Five Things We Learned In Corrie This Week

It's called fashion, look it up.  I feel sorry for the costume designers at Corrie.  With the limited cast, few opportunities for big set pieces, and Liz McDonald gone forever, they've not got much of a chance to dazzle us with wonderful outfits.  There's Debbie Webster and her enormous handbags and that's about it.  So you can see why they might have gone a bit mad, and started overstepping their boundaries.  Rather than reflect current society with the costumes, they're instead trying to create fashion, which is why Kevin and Peter spent much of Friday's episode sporting a new look which I can only describe as blanket chic.  

Obviously they've decided that, while we're in lockdown, we need to make ourselves comfy, and wrapping a blanket around ourselves 24/7 is the way to do it.  Admittedly it does look very snuggly but it's not exactly going to set the Milan catwalks alight.  Particularly as when Peter couples it with his scraggly beard and a two-day old newspaper he looks like he should be lurching out of a railway undercroft begging for small change.

Elsewhere, the costume folks have given Simon and Jacob matching anoraks emblazoned with the For Your Fries Only logo.  This is an extremely necessary expense for a backstreet chippy whose delivery service is two lads on bikes, and helps to explain why Dev was having a major financial crisis a few months back.

Duplicity is addictive.  For what seems like thirty six thousand episodes we've been watching Todd wheedle, connive and flat out corrupt Billy and Paul's relationship, driving a wedge between them so that he can swoop in and get his hands on Billy's vestments.  Finally, he's succeeded, and Paul is sleeping on Gemma's floor.  All he needs to do now is being a sort of nice bloke around Billy and that'll be it - he'll be whipping up that cassock for a quick Sunday service.  Why, then, is he swindling the church out of fifteen hundred quid for a load of old pews?  Why can he not wait until he's got his feet under the table at the florists' flat before he starts being an absolute scumbag?  It's as if Todd doesn't know how to be a pleasant human being any more and has to take the most unpleasant path at all times whether he likes it or not.  He's stuck in a sadistic rut and there's no way out.

Clogs is still the worst policeman in the world.  Abi finally twigged that Kevin and Debbie were in the fridge and the emergency services were soon there in the form of... oh no, Craig.  He immediately leapt into action and did absolutely nothing.  As Abi jemmied the door:

...screamed in horror at what she found...

...and went through a state of existential despair...

...Craig did... nothing.  He didn't rush forward to assist, he didn't console her, he didn't even go in the fridge to see if Debbie and Kev were ok.  He just hung around the back, presumably making goo-goo eyes at Faye.  He's really quite terrible, and I'm not sure why Weatherfield Police send him into literally every single crime scene given how useless he is.  Maybe all the other coppers are sat at the station drinking beer and smoking fags and letting him do all the work.  We also learned that Craig's nickname is "Clogs"; unsurprisingly, it's not short for "Cleverclogs".

As an aside, can I say how lovely it was to see two characters close up to one another, sharing a two-shot?  It's been so long since we saw it.  (Incidentally, the STV Player had a notice onscreen to tell me that the actors formed a bubble so they could film the scene, and can I say, if you are the kind of person who was going to complain to Ofcom about it, you really need to find a hobby).

Spot the plot.  The Baileys are back, and you know what that means?  That's right, an ISSUE!  To be fair this was more the aftermath of an issue, as we learned that Ed is totally ok with James being gay now.  Hurrah, homophobia is dead!  It helped that Paul was there to counsel him as, after two years of Paul and Ed never sharing so much as a scene together, they've now become great pals and workmates and are perfectly happy discussing intimate family details with one another.

Hmmm, I wonder where this is heading?

James may be leaving soon, because apparently his agent has told him he's up for a transfer to the mighty Croftley Town.  To maintain a constant number of Baileys in the show the producers therefore introduced Ed's brother Ronnie, who arrived in a Merc, wore a flat cap and a sharp suit, and flirted with every woman he saw; he couldn't be any more of a spiv if he'd tried to flog Mary some knock-off nylons.  He was soon getting drunk with Edison in the Rovers and asking Emma what rums they had - the camera cut away before she replied with "there's a dusty old bottle of Lamb's that's been here since Albert Tatlock's day and that's your lot; this isn't the Northern Quarter you know."  Meanwhile, at the side of the pub, Aggie looked incredibly shifty, didn't want to be left alone with Ronnie, and kept casting sideways glances at Michael.

Hmmm, I wonder where this is heading?

What goes around comes around.  After discovering Simon had been dropping feathers as fake messages from the beyond, Leanne whacked him round the face for betraying her.  Personally I'd have been more angry that he cut up a perfectly good pillow but anyway.  Simon was of course traumatised by this experience, but I found it hard to sympathise.  I can remember a few years ago when it was Simon smacking Leanne about the head.  Frankly he's had this coming for quite a while.  The upset of a smack from his mum and not getting a curry with his dad sent him over the edge, and soon he was giving nihilistic speeches to Brian about the pointlessness of existence and agreeing to be a drug courier.  Yes folks, Evil Simon is back; buckle up, it's going to be a bumpy ride.

If Tyrone would like to contact the author with pictures of him doing the Downward Dog in those shorts, his Twitter handle is @merseytart.  His DMs are open.

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