Five Things We Learned In Corrie This Week

The Corrie contracts are very tight.  According to Corriepedia Bernie made her first appearance on the 24th July.  Exactly six months later, on the 24th January, she made her last appearance.  They got all the work they needed out of Jane Hazlegrove then sent her off before her agent started talking about contract renewals.  It wasn't Jane's fault they were packing her off so soon, of course; Bernie was an absolutely awful character right from the start, obnoxious and crude, and no amount of softening over Paul's abuse could overcome it.  Once you've stolen your pregnant daughter's urine there's not really any way you can recover.  Her Friendconnect Live pervert hunt lead to Gemma and the quads being placed in mortal peril when someone shoved a burning rag through their letterbox.  I know we were meant to be scared for the young family, but I was mostly excited that this might be the thing that gets Chesney to finally replace that front door.

(Was anyone else surprised that the vigilantes knew how to spell "paedo"?)

Bernie finally left after Billy took her to one side and asked her to stop banging on about Kel; this is the same Billy who spent weeks chasing after Paul and demanding that he dredge up all sorts of unpleasant memories about Kel even though Paul just wanted to get on with his life.  It's funny how Paul was first being encouraged to confront his past, and now he's being told to forget about it and move on, but I suppose the storyline is finished now so he can go back to being an adorable scally.

Beware the ALLEYWAY OF DOOM.  Fiz finally got some of her old spark back this week after months of being constantly on the cusp of breaking into tears.  Remember when she flashed her boobs on the balcony at Underworld as a protest?  I miss that Fiz, bolshie and brave, rather than this drip.  Her face is constantly collapsing in on itself like a deflating balloon as her daughter says or does something else appalling.  (Every conversation with Hope this week started with "you're not in any trouble..."; have they considered whether actually telling her she was in trouble for causing all this havoc may be a better disciplinary technique?).  Anyway, she finally snapped and cracked Jade over the skull with a chopping board.  Jade's body immediately vanished, like a kind of kitchen sink Les Diaboliques, but she soon turned up unconscious in the ALLEYWAY OF DOOM opposite the snooker hall, because there is no better spot to slip into a coma in all of Weatherfield.

Fortunately for Jade, she was found by Yasmeen, who phoned an ambulance.  Good for her, not so good for Yasmeen, who was presumably then late getting back to number six and had to put up with Geoff in a sulk for the rest of the evening because his tea wasn't on the table at exactly five thirty.

Weatherfield Hospital does not care about their patients' requests.  Remember last week, when Shona said she didn't know who David was and demanded he was kept away from her?  Apparently none of her caregivers did because they let him load her into a wheelchair and drive her away.  She must've been absolutely terrified - this weird bloke insisting they're in love and they need to go somewhere else so she'd learn about her feelings for him.  She probably thought she was going to end up chained to the wall of a basement.  Shona's in Leeds now, which means David had to dump Max on his nan for some reason I didn't fully understand.  Presumably this is because of the sheer terrifying strain of having to travel from Manchester to Leeds on a regular basis, a journey that takes - let me just check - about an hour via direct trains or the M62.  How horrific.

Bethany needs help.  Furious that she lost out on the Bistro manager job to someone older and cleverer with extensive experience of running a restaurant - wow, that Ray is so unfair, isn't he - Bethany went running round to Daniel's so that she could snog his face off have a cup of tea and a vent.  Daniel asked her to list all the things she wanted to change about her life - she only got to number three before he was suggesting she pack it all in and leave town because there really wasn't anything for her in Weatherfield.  Take the damn hint, Bethany.

Tim wants a hug off Jürgen Klopp.  The Liverpool manager's charm and charisma has no boundaries; even people in Manchester want to get up close and personal with him now.  That's like a cat admitting they'd secretly like to snuggle with an Alsatian.  Tim actually just wanted an excuse to tell Kev he loved him and he wanted to hug him.  He claimed it was a subterfuge so he could wheedle five grand out of Webster but I think we all know the real reason; there is no love on the Street more pure than that between Tim and Kevin and frankly I'm just waiting for them to kiss.  Never mind Tracy Barlow's bisexual forays, that's the sexuality breaking storyline the nation needs.

Charlie got a job at the Rovers this week even though last week Kirk was told there were no vacancies.  Is this flawed storytelling or did Jenny just not want Chesney gurning behind the bar?  Let me know what you think on Twitter @merseytart. 

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