Five Things We Learned In Corrie This Week

Billy's still not Father of the Year.  Summer - who seems to have acquired a bit of sass lately, thank goodness; her virtuous perfection was getting annoying - insisted that her adopted dad should get his end away with Fit Paul.  Billy, however, was still unsure about bringing such a volatile person into his happy family unit - "he does have an angry streak," he reasoned.  Yes Billy, and this time last year you were a smack addict.  People who inject skag into their veins in the middle of a church don't really have much room to preach about their fatherly virtues.  He finally hooked up with Paul and they had a bit of a moment in the pub.  Apparently it was just a snog, which goes to show that gays these days are really boring.  I wouldn't delete Grindr based on a single bit of tongue action. 

Meanwhile Rita thought Paul was dragging Joseph around as a way of getting Billy's attention.  "Some blokes like it when you bring a child along," she reasoned.  I'm forced to wonder about the state of the hard drives of some of Rita's dates.

Weatherfield is turning into Dodge City.  Leaving aside the many criminal enterprises swilling around the Street at the moment, there was a disturbing quantity of scams and pranks in this week's shows.  Gemma pulled the hilarious jape of convincing Chesney that his child had been bloodily wounded and abducted - and after midday on April Fool's Day, so fool on her - before joining up with Brian and Chesney to swindle a grand out of a radio company.  That put Mary's nose out of joint, and nothing should ever make Mary sad.  Brian himself was the subject of a scam as Geoff passed Freshco broad beans off as his own.  It seemed like everyone was trying to pull a fast one on someone else, and it felt a bit nasty, especially when Geoff said Brian "deserved to be brought down a peg or two".  What did he ever do to you Geoff?  He can be a bit of a buffoon, admittedly, but he's not unpleasant, and he does a mean Sand Dance.  Cathy said using Gemma as a proxy wasn't properly cheating, but was only "like googling in a pub quiz."  I think you'll find that is cheating as well, Cathy, and if I saw you doing that at the next table from me I would have a stern word with the quizmaster because I take that sort of violation very, very seriously.  Perhaps too seriously.  Still, full marks to the local radio station for risking the wrath of Ofcom by asking a question based around Philip Larkin's most famous poem.  They followed it with Smack My Bitch Up and an interview with a drunk Jim Davidson.

Cheddar is more mature than some people.  Speaking of Gemma, has she got caught up in some hilarious bodyswap comedy and had her mind replaced with the brain of an eight year old?  All she's done this week is be gross (licking the plate, counting dog poos), dodgy (the radio scam), inconsiderate (the general state of the house) or just plain stupid (buying a mobile disco kit instead of a washing machine).  Part of her arc since she came into the show full time has been a gradual maturing under the wing of Jenny and Rita, but suddenly she's back to that scraggy girl who hung around Kylie.  Is it Paul's fault?  Should we split them up again?  Gemma is a great character normally but this week she was just irritating.  No wonder Chesney spent most of his appearances furrowing his brow in that way he always does when he's required to do some thinking.  The only good moment was Rita appearing out of the smoke at the impromptu rave in the front room; since she was offscreen most of the time I'm choosing to believe she was doing the full big fish little fish cardboard box while blowing a whistle and wearing a neon necklace.

Nick's not a big finger sniffer.  He was actually refusing to get near the beard oil David had been applying out of a pickled onion jar, but it still raises eyebrows.

It should be noted that Gary has no such compunctions.  Best not to dwell.

Over 60's yoga is cancelled for the foreseeable.  Poor Yasmeen's going to be on the phone all week.  "Yes, I'm sorry Mrs Atkins, I know you had a tots and toddlers session booked for Tuesday morning, but we've turned the Community Centre into an improvised sweatshop so you'll just have to take your kids somewhere else.  Maybe the gardens?  Oh, Kate's occupied it completely so she can have another memorial there - that's her fourth this week, isn't it?  Yes, I know, it is a bit excessive.  Oh dear.  Sorry about that."

If you know where you can get one of Tim's Heart Attack Special Butties, please contact the author via Twitter @merseytart.

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