Five Things We Learned In Corrie This Week

If you've got a style that works, stick to it.  I think we all knew that as soon as Gail introduced her porcelain lady as a talking stick it was going to end up in pieces.  It's like Chekhov's Gun, but with surprisingly expensive ceramics.  I don't think any of us predicted that it would end up being lobbed across the room and braining Audrey on the back of the head.  Partly because that seems really unlikely, and partly because the odds on anything getting through Audrey's hairstyle to the skull beneath are incredibly slim.  For thirty years now she's had a voluminous hair helmet, maintained with enough Elnet to melt an ice cap; the last time it moved in a stiff breeze John Major was PM.  Under normal circumstances the porcelain figure would've simply bounced off without bothering Audrey.  So what changed?

It seems that when she got up off the sofa, Audrey gave herself an entirely new style that looked nothing like the old one, right down to being a different colour.  No wonder she got that lifetime achievement award from Weatherfield's hairdressers - that's an incredible transformation.

Without her hairspray'd protective shield her bonce was vulnerable to attack.  It also explains why she immediately reverted back to her old style.  Better to be safe than sorry.

Safety last.  After her "burglary", Yasmeen was understandably worried about security, so Geoff put in a new lock on the front door.  You know what would be even more effective?  Replace that terrible wooden door and its enormous panels of glass with something double glazed.  No wonder Yasmeen's home insurance premiums were so high.  I'm not saying that Geoff's reign of terror could have an upside, but if he installed a heavy PVC door with a seven point locking system as a way of keeping her inside, it would at least add a bit of value to the house.  It'd certainly be a better gift than that terrifying picture of Kal.

I like to imagine Jimi Mistry sat on the sofa at home with Flavia from Strictly, having a nice cup of tea and a biscuit in front of the telly, when that monstrosity came on and he ended up spitting digestives all over his flatscreen.  Then he phoned his agent and asked them to send a much more flattering headshot for the wall of number 6.

Underworld has gone co-op.  The knicker factory long ago ceased being a business that made any financial sense whatsoever.  Remember the good old days when Mike Baldwin was the sole owner of the denim business, the dictator at the top of the tree, an Old Spice Franco?  Now the firm is divvied up into so many mismatched pieces it's like a charity shop jigsaw.  Carla's boyfriends have a tendency to buy into the business in random portions that she then buys out again when they turn out to be rapists or murderers, while there's always some kind of weird investor loitering on the sidelines with unspecified amounts of cash for a percentage.  Right now, as far as I can see, Nicky Tilsley has half of Underworld, and Carla has just handed over the other half to the employees.  She seemed to do this incredibly fast - by Friday Beth was already taking the mickey - but I really want to see how it was divvied up.  Was it a simple division, with everyone getting one share each?  Or were there extras for some people?  Paul's only been there five minutes, does he get the same value of shares as Sean, who's been there since Bradley Walsh was in charge?  Sally's a supervisor, surely she deserves more?  As a director, shouldn't Sarah-Lou get some kind of controlling share?  Is Fiz getting a piece, even though she's off in the Midlands?  And what about those anonymous extras - is Dirk now as much a part of the business as, say, Beth?  That could get awkward at shareholder meetings when they ask for people to comment on the motion and Dirk can't say anything because he's not paid to talk.  It sounds like a recipe for disaster.  Normally I'd say this will mean Underworld will be bankrupt by Christmas, though let's be honest, it's always on the verge of collapse; maybe that woman in the orange t-shirt up there has some great new business ideas that will stop them from being one missed order away from unemployment.  Again.

Dating is hard.  The singletons of the Street had difficult dating experiences this week.  Sean had his Grindr hookup ruined by a comedy text from Paul; he said he was looking for "perfection" in a romantic partner, though why Sean thinks the perfect man will settle for him is a mystery.  You're sleeping on your ex's sofa, you've got a son you never see, and you work in a pub; you're no catch, love.  Meanwhile, Maria's search for "David Gandy meets Gandhi" lead to her discovering that "Netflix and chill" does not mean sinking into the sofa in front of The Crown.

She ended up getting a photo that caused both her and Bethany to recoil in disgust and horror.  The director didn't show us the picture, but I can exclusively reveal what shocked the two girls:

It's a LIGHTHOUSE, Maria, and if you think anything different you've just got a dirty mind.

Prevention is better than cure.  The visits to Wethy General have become a bit more infrequent these days, with just the one ambulance trip this week, but finally we got a clue as to why it's the busiest hospital on the planet.  Simply put, the residents of Weatherfield are thick.  How else do you explain a sign on the wall of the waiting room advising patients to DRINK WATER?  Had they suffered a spate of patients gasping like a goldfish dropped on the carpet, unable to work out why their mouth was so dry?  What else are the doctors having to advise them to do?  EAT FOOD?  BREATHE IN AND OUT?  We didn't find out what the other people in A&E alongside Audrey and Gail were there for, but it wouldn't have surprised me if the camera had panned past someone with bloodshot red eyes streaming tears because they didn't know how to blink.

There was a scene in the Rovers this week involving Moira, Evelyn and Jenny Bradley sharing sarcastic barbs.  Clearly someone at Corrie has been reading my wish list.  Contact me via Twitter @merseytart if you want any more suggestions, guys.

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