Five Things We Learned In Corrie This Week

I'm so tired.  There was a point during this week's Corrie where I turned to my long-suffering partner and asked, "why are we still watching this programme?"  Because it was dreadful.  The dialogue, the plots, everything.  There was a strong streak of stupid running through all of it, where perfectly normal storylines - a boy becoming ill, a trial, a relationship break-up - were infused with daft twists and contrivances.  I'm not sure what it was, exactly, that prompted my question; it may have been when Liam earnestly asked his mother "Why can't people just ride bikes?".  Yeah, go and tell your stepdad that next time he does a house clearance he has to cart the wardrobe away on a BMX.

In amongst all of this, Maria's reaction to Liam's asthma was quite easily the stupidest part.  I'm not diminishing asthma at all - it's a terrible condition and people die from it all the time.  But if my son collapsed in the street, unable to breathe, and the doctors said "it's asthma" I'd be mostly relieved.  Asthma is common and treatable - we all knew kids at school with inhalers.  Maria's reaction however was to go absolutely ballistic because the doctor happened to mention pollution as a factor.  Are they really saying that the car parking issue is what caused Liam's asthma, because that's been a problem for literally a fortnight?  Also, parked cars aren't a problem because parked cars aren't actually belching out any pollution at all.

Maria became a one woman campaigner for the environment, Greta Thunberg in D&G denim, although in a really hyper-focussed way.  She decided that Liam's asthma was all the fault of one single van that Underworld owned.  Not their main van, because Sarah pointed out that it was a hybrid; no, a previously unseen second van, one that didn't have any Underworld branding on it, almost as if they'd bought an old wreck cheap for the purpose of Maria smashing it up.  Which she did.  Like I said, stupid.  Sometimes I wonder if storylines are conceived purely so they can have a dramatic preview picture.  There's no real reason for the violence, it's just something that they can release to Digital Spy the week before to make the show look EXCITING. Presumably, once she'd finished on the Underworld van, Maria was going to take her crowbar to Kevin's diesel-belching tow truck.  And the Weatherfield Wayfarer.  And her husband's knackered old van.  No? 

Her job done, Maria then strode off down the middle of the road.  Because apparently Coronation Street is so clogged with polluting vehicles that it's killing Liam's lungs, but also, there's not a moving vehicle to be seen and you can walk in the highway.  Urgh, it was all so ridiculous and pointless.  What's wrong with a storyline about Liam getting asthma?  Why does it have to be violent and smashy and confrontational?  Ah yes, I remember now.  Because this show is stupid.

Home is where the heart is.  Following on from Daniel being gifted a £400,000 house - that's one of those numbers that's going to stick in my head forever - there were further property shenanigans as Ed announced that he and Aggie had bought another house.  Remember how they moved to Coronation Street originally because they were broke?  Because Ed had gambled away all their money, so they lost their nice big house and had to downsize to a two up two down?  Well, things have clearly taken a turn for the better, as they have enough cash lying around to buy a fixer upper without any worry.  We didn't even see them discuss it, or attend the auction, it was just Ed arriving with the specs of their second property.  Actually third, if you count the builder's yard.  Fourth if they also own the flat above it.  Why are they living in this poky little house again?  And whatever happened to their long-held dream to go travelling in a luxury camper van, a dream that was mentioned once and then disappeared?

Only a couple of episodes later this previously unmentioned house became incredibly important to the plot.  What are the chances of that, eh?  Freshly dumped by Michael, Grace remembered she was a horrible person and blackmailed Ed and Aggie, demanding the house or she'd take Glory away to far-off Hull where they'd never see her or their granddaughter ever again.

Hour and three quarters along the M62 by car, two hours on a direct train from Piccadilly, just saying.

You know what the Baileys need?  A solicitor.  Stop pussy-footing around Grace and letting her dictate terms.  Get to the Family Court, get a child arrangements order.  In fact, go the whole hog and apply for sole custody.  Michael has a good job, a nice home and a supportive family; Grace is a loon who served jail time for pretending somebody else's baby was hers.  Cut the manipulative witch out of your life completely.

Age ain't nothing but a number.  This is Hope Stape, born 9th December 2010.

And this is Jack Webster, born two months earlier on the 6th September 2010.  Yes, that strapping lad is about to turn eleven.  I assume this is a side effect of the sepsis; he lost a foot, but was injected with a massive quantity of testosterone as compensation.  Jack also seems more mature with his plans for vengeance; while Hope simply burns down the homes of her enemies, Jack takes to the internet to spread information.  He posted about Corey's upcoming trial on a Tommy Orpington forum; I really want to know who is frequenting that forum, and how many of the users are currently subject to restraining orders.

Jack got a visit from a very good looking policeman as a result as he was told that naming Corey might have been prejudicial to the trial.  That's nonsense, of course.  Corey and Kelly haven't been publicly named because they're young offenders - it's got nothing to do with the case itself.  If they were adults their names would have been in the press when they were arrested, and they would be a matter of record once the trial began.  If Jack posted Corey told me he definitely did it, also he was dripping with blood, they're all covering this up pass it on, then you might possibly argue that it was prejudicial, but all he did was say Corey was up in court and Tommy Orpington was going to defend him.  Still, it's all moot anyway, because Jack deleted the post and that was the end of it.

If it works once, do it again.  In the opening scene of Monday's episode, Imran was up incredibly early.  He explained to Toyah it was because he was so stressed about Kelly's trial.

In the opening scene of Wednesday's episode, Imran was up incredibly early.  He explained to Toyah it was because he was so stressed about Kelly's trial.

And in the opening scene of Friday's episode, Toyah was up incredibly early.  She explained to Imran it was because she was so stressed about Kelly's trial.  See how they mixed things up to keep it interesting?  In fairness, Toyah was also worried about her relationship with Imran because she suddenly values Abi's feelings more than Kelly's.  Remember, it was Toyah who desperately wanted to be a mother for years, and who presumably lead the whole fostering idea because she had such a strong maternal urge.  Now she's chucked all that out the window and abandoned Kelly because she's worried about annoying a woman who I'm not sure she's ever exchanged more than three words with.  It's certainly grounds for her to give Imran ultimatums about their partnership.

On the plus side, it's finally the trial next week, so with any luck this whole thing will be coming to an end soon.  Imran happily accepted a big wodge of twenties that had been shoved through his letterbox as part of the fee for a blood splatter scientist.  I'd have loved to have seen the expression on the scientist's face when Imran handed over all that cash on him for his services. I don't know, I might be concerned about brown envelopes full of cash being dropped on me, but I'm not a top lawyer-slash-barrister like Imran.  He does at least look good in the wig, facing down his ex-wife Sabeen who, it turns out, is representing Corey.  What are the chances of that oh I can't be bothered any more.

Kiss kiss kiss!  I'm still not entirely sure why Johnny and Jenny split up.  Yes, she did the dirty with Ronnie, but he did the dirty with Liz and they got past it.  There was all that interminable nonsense with Scott the Bank Robber, but they seemed to have got past that too.  And they still seem to love the bones of one another.  Can they not give it another try?  They're a great couple and Jenny seems to get a genuine glow when she's around him.  It'd also give him something to do, because since he moved out of the Rovers, Johnny has been very much surplus to requirements.  I'm not sure he's even talked to Carla since about May, and he doesn't have any kind of job.  He doesn't even live in the Street any more.  Never mind giving Ronnie your blessing to try it on with her, get back in the Rovers where you belong so all those sweet J&J pictures can be put back up.  And then kick Daisy out.  

Please tell the author why he should even bother any more on Twitter @merseytart.

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