Gail is NOT a spy. I mean, sure, she's been skulking around for forty years jumping from job to job. She knows everything that's going on in Weatherfield. She's had multiple husbands, four of whom died in suspicious circumstances; the surviving one, meanwhile, fled to the other side of the planet. She's changed her name several times. All her children have had radical changes in appearance, almost as if they've been replaced by new better trained agents. She seems to be daffy, but underneath she's wily as a fox. She spent most of run up to Christmas skulking around hotels and peering through binoculars while she followed Lewis. She's got the same hair as Daliah Lavi in Casino Royale.
But she is definitely not a spy, and you can't prove otherwise.
They're here, they're queer, get used to it. Thirty-odd years ago, EastEnders scandalised the nation when Colin placed a kiss on the top of his boyfriend Barry's head. "EASTBENDERS!" shouted the Sun, in its characteristically classy and sensitive style. Everyone panicked and decided to not have homosexual men in soaps for a while, instead replacing them with pretty lesbians who the tabloids can ogle. Now and then a homosexual man would slip through, but he'd be pretty chaste and innocent. When Corrie did its first gay kiss, it was Todd planting a tender smacker on a sleeping Nicky Tilsley. It was, in its own way, remarkably sexless, and the show continued in that vein for a while.
That's all changed in Corrie-world, and we have one man to thank: Daniel Brocklebank. Billy is a fearsome kisser. He started out slowly with Sean (King of the Sexless Gays) but when he got round to snogging Todd it was so incendiary people complained to Ofcom about its raunchiness. Billy's been on his own for a year now, what with Todd running off to live off acorns in the Delamere Forest, so it's no surprise that when he got a sniff of attraction from "Fit Paul" (his words, but who am I to argue?) he was all over it.
Their kiss was absolute filth. Two more minutes of that and Paul's trackie bottoms would've been around his ankles. It was a shame Paul then hooked up with some random because Billy was cautious about whoring it up in his own diocese - strictly speaking, gay vicars aren't meant to have sex at all - but it did mean that we got to hear the words "Grindr" and "bit of trade" on the cobbles. Tony Warren would be thrilled.
There's a Manchester remake of The Liver Birds on the way. Sarah-Lou and Gary were out on their ears after he failed to produce the rent for three months. Let's be honest, it was always a bit of a stretch that they could afford to live in Victoria Court in the first place. They found themselves back at number eight because Audrey, bless her, continues to refuse to share her three bedroom house with any of her awful family. They've given up asking; it's just a blanket no. She's turned the box room into a mini-distillery for her home made gin and she's not moving it. Still, there's a little bit more room because Bethany has moved in with Emma in the hairdresser flat. This is a pairing I can get behind. Hopefully Emma will bin off boring old Chesney and then team up with Bethany to be wild and crazy girls about town. Wouldn't you love to see the two of them falling out of an Uber at three in the morning, inappropriately drunk and waking up the neighbours with their cackling laughter? A couple of fun young women just having a laugh and enjoying themselves, rather than enduring endless angst. They could be the new Gail Potter and Suzie Birchall! Of course, that would make landlady Maria (who according to Bethany is "getting on a bit") the new Elsie Tanner. She can dream. She may have as many notches on the bedpost as Elsie but she's nowhere near as magnificent.
You can't beat a slow-motion action sequence. Tim and Sophie, the absolute worst detectives on the planet, continued their pursuit of Duncan. It's come to something when Gina is the undercover genius on your team. Thanks to her efforts, they deduced that Duncan's wife was still alive and living in Costa Rica. I really, really hope they're right about that, because if they're not, they unnecessarily traumatised poor grieving Olivia. When their plot to get her to confess her mum was still alive failed - mainly because she genuinely thinks her mother is dead - Tim went round to Duncan's to use his default option: smacking him about the head until he admitted everything. Weirdly, the front door Tim went to didn't look like the front door Gina went to.
There then followed an extremely low-speed action sequence as two middle aged men ran through the cul-de-sacs of Greater Manchester for a while until everyone got too knackered and had to stop for a breather. I don't think Tim will be replacing Tom Cruise in the Mission:Impossible films any time soon. It was all for nothing, anyway, as the minute Tim caught up with Duncan he stepped off the pavement and got Regina George'd by a passing van.
Is he dead? Let's hope not. I hope Duncan makes a triumphant return to the Rovers while wearing an elaborate back brace and Tim gives him a piece of his crown as a consolation prize.
You can't damage an Area of Outstanding Natural Beauty. I don't know why Sinead was so worried that Daniel was going to shave all his hair off. There is no way anyone would willingly damage that impeccable coiffure. The Barlow men all have magnificent hair; Ken is a hundred and twelve yet still has thick lustrous locks that even Rula Lenska must envy, Peter's recently got a sexy swishy cut that knocked ten years off him, and Adam's got a suave but professional cut that makes the ladies swoon. (Just forget that period in the noughties when he had a kind of hair helmet on top of his head). Daniel's impeccable side parting could never be harmed - the nation would not allow it. David would've broken down in tears and refused to destroy such a sumptuous bouffant. (Incidentally, can we have a moment to appreciate David Platt's role as sarcastic cynic in the background of every scene? Jack P Shepherd's been killing it comedy wise for the past few weeks). Sinead could've ended up looking like Sigourney Weaver in Alien 3 and Daniel would've sympathised, of course, but he'd never go the full number 1. He has his limits.
If he's honest, the revelation that Abi has a crush on Nicolas Cage has lowered her in @merseytart's estimation.
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Great writing......especially the bit on Billy's kissing.....laughing like a drain here :-D
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