Five Things We Learned In Corrie This Week

Evil triumphs.  I'm not saying I'd have her over for dinner, but there was something ridiculously appealing about how unashamedly awful Grace was this week.  Right from that very first "hiyaaaa!" she was a preening, strutting agent of chaos, rolling her eyes at simple humanity and smirking every time she got to threaten Ed and Aggie.  She doesn't have a single redeeming feature and there's a brilliance to that.  It was great fun watching her revel in her vileness. The moment when she went from tearfully "confessing to Michael":

...to cackling with joy at her sheer vindictiveness...

...was the most terrifying shift in personality since that Barclays advert where the call centre woman tried to get your bank details.  On Wednesday, she had a lengthy speech about how she didn't love Glory and didn't feel maternal towards her, which could've been the human centre of her, but I'm choosing to believe was Grace lying for a new level of wickedness.  She simply decided to play with Michael's mind for the sheer heck of it.  I hope she returns every few months to be progressively more and more evil, like Terry Duckworth used to, and by 2025 she's operating out of a concrete bunker in an island in the Manchester Ship Canal surrounded by piranha and threatening to unleash germ warfare on the community centre.   

It helps that the target of her machinations is the Bailey family because it's easy to side with anyone who makes their lives miserable.  Look, we've all given them a chance, we've tried our best, but they've been in the show for three years now and they're as boring as hell.  I'll keep Aggie, because she can be good fun, but the men are all varying degrees of useless.  Have Grace burn number 3 to the ground with the blokes inside while Aggie's on the night shift and we can all move on.

You can't mistake her biology.  There are few joys in the Abi storyline at the moment, but I do love the way literally not one character believes the key plot point that she didn't know she was pregnant.  Every time she mentions it to someone they reply with a variation on "are you thick?" or "haven't you already been pregnant twice?".  It's like a member of the audience was somehow allowed to sneak on set and write some of the dialogue.  

Imran spent most of the week wandering round in a daze as he tried to cope with the fact that he was now a dad.  How furious do you think the producers were when he handed in his notice?  Here they are, crafting one of those massive big secret that could destroy everything storylines, and Charlie de Melo went "nah, not interested, I'm off."  I wouldn't count on the door being left open for the character to return, put it that way; Imran's car will probably crash into a fireworks factory and he'll be blown into a million pieces.  

Abi, meanwhile, was left hunting for somewhere to live.  This was before Imran learned he was a dad, but the set designers left subtle hints that she should really tell him by advertising flats on "Fathers Lane" and "Paternity Way".  Presumably the director thought "Imran'sTheDaddy Road" was a little too on the nose and made them take it down.  She tried living with Kevin, but tried to cop a feel, so that was the end of that, until Toyah paid her deposit and got her a flat, which is absolutely a very normal thing for someone you barely know to do.  The flat, incidentally, is "by the precinct" - the same precinct the show announced they'd be building on the backlot only last week.  What are the chances, eh?

Politics is a dirty business.  Maria learned how fickle the press can be when her worthy but dull speech about tree planting was overshadowed by her political rival turning up with a pair of footballers and everyone started photographing that instead.  (Didn't James tell Sally a couple of months ago that County players had been specifically instructed not to get involved in politics?  Never mind).  Does Maria have any policies beyond "pollution: it's bad" by the way?  Does she have views on anything that isn't traffic or dry shampoo?  Of course she doesn't, she's Maria, but the voters might want a bit more.

Her rival Bernard was, incidentally, played by Derren Litten, comic actor and creator of Benidorm, who really should've been in Corrie a long time ago.  He managed to be ridiculously smug and comprehensively outclassed Maria in his four seconds of screentime so she became quite desperate, what with the election being next week and everything.  (Yes, the election's next week, but she only started putting posters up last week, go with it).  Phill reckoned he had a killer blow that would win the fight for her.  Perhaps it's another picture of her rival committing a public order offence and Maria will get the seat by default.  A win for Maria would be a powerful statement by the producers on the dangers of not interacting with local politics - if you don't vote, look what could happen - although I don't think that's actually the message they're aiming for.

Still, it could be worse - remember when Kirk was almost mayor?  If he'd won Weatherfield would be a smoking crater by now.  He wandered round the show this week doing his usual schtick of misunderstanding basic concepts and talking a load of nonsense and I realised I've had enough of this.  When Kirk was a young naive lad this was mildly amusing, but he's forty years old now and he's not getting any wiser.  It's reaching the stage where I'm starting to wonder if there should be some medical intervention; maybe it's like when they discovered Homer Simpson had a crayon stuck up his nose that affected his intelligence.  Get him in the General for an x-ray - there might be a Chewbacca wedged in his cranium and he's secretly a genius.  

People change.  I think we can all agree that Jack James Ryan must be a lovely, lovely person behind the scenes, because this current version of Jacob bears very little resemblance to the one who appeared in the show last year.  They've retooled the character completely to try and get the actor back in the programme which I'm not against at all - remember how vile Kylie Turner was in her first appearances, before she reappeared as David's fiancé? - but it does mean you have to willingly forget everything that happened before.  Would 2021 Jacob have done a Bruce Forsyth impression?  Would 2021 Jacob have gulped in fear at the prospect of an evening out with Tracy and Steve?  Of course not.  He'd have put his feet on the table, told Steve his daughter was great in bed, and ordered the most expensive booze on the menu.

Amy's off living with Jacob in his bedsit now, though how they're paying for it we don't know because we still don't know what he does for a living.  If he's not flogging drugs any more what does he do?  Is he back on the chippy deliveries?  Tracy rightly pointed out that she'd done the same thing. living with Robert in a bedsit in Hackney; she skipped past when she was 16 and lived with a sullen youth named Craig, although that might be because she had a different head then and had trouble remembering.  I'm sure Amy will be back once the McDonalds realise she's an actual grown up now and start treating her as such.  Never mind playing cards with Amy in the back room at number 1, Steve, take her out for a pint.

Lawyers: know the law.  No wonder Barlow Legal Services never seem to win any cases.  Adam got charged with threatening behaviour and criminal damage and his very first thought was to find Lydia and scream abuse at her in the middle of the Street, before phoning her and leaving harassing messages on her voicemail.  Breaking your bail conditions about four minutes after they were issued, very smart.  

Adam couldn't win whatever he tried this week.  He tried to move on with a random trollop in the pub, only for Daniel and Daisy to shove their oar in and cause him to get a patented Drink In The Face In The Rovers.  He tried to be civilised with Sarah-Lou for Harry's sake, offering to take him to "that film he wanted to see", but she refused to let him see the boy.  She claimed it was so he didn't end up confused but it was more likely she simply couldn't remember where she left Harry.  And worst of all, his hair is growing out again.

Blimey.  Take him back soon Sarah; he left all his mousse and Brylcreem at Redbank and if you don't give him visitation rights that mop will quickly become uncontrollable.

If you know where I can get a pair of Gary Windass's checked trousers, please let the author know via Twitter @merseytart.  Especially if they're the pair Gary actually wore.

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