Five Things We Learned In Corrie This Week

Can you hear the drums, Valandro's?  To celebrate Max's really, really boring speech - if David hadn't dozed off on the sofa he'd have certainly fallen asleep in the front row - Gail booked the whole family a slap-up dinner.  And where did she pick?  Valandro's, the restaurant everyone used to go to after The Clock fell out of favour and before the Bistro was built.  It was funny hearing it mentioned again in the show, like someone had bought a dress from Gamma Garments, but it was even funnier when David told Nicky that Leanne had to attend even though she had "issues" with Valandro's.  Those issues, of course, being that she used to own it until she promised a junior Duckworth sexual favours if he burned it down for the insurance money.  Nothing major then.

Of course this is all because the Bistro is still closed for refurbishment, though at least it's open for test events, with Sally and Tim nipping over to trial the new menu.  Sadly they didn't show us the new look onscreen, which left me incredibly frustrated.  I haven't been in a restaurant for over two months, Corrie!  It's your public duty to show people sitting down at a table and having a starter and drinking wine and tipping.  At this stage of lockdown that would be better than porn.

Follow the darkest path.  Nina once again proved that she is one of the best things to happen to the show for ages as she clocked a pervy schoolboy outside the cafe.  There were surprisingly few ramifications for this act of wanton violence against a child, but maybe his parents think he's an obnoxious little turd too and realised he deserved it.  She then gave Asha a masterclass in self-belief, confidence and disregard for the conventions of society; Asha seemed especially interested in the whole Goth thing.  This is no surprise for those of us who remember her make-up experiments last year, where she left the house looking like she was going to perform in kabuki theatre.  Asha would probably leap at the opportunity to pile on the slap.  It'd be nice for Nina to have a friend, because despite appearances, Goths are deeply social animals, never happier than clustering round a war memorial like a flock of ravens that somehow also know all the words to Bela Lugosi's Dead by Bauhaus.

Nina later put her creative talents to good use, sending Asha a delightful pen portrait, then sketching Roy in the cafe after hours:

While this was very sweet and everything part of me wonders if Roy would have actually preferred she helped him with degreasing the hot plate.

Acting is about reacting.  As Geoff spilled a load of old cobblers about his relationship with Yasmeen, Tim was naturally supportive, because (a) Geoff is his dad and (b) Tim is a little bit thick.  Sally, however, was less convinced.  How do we know this?  Because she pulled amazing "doubtful" faces at the back of every...

...single...

...scene.

She's about thirty seconds away from breaking the fourth wall, looking straight down the camera and saying "Don't worry viewers, I'm on your side!" and I love it.

Keep your family close.  Aw, Adam and Sarah-Lou are back from their honeymoon!  Finally.  I'm sure in the show it only lasted about two weeks but thanks to the spreading out of the episodes it's felt more like a gap year.  (They definitely didn't have Harry with them, by the way, so his continued absence becomes even more troubling.  Someone call Social Services!)  They returned to their new marital home which turns out to be... number eight.  Yep, even though she's now Mrs Barlow, Sarah-Lou can't bear to live more than six feet from Gail's toothbrush.  Where are they sleeping?  Is it still an airbed on the living room floor, as when she was with Gary?  That could get awkward, what with them being newlyweds; David will have to cough very loudly if he fancies getting a glass of water in the middle of the night.  Can they not move back into the shop flat now Daniel's feeling better, or, and here's a wild and crazy idea, can this solicitor and factory manager not, I don't know, get their own damn flat?  If Chesney and Gemma can afford to live at number 5 even though they've only got one minimum wage coming in and they have five children (and Bernie) to feed I'm sure Mr & Mrs Barlow can find a two bed in their price range somewhere.

Peter doesn't like musicals.  Now I like Peter Barlow.  He's funny and charming and has a roguish sexuality.  But on Monday's episode he admitted he doesn't like musicals, because they're "unrealistic".  That shows a distinct lack of imagination, Peter, and I'm very disappointed in you.  No, Peter, in real life people don't burst into song to express their deepest emotions, but in real life the universe isn't threatened by a giant purple muscleman and yet I bet you still watched Avengers Endgame (please note, I have not seen Avengers Endgame, so I don't know if this plot description is accurate).  Musicals are about joy and passion and if you can't understand that it shows a distinct lack of imagination.  I guess this means we'll never get a musical episode of Corrie, though given the disaster that was Street of Dreams (Julie Carp as the Angel of Death!  Richard Hillman singing Norman Bates With A Briefcase!  Paul O'Grady, for some reason!) this might be for the best.

There was sad news for the show as we learned Ali is now living in Liverpool.  As has been previously established, Liverpool is so distant and difficult to get to from Weatherfield it means we're unlikely to ever see him again.  On the plus side, that means he's now on my doorstep, so if you fancy a guided tour Ali, send me a message on Twitter @merseytart.

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