Good characters make the show better, great characters make everyone better. Chemistry. It's impossible to predict and it's impossible to force. You can have two characters played by Meryl Streep and Derek Jacobi but that doesn't mean they will gel onscreen. The exception is when anyone shares screentime with Royston Cropper, because he is a supernova of televisual magic. If you get caught in his orbit you immediately become 1000% more interesting. So it was proved this week as Nina continued her rise as a star of the show by going bat watching with Roy. I could've watched the two of them sitting in a bare warehouse chatting about DH Lawrence for hours. Admittedly I was already a fan of Nina - and that lacy apron she wore in the cafe just underlined it - but her back and forth with her uncle was charming and touching and funny. Who wouldn't rather spend a night in the company of these two rather than going to see "Love and Strife" with Simon and Amy and Asha? (Where is Aadi, by the way? Why is he never invited to these things? Is this related to him getting his own bedroom for the first time in his life a few months ago? If we cut off his internet will he finally emerge blinking into the sun?)
And with that, two dynasties were united. In the most significant joining of two empires since Philip II of Spain married England's Queen Mary, the Barlow and Platt families were entwined at a Charles Rennie Mackintosh-themed wedding. I assume commemorative plates and coins are to follow. It went surprisingly well; you'd expect such a union to result in something more significant - after all, Sarah-Lou's last wedding was interrupted by the news that David had tried to kill himself - but it all went pretty smoothly, with Sarah turning up dressed as a flapper, even though that's not entirely period accurate but never mind. In fact the biggest disaster turned out to be the window designs, which I'm sure looked classy as heck in the venue:
...but which just made me wonder why they'd written ASS behind the registrar. Still, everyone seemed to have a pretty good time, especially Audrey, who I think was hammered from about 7am. She was tearing into the champagne before Sarah had even taken her rollers out:
...and when Adam turned up for a word she immediately legged it to the pub. She said it was to give them some privacy - "it can be exhausting being a matriarch these days" - but it was more likely that her blood alcohol levels were dangerously low and she needed a gin top up.
The last we saw of her she had another glass in her hand while the band played The Safety Dance.
I firmly believe she knocked back that drink then crashed the floor to do an elaborate dance routine to rapturous applause and nothing you can say can convince me otherwise.
If you're going to demonstrate your love, do it right. Okay, there was a bit of drama at the wedding, as Daniel tried to distract from the happy couple by sobbing all over the cake. It's commonplace for the best man and the maid of honour to hook up at a wedding. Usually it's a quickly-regretted fumble on a fire escape, but Daniel of course never does anything by halves, and instead declared his undying love for Bethany and that he was absolutely overjoyed at the idea of spending the rest of his life with her in That London. Every time somebody tried to point out this was a bad idea he just doubled down and made things worse. I feel like if the proposal hadn't gone so disastrously he'd have tried to get Bethany pregnant in the middle of the street just to really show everyone just how committed he was to her.
The engagement didn't go anywhere, of course, because he called Bethany "Sinead" by mistake. It's the kind of faux pas you can't really come back from, and they agreed to part ways. I was mainly distracted by that moss-covered window sill. You want to get some Jeyes Fluid on that, it's a right state. Ken sorted his son out the way he always does when his children start getting annoyingly clingy; he packed him off up to Scotland, though this time he also sent Beth along because she needed some time out of the show to go ice-skating.
Bethany finally vanished down south in a van David had hired to live with some friends of Nick; this was all arranged in about forty minutes. I've no idea why she needed a van by the way. Her entire worldly possessions seemed to be two bags. That's the end of Lucy Fallon in the show, after a glittering career of Soap Awards and magazine covers, probably off to send her showreel to the producers of Our Girl now Michelle Keegan's quit. It's weird to think, given how well she slotted in, that Lucy was the second choice for the role and only drafted in at the last minute. Still, it's good she's leaving now, as Tina O'Brien's continued refusal to age like a normal human being meant it was starting to get difficult to remember which one was the mum and which was the daughter.
Never ask questions. After a few weeks of Jade being nice and contrite and wandering around the set with big puppy dog eyes looking alienated, the mask dropped and she turned into a nutter again. I was quite glad because the way the show was filming it I was starting to wonder if the producers had decided to keep her around and we were meant to feel sorry for her; this was, after all, a character who tried to get Hope put into care, and yet the only person who actively continued to point this out was Evelyn. Fortunately, in a final blaze of glory, Jade tried to snog Tyrone, called Fiz boring, then flounced out of Weatherfield after Hope told her she didn't love her. The only disappointing part was Hope switching her loyalties to her mum without much effort. I'd hoped for a climax where Fiz and Jade stood at opposite ends of the Street, calling to Hope in the middle and seeing which one she'd run to, like that bit with the dog and Drew Barrymore and Sarah Gilbert in Poison Ivy.
Jade's departure does, however, mean she leaves a load of unanswered questions behind her. Like, was she really John Stape's daughter? Her mum had lied to her about him sending her cards - isn't it possible she'd said her dad was this man who was in the papers to give him a bit of showbiz glamour? In fact, who was her mum? Nobody seemed at all interested in asking that, not even Fiz, who'd dated John as a teenager before they lost touch. Surely she'd be curious about who this woman in the middle was? Was she really a teaching assistant? Did she contrive a way to work in Birmingham so she'd meet Hope, or was she working there anyway and Hope happened to turn up? I am absolutely not advocating that the show brings her back to give me closure, but still, it's disappointing to watch six months of a storyline and be left feeling dissatisfied.
Say goodbye to the beach ball. As a huskier gentleman myself, I have a great deal of sympathy for Craig and his battle against the bulge. Of course, the difference is that he's doing something about it, while my Fitbit is there mostly to tell me the time, but that's not the point. The struggle is real. Craig's been hauled out of the plot cupboard so that he can go on a fitness journey. Do you think they run these storylines past the actors first? Check they don't mind being called a heffer onscreen? I'm just imagining poor Colson Smith getting all excited as he finally gets another script after weeks off, opens to his dialogue, and discovers that all Craig's colleagues are calling him a Ginger Beach Ball. Bit upsetting.
Imran has been coerced into joining Craig's Fit Club and while the show had Toyah giggling and telling us she never sees him work out it's not totally convincing. We have eyes, Corrie producers; we can see Charlie de Melo, and that is not a man who is a stranger to the gym. Perhaps, rather than going jogging with Imran, Craig should start slowly with something a bit less taxing. I'd join Sally and Gail's power walks myself. It's not only gentle exercise, you get all the gossip, and you know they finish off their exercise with cups of tea and biscuits or maybe a few glasses of white in the Rovers. The mystery of why I'm not eight stone three deepens.
In addition to sympathising with Craig's weight loss woes, I also really liked his wedding outfit. That jacket/shirt combo was really nice. If you know where I can get it please contact me on Twitter @merseytart.
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