Five Things We Learned In Corrie This Week

Testify!  The trial of Yasmeen finally started this week and we got everything we could possibly ask for.  Surprise witnesses!  Badgering lawyers!  Sexy legal assistants!  But the best thing was a pair of barnstorming performances from Shelley King and Paula Wilcox, as the worms turned on Geoff and proved that they under the fragile surface they were still strong confident women.  It was hard to pick a favourite moment - perhaps Yasmeen telling the story of Geoff cooking her chicken, because let's be honest, there's no real way of getting out of that one, or maybe Elaine's sudden, controlled anger at the prosecutor.  Incidentally, kudos to @ChrisAnstey74 on Twitter for spotting that she's the same barrister who defended Nathan and his gang of perverts; where's your loyalty to the Sisterhood, eh?  

Sadly, having the jury in another room means they didn't get to see all the incredibly smug faces Geoff pulled every time one of the witnesses got dragged.  Couldn't somebody give them some little tables to lean on, by the way?  They're all resting their notes on their lap.  The court is apparently far more interested in dramatic camera angles, as rather than having a single shot of the jury, they kept sweeping in for close ups...

…or panning across the room...

The legal adviser probably wanted to study film at university but he had a pushy mum who insisted he get a career and now he's getting his artistic side out where he can.  Unfortunately, Tim couldn't testify about That Time Yasmeen Got Locked In A Magic Box because he thumped Geoff shortly before the trial began.  I had thought that social distancing would mean an end to that kind of thing but they found a way round it: first person perspective.

Maybe this is how they'll get round being unable to have characters kiss, too, and we'll just see characters lean in towards the camera with their lips puckered.  If the producers want to practice it by having the camera take the position of Toyah with Imran looming over her in bed I am very much ok with that.  Congratulations incidentally to Craig, who continued his streak of being an absolutely terrible policeman by witnessing an actual physical assault and doing literally nothing about it.

If it ain't broke...  Ray was back to his disgusting ways this week, and I was amused to see he pulled exactly the same schtick on Faye as he did on Michelle.  Hotel room, wine list, dressing gown, the lot.  He's one of those awful men who has a single chat up line and uses it over and over on every girl in the club until he finds one who's drunk enough to give in.  Sadly, Faye wasn't as strong-willed as Michelle - of course nobody is, as the Exalted Queen of the Universe is perfect - and she gave in to his pressure.  It was so sad to see her tucked up in bed, suddenly looking incredibly young and vulnerable, while Ray buttoned up his Levi's and burbled a load of rubbish about feminism.  She went back to the Street and dumped Craig.  I'm not too unhappy about that to be honest.  I liked them far more as friends than as lovers.  Faye's still got her job, for the time being, so she can continue to share her impeccable wine tasting skill of describing a bottle of red as having a tang of "wet dog".  Thanks for the recommendation - I'll take six!

Play to your strengths.  I never watched Benidorm; it really wasn't my kind of thing.  But from what I understand Tony Maudsley was an absolute star of the show.  So why haven't they let him be funny in Corrie?  All George has done since he started in the programme is stand in the back and look sad in a black suit.  Even in his dealings with Eileen and Mary he's been quiet and understated.  Can we give him some laugh out loud material?  A few gags?  Admittedly, falling over Oliver's coffin and his trousers falling down might have destroyed the mood but let's not repeat the mistake they made with Comedy Legend Les Dennis, who was in the show for three years and smiled about twice before keeling over.  The campaign to Make Tony Maudsley Funny starts here.

Get the most out of what you've got.  I think Sue Nicholls has been enjoying lockdown just a little bit too much.  Think about it: for the first time in nearly forty years she's had a few months off, pottering round her garden with Alan Bradley, having a nice relaxing snooze in front of Homes Under The Hammer.  Finally she got the call to return to the set, and she exasperatedly agreed to appear in one scene so long as it was all done by lunchtime so she could get home in time for Countdown.  That must be the explanation for why Audrey's triumphant return involved her letting herself in the back door, shouting "I'm selling the hairdresser's flat and Claudia and Maria are selling the salon and it's all agreed bye" and then walking straight out the front door with a cursory "tell Gail I dropped in" chucked over her shoulder.  I bet that's her own coat; she didn't even bother taking it off for filming.

So yes, thanks to Abi Franklin, Girl Detective, everyone knows that Ray plans on demolishing the brewery and the posh side of the Street to build his skyscraper.  They'd have all found out soon enough though because he was literally showing investors round the site.  He also unveiled a rubbish model, which delighted me; you can't be a truly evil property developer on telly until you whip out a rubbish architectural model.  I'm only disappointed he hasn't stuck it in the middle of the Street and pointed out where Maxine's Bench will be replaced by a Frankie & Benny's while cackling wildly.  Everyone was deeply shocked, with line of the week going to Sally, who broke it down for the three people in the audience who hadn't quite grasped what was going on:

Roy, inevitably, turned up to fight the plans.  Maybe he should check for bats like he did when Victoria Court was built; although when he tried that all the bats were killed and he was pushed in a canal by Tony Gordon, so he probably thought better of it.  Roy delivered an impassioned speech about soulless developers building tiny identikit shoeboxes, each one indistinguishable from its neighbour, which was well-intentioned I'm sure but slightly undercut by the row of terraced houses right behind him.  We all remember the old Corrie titles, with row upon row of identical back-to-backs stretching into the distance.

The "Rebel Alliance" has now clung to the idea that the suffragettes used to meet in the brewery as a way of getting it listed and foiling Ray's plans.  I'm not sure how I feel about the writers implying Emmeline Pankhurst spent her evenings getting lashed in between powerful speeches.  Is that historically accurate?  I'm sure we'll find out exactly what happens when this plot climaxes on, oooh, about Wednesday.

Sam's the Man.  Sam turned up to Oliver's memorial in the community gardens, because of course he did; he is wonderful and precocious and I want to adopt him immediately.  I know Leanne is wracked with grief but it's very hard to sympathise with her when she's being beastly to Sam; he's the most adorable moppet to hit the programme since Simon used to run around hugging his rabbit, and I can think of no higher compliment.  (Incidentally I will not be giving his sudden friendship with Shona the oxygen of publicity because I can see where it's heading and I do not approve).  Sam stood and watched the service from across the Street then, just to make him even more loveable, he did this:

My non-existent ovaries just about exploded at that point and I began Googling surrogacy services.  Fortunately Sam then read out a poem he'd written; nothing reminds you that it's not bad being childless quite like having to listen to kids reading out their poetry while you pull a politely interested face. Now Leanne and Nicky are splitting up he can move into Victoria Court with his dad and Natasha and everyone will be happy.  Well, I say they can move into Victoria Court; despite Leanne being the one to break up the relationship, and Nicky paying all the bills, she doesn't seem to be in any rush to move out, and I have a feeling she thinks it's him who should be leaving.  Good luck with that.

It's the sixtieth anniversary next week and there'll be a special Five Things to celebrate on Wednesday.  It'll probably be quite warm and fuzzy but don't worry I'm sure I'll find something rude to write next Saturday.  Suggestions are welcome via Twitter @merseytart.

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