Five Things We Learned In Corrie This Week

Remember what you've got.  Picture the scene.  It's the office of producer Iain MacLeod, and a concerned auditor knocks on the door.  "I've just been going through the accounts, Mr MacLeod...?"

"Yes?"

"You appear to be paying someone called 'Ellie Leach' a salary to be in the programme."

"Yes, she plays Faye Windass."

"And when was she last in the show?"

"Well, that was... oh heck!  We put her in prison and forgot about her!"

Hence this week's mad dash to Free Faye after months of her not even being mentioned, never mind getting an appearance fee. Tim finally decided to visit his daughter and discovered that she wasn't having a great time.  (She even mentioned Seb's death, what with her being the character who brought Seb into the show in the first place, and not having previously had a moment to reflect on it).  Within twenty four hours, Debbie had unleashed a foolproof blackmail plot that saw Ray changing his plea and Faye's appeal being put immediately on the slate.

Don't concentrate too hard on the details though.  The important point was they got Faye back in the programme, so they simply copied and pasted the details of Kelly's release a couple of weeks ago.  A young girl had been locked up for a violent crime with an extremely dodgy bloke concealing the truth; he then changed his story and voila! Instant appeal.  Remember, Faye was locked up for assaulting Adam, not Ray (I think - it was a very long time ago) and so it didn't really matter what Ray said.  And even then, it's highly unlikely Ray would've ever got the blame for Johnny's death, what with him being in actual prison at the time.  If I burned down your house, and it took you a year to fix it, and then the roof collapsed on someone inside, it wouldn't be my fault - it would be your fault for not getting the house fixed.  Still, it was good to see Ray again, however briefly.  He was a good baddie, wasn't he?  And he never once bothered waving a gun around.

Simplicity is for fools.  People in Weatherfield lead very complicated lives, don't they?  And often unnecessarily.  I'm not entirely sure why Daniel and Daisy have decided to make their relationship a secret, other than to create a lot of difficulty for no apparent reason.  If people don't like the idea of you two going out now, do you honestly think they'll think better of it in a couple of months time?  Just crack on with things and then you don't have to simmer with jealousy every time a striker for Wethy County turns up in the Street.  (Between Ashley Hardcastle, James Bailey, Corey and the legendary Tommy O, the Rovers is basically Stringfellows for County players these days; you're more likely to run into a striker sharing a half with Ken Barlow than you are finding them on the actual pitch).  The person I feel sorry for in their romantic shenanigans is Paul, who is ostensibly sharing a flat with Daniel but has been completely absent throughout this entire storyline.  Presumably every time Daisy comes round he gets locked in his room with a bottle of Coke and a comic to keep him quiet.

  

Another one trying desperately hard to make her life harder than it needs to be is Kelly, who's now homeless because of her abject refusal to tell anyone she's in trouble.  She's got half a dozen people offering help and desperately calling her and begging her to talk to them but she'd rather go to the hotel room of a random business pervert than admit to Toyah she could do with a fiver.  She has at least encountered Stu now, King Of Weatherfield's Displaced Persons, and he's showing her how to get her hands on the old egg and cress sandwiches at the back of Freshco.  I hope she treats him better than Sean treated Homeless Carol.  Stu told her that he'd just got an innocent girl freed by handing over valuable evidence in a murder trial and Kelly didn't say anything, not even a thank you, because as I say, some people just want to make their lives as difficult as possible.  

Still, at least it looks like Kelly has access to Pantene while she kips on the streets, so it could be worse.  Hopefully this will all be over before she's forced to resort to Lidl's own brand shampoo.  Perhaps Imran and Toyah will remember that Laura was actually convicted of child cruelty and neglected Kelly so much she was put in care and they'll realise that maybe leaving her to "stay with her mum" isn't such a great idea after all.

Say goodbye with dignity.  On Wednesday we got the day we'd all been dreading: Johnny's funeral.  I tuned in fearfully, worried I wouldn't be able to cope, but then Jenny announced Kate wouldn't be attending and I realised it was going to be okay.  There wasn't actually an explanation for why Kate couldn't fly in from the Far East for her own father's send off - after all, Gail flew back from Thailand for Norris's funeral - but in my head it's because she was caught trying to take a bag of ket into Singapore and she's been locked up for the rest of her life.

Johnny's funeral was a pretty muted affair, a reminder that the show just doesn't do big send offs any more.  There was a distinct lack of attendees who weren't in some way Connor-adjacent; only Daniel wasn't related to the deceased.  Where were all the employees from Underworld who knew him - Sean had worked for him at the factory and behind the bar, for example?  Where were all those millions of business contacts he'd built up, like that weird sexist bloke from a few weeks back?  

The wake was yet sadder - Ryan didn't even bother turning up for that.  Yes, I'm sure there are probably Covid restrictions on some of this, but not long ago we were getting extras dancing in a party tent and stunt people and emergency service personnel everywhere you looked.  A bit of careful editing and you could've had a much more fitting send off, both for the character and for the Street.  A few more bodies in the pub to make it feel like a proper goodbye.  Come on, are you seriously telling me there was a buffet going begging and Evelyn wasn't straight in there with a Tupperware for the leftovers?

Nice guys finish last.  I love Phill.  I love his genuine sweetness.  I love that both the girls think he's ace.  I love that he is a huge great bear of a man who makes every other character look like an Oompa-Loompa.  I love that he's a new character who doesn't have a DARK SECRET that THREATENS THE STABILITY OF EVERYTHING; he's just an ordinary bloke who met a woman he quite likes and wants to make her happy.  I think he's probably the nicest new character since Wayne a few years ago, and so I am waiting for my heart to be broken.  Either he's going to turn out to secretly be a murderer or a terrorist, or Tyrone and Fiz are going to get back together and he's going to look sad and heartbroken and slowly walk away into the distance like Bruce Banner at the end of The Incredible Hulk.  Don't go Phill!  Stay here and be a ray of hope in the miserable world of Weatherfield!  (Although having said all that, the fact that he spells his name with two Ls is very irritating indeed).

Celebrate good times - come on!  Roy felt that the Street had been suffering an overdose of darkness recently, what with the murders and the drownings and the general air of misery, so he thought a big Christmas market would be just the thing to bring the community together.  Absolutely right Roy; after all, everyone had such a great time at that Hallowe'en party a couple of weeks ago that resulted in two deaths and most of David Platt's back yard disappearing without trace.  No, that's not fair; he was specifically talking about a festive celebration, like that one in 2019 that ended with a man being pushed to his death off a helter-skelter and Shona getting shot in the stomach and it somehow giving her brain damage.  Yes, those are exactly the kind of cheery events I can't wait to see recreated, and I look forward to a lovely few hours of gluhwein and carolling before the Christmas tree topples over and crushes two of the quads to death.

Sally and Maria, as newly self-appointed community leaders, threw themselves wholeheartedly behind the scheme, with just the venue to be decided.  Maria suggested closing Victoria Street for the market because it would help lower emissions; yeah, six hours of no traffic will make all the difference to Liam's lungs, and let's hope all the CO2 being pumped out by the patio heaters and gas ovens won't harm the environment, eh?  Apparently holding it by the brewery is still out, presumably because it's pockmarked with sinkholes, but that does raise the question: is anyone filling in those holes?  If not, why not?  And am I the only person who still cares?

The author still misses Wayne.  Join the campaign for his return on Twitter @merseytart.

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