• Faye (and Craig for a while)
• Gina
• Abi
• even Gary Windass

and apparently only now are they worried that their vigorous lovemaking will be audible through the walls.  I've got a newsflash Sally: Sophie didn't like hearing the noise of your frenetic rutting any more than Paula Wilcox does. Maybe, instead of some Midnight Moonlight Magic paint, you should invest in a bit of soundproofing, or at least turn on the radio while you're at it.

Keep a spare handy.  A few years ago, Michelle's heartbreak over losing her baby with Steve was made even worse when she discovered he had a spare child in the form of Oliver.

A few years after that, Leanne's heartbreak over Oliver's illness was made even worse when she discovered Nicky had a spare child in the form of Sam.

Now we've got Toyah's anxiety over adopting Elsie made even worse now she's learned Imran has a spare child in the form of Alfie.  It's not quite the same - thankfully Elsie isn't dying - but still, finding out your partner has secretly fathered a son is bad enough without piling on a load of other child-based traumas.  At least Toyah went to Leanne for support after she found out; we don't get enough of the Battersby girls together.  I was hoping Leanne would barrel down the Street and smack Imran in the gob but she's much classier these days so she'll probably restrict herself to a few acidic glances.

Incidentally, my partner works in the Family Court, and he asked me to point out the many, many inaccuracies in how the show portrayed Alfie's case.  I won't go into them all here because even I was bored hearing about them but we'll start with Abi would have 100% got Legal Aid for her case, so Imran wouldn't have had to pay for any of it; there would've been a guardian appointed to look over Alfie right from the minute he was abandoned and that guardian would be involved in the proceedings; Toyah wouldn't have been allowed to sit in the court earwigging when she's not part of the family; and Council Social Workers don't tend to be cold heartless hellspawn intent on wrenching children from their mothers' arms, but instead really want to encourage families to stay together and heal.  None of that is anywhere as near dramatic of course so I understand why the scriptwriters simply made a load of stuff up but I had to listen to my partner bang on about it all Wednesday evening so I'm sharing some of the pain.

Whatever happens, I hope this doesn't mean Elsie is packed off back to the orphanage, because she is the most delightful child to arrive on the Street for years.  She's a ray of sunshine and deserves better.

Make your mark.  The cast of Corrie is so huge these days it's rare that we even get any guest roles.  The odd policewoman, an irate driver, nothing you can really get your teeth into.  So it was a pleasure to get Marvyn Dickinson as a super camp estate agent in Friday's episode, grabbing hold of the script and wrestling a couple of minutes of character comedy out of it.  He was over the top and funny, banging on about the sales market in Weatherfield and gabbing across Phill and Fiz, and it was a joy to see.  That's the kind of performance that gets you invited back for more - just ask Mary and Beth.

They're having trouble selling number 9 because apparently the sinkholes have put everyone off buying a house in Coronation Street.  Not to mention, presumably, the recent threat of a skyscraper being built across the road, the odd tram or train plunging off the viaduct, the two unexploded World War II bombs found in the area, the mine works that caused number 7 to literally fall into the ground in the Sixties, plus Underworld exploding every five years or so.  Add to that a crime rate higher than Tijuana and the statistically high odds that someone on the Street will turn out to be your secret love child and frankly Fiz may as well burn down the house and claim on the insurance because that's the only way she'll get some cash out of it.

Jon is cheese.  While discussing the merits of a Continental breakfast, Emma likened her new boyfriend to cheese.  I think we were meant to take this as a compliment, that he was the finest Stilton or a rich Brie, but actually all I could think of was those cans of spray cheese Americans eat to annoy snobby Europeans.  They're utterly devoid of any flavour and are completely artificial and that's pretty much Jon.  He's astonishingly bland, and if he's the great love who is finally going to give Emma her happy ending, it's a hell of a let down.  Curtis was way better for her and he was a pathological liar.  

Check mate.  Oh my God, is this Sam/chess storyline still happening?  This seems to be its eighteenth month.  The incredible twists this week were twofold.  Firstly, we learned Sam is no longer into space, and didn't want to go to Space Camp.  I'm not surprised, there's a real danger you'll end up trapped on a space shuttle with Joaquin Phoenix (little joke for my fellow children of the Eighties there).  Nicky soon twigged that it was because chess had taken over his imagination, and suggested he try a different board game, like Kerplunk.  I have to say I do enjoy the writers' constant insinuations that Nicky is desperately in over his head trying to intellectually match his son.  There's something wonderful about watching him constantly get outthought by a ten year old.  

Secondly, Nicky discovered Sam's play book, and deduced that he was still regularly having competitions with Roy.  This lead to my favourite line of dialogue of the week:

Can you imagine the horror?!?!  Leanne took him to one side and pointed out that there are much worse things a ten year old could be doing than spending his evenings playing chess with a man in his sixties.  Take a look at Hope; at least Sam isn't trying to incinerate vulnerable Romanian women.  Hopefully Nicky will realise he's overreacting and will let Sam carry on playing and then we will never hear another word about chess ever again.

The author has a new ambition: to have a lock in at the cafe with the girls of the Street and a bottle of wine.  It looks like a riot.  Ok, maybe just Nina and Amy and Asha.  Send me an invite via Twitter @merseytart.

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